Crossing Over

Along the road of infertility, I joined some online support groups. I didn't have really any friends who were stuck on infertility island with me, so I sought out support on the internet. If you are thinking to yourself "wow, I should do that, where do I start?" There are forums on sites like thebump.com, babycenter.com, and whattoexpect.com where women band together and go through the months of trying to conceive leaning on each other for support. Its a great venue to vent frustrations, ask questions, and make some great connects.

I met a girl on my site that had been TTC for almost as long as I had and had never been pregnant. She and I were the last women standing in two different groups we were a part of. So, she made us our own group, and we are now both pregnant, due two days apart. It's been really amazing having her along the way. Her journey is different than mine, she did IVF to get pregnant with her miracle. She writes for an online magazine and recently posted this article. I couldn't have said anything she wrote better, and it's a topic I've been wanting to write about. Please read (and enjoy):

An Infertile Woman Stuck in a Pregnant Woman's Body

"No one feels completely happy after fighting a war, even if you’ve won because in war, something is always lost. I fought a war to get here and I feel exhausted, although exhilarated, and every day extremely grateful to be on the other side."

The end of this quote makes me tear up every time. I. Am. On. The. Other. Side. Almost 15 weeks along and I'm still in awe of the fact that I made it here. After everything I went through, all the tears, and the hopelessness, all the anger, jealousy, after the surrender to God on my knees over and over again. I prevailed. This war is over. But, I am not unscarred. I am a different person because my path to motherhood was more like a whirlwind road trip with detours at every turn. I know what its like to hurt, to feel hopeless and angry. I know what its like to dream over and over again for something and wake up everyday knowing that it may not ever happen. I know. 

But I have made it to pregnancy a humble, thankful woman who can identify with those who have pain in the midst of my happiness. And I know that their journey, their story will find its happy ending in time. We just have to keep on believing. 

14 weeks

First off, am I the only one that thinks peaches are bigger than lemons? Maybe its because I buy these huge peaches from Costco, or is my baby shrinking? Hmmm

So I started having this dream....I'm in bed at night and my husband is asleep next to me, and my lower abdomen has a zipper. So I take our baby out, hold it, and play with it and there is literally blood EVERYWHERE, and then as the sun comes up, I put the baby away and zip my belly up. So weird. And I've had it like three times.

Yesterday a good friend of mine went with me to the maternity store. This can be a daunting place. The one we went to was "Destination Maternity" which has both "Pea in a Pod" and "Motherhood Maternity" products inside it which gives lots more choices. She has never been pregnant, but bless her heart she looked through the racks of things and helped me pick out some cute stuff. Then it was time to head to the dressing room. The sales chick gave me to the low down: there is a belly pillow in the dressing room and if you put it on it adds three months to where you are at now. That way you can plan ahead. I myself am a planner and I appreciated this. Until I put it on. Holy eff. If I am going to be that big in three months I am going to be a whale when I deliver. I mean, you know how they say if Barbie were life sized she would have to walk on all fours because of her big boobs? Well that will be me, but there will be a belly too. A big one. I walked out with a pair of capris and three tops. It was great. I already have a stash of maternity wear from friends who swore up and down my day would come....and they were right, so I am off to a great start on the bump wardrobe. When I got home, I washed my items, and went through my closet and dresser knowing it was time to put away things I can no longer wear. My bump "popped" about a week ago and now I definitely look pregnant, not just oddly fat. I like it though. I find myself rubbing my belly without even realizing it.

I feel pretty good tummy wise these days. Still some bouts of nausea in the afternoon and evening, but no throwing up.

My recent obsession is the gender of this baby. Truthfully, I really do not care if baby is a boy or girl. I just want to know which it is. I have several friends who are pregnant right now and all of them are ahead of me. So, I asked them all to do the home baking soda gender test. It works like this: by about 11 weeks of pregnancy your body starts producing the baby's sex hormones. So, if you have a boy testosterone will start secreting into your blood stream, or for a girl estrogen to add to your plentiful supply. So, you take baking soda and put a couple table spoons into a disposable cup or dish. Then pee in a cup. Take the pee, and pour it over the baking soda. If the baking soda bubbles of fizzes (like beer kinda) its a boy, if it stays flat, then girl. Four people I know have done this and their baking soda test result has been accurate. Tonight I did it, and it fizzed which would mean boy. We will officially find out the second week of September and I cannot wait.

My oldest daughter and my husband are convinced we are having a boy. We had an ultrasound at 12 weeks and the baby was laying in a hammock called my uterus with its legs cross and hands behind its head. This is literally how my husband lays on the couch every night. He said no girl would lay like that. My daughter tells people I have her baby brother in my belly. That's it. This lady from her school came up to me and congratulated me on the boy, after I looked really confused she explained that "A" had told her a brother was on the way. Maybe the kids psychic, I don't know. My other daughter, "J" says girl. She really wants a little sister. Regardless of how this turns out someone will be disappointed I suppose.

Bye Bye 1st Trimester

13 weeks along today. According to about 1/2 my sources it means I can say good bye to the first trimester (and one of these sources is the mayo clinic guide so it's legit). All of the baby's organs are developed and are beginning to work together. If I am having a girl she already has made a couple thousand eggs for her own baby's one day. If a boy, testes are moving down into their location. The baby has fingerprints, moves around like crazy (though I cannot feel it yet), and is looking more and more human every day.

So here we are. I no longer throw up daily, I just have periods of nausea that are often relieved by either a nap or food and drink. I only get up to pee once a night (apparently in week 12 your uterus moves upward relieving some pressure on your bladder - for now!).

I'm in a place where I really, really love food. Like a lot. And of course my "cravings" are not things that I should have. I crave turkey and avocado sandwiches and lunch meat is supposed to be avoided, but oh well, I buy good lunch meat from the deli that is probably safe. I should get points for the avocado, it's on the top 10 power foods for pregnant women. I have been wanting sushi so dang bad that I caved and had a California roll and tempura shrimp roll for lunch today. It was so good. These items are fine, but you're supposed to use caution when buying at a restaurant cause they "could" come in contact with raw items. Screw it, my mom smoked when she was pregnant with me and I'm fine. I took the risk and satisfied the craving. I had miso soup too, and should get points for this because tofu is high in protein and now that I'm in the 2nd trimester I am supposed to eat 70 grams a day. Lastly, and this is my biggest love: FRO YO. Mmmm fro yo, I love it. I had been going to the yogurt shop a few nights a week and getting either chocolate or vanilla with peanut butter cups but then I went to the store and found something:

If loving this bit of heaven is wrong I don't wanna be right. I only have a little bit every night....almost every night. I try to hold back some nights but the fro yo talks to me from the fridge. And who am I to neglect what my baby obviously wants. That would make me a bad mommy. Right?

My baby "bump" is coming along. I still just look like I have a belly to most, but the lady at the maternity store said I have a good bump for where I'm at in my pregnancy. She could see it, I mean, obviously since I was shopping at the store trying stuff on she could deduce that I was pregnant but you get what I am saying. LOL. It's definitely there, and rounding more by the day. I can no longer button my pants, so have started wearing the belly band, and am starting to move into some maternity capris and shorts also. Because, this just in: it's not just your belly that grows, your butt widens...mmm hmm, I'm not gonna lie to you, and this momma had "back" before she was pregnant, so I have tissue to spread. So the thigh/butt region of my pre pregnancy pants is also becoming an issue. Oh well. I am really trying not to focus on my body changing as a negative thing. I am actually looking forward to thanksgiving and Christmas, because my pregnant ass is going to EAT SOME FOOD without worrying about a pound or two. Apparently in the second trimester I'm likely to gain.....I have to take a deep breathe before I write this.......a pound a week. Oh well, it's worth it. I'll worry about loosing it when baby comes out. For now, I will continue to eat what I want (in moderation), do my exercise, and not worry about it unless the doc tells me different. So, bring on the FRO YO!

The Pee Club

Back when I was trying very hard to get pregnant, I visited my OB/GYN's office regularly so he could monitor my medicated cycles (I was using Clomid). When I was there, many pregnant women were coming in for their appointments and when they arrived they were always told to go ahead and go leave their sample now. Pregnant women pee in a cup with every Dr. visit. During pregnancy they dipstick the urine to check for glucose, protein, and bacteria, as UTI's, gestational diabetes (which causes glucose to spill into urine), and high blood pressure (which can cause protein in the urine) are all common in pregnancy and need to be treated.

Yesterday I joined the "Pee Club." It was a good moment for me, though I'm sure it sounds ridiculous.

So now I'm going to write about the 1st three months of pregnancy. Yep, I'm 12 weeks now (baby is the size of a plum) and I am going to write to you how it went for me. I am not going to sugar coat it. But I want you to know that despite EVERYTHING I'm about to write about here (and it will seem like I'm whining at times I'm sure) I would NOT TRADE THIS FOR ANYTHING. There is a healthy baby growing inside of me right now. If a daily barf session is what gets this kid into my arms then so be it.

First off. Everyone has asked me how I knew I was pregnant. I didn't really "know." I had gone to a pool party on a 113 degree day and when I got home I passed out for two hours, and woke up with what I likely thought was heat stroke. But then, I was due for my period and it hadn't started yet, which was no biggie since I'm kind of an irregular gal. The only weird thing was that my boobs didn't hurt and they always hurt before aunt Flow arrived. Anyway, I decided to take a test. I mean, who knows when I ovulated (nope, I wasn't paying a bit of attention) and...lets be honest....had we even had sex? So, I peed on a stick for a kazillionth time and....there was a faint second line. Now let me tell you that I have torn tests apart to FIND a second line, and taken pictures of tests to play with the saturation and brightness on the computer and see if a second line was hiding but this time, there just was one. It was very faint. But it was there. My husband was down in the garage and every plan or idea that I'd ever had to tell him I was pregnant ran out the window I HAD to know, did he see it too? So I ran downstairs, shoved the pee stick in his face and said, "do you fucking see that?" Classy, I know. He saw it. 48 hours later I tested again, and the line was clearly there. Holy shit we're pregnant. I'm pregnant. I actually got pregnant.

So here they are, the pregnancy symptoms for months 1-3....

1. Huge boobs. Yep, the knockers knock. They knock against each other, they even rest on my starting to pop belly. They got sore for a couple weeks around week 6, but it was nothing to write home about. I'm so used to soreness before my period it didn't seems worse than that, but they are HUGE.

2. I have the worst taste in my mouth. All. The. Time. It's like metal, but sometimes it's like green beans. It's just not good. And it NEVER goes away unless I'm eating something or sucking on something (stop it you sick minded readers). I will discuss this more in the nausea section because I attribute a good portion of the nausea to my bad tasting mouth. You may think....well why don't you just brush your teeth? Great idea, except brushing my teeth makes me dry heave every time. And I mean, every time. And cleaning vomit out of the sink when your nauseous is no bueno.

3. Ok lets go there: nausea. Here is how it went for me: 6 weeks- on and off queasiness. If I didn't wanna eat something I really didn't wanna eat it. I would get flushed, nauseous, and then it would go away. Those were the good ol' days. 8 weeks- nausea. It was there but I could manage it by keeping something in my stomach, munching on crackers, chewing mint gum, and hydrating. 10 weeks- holy effing nausea, and this is when I started throwing up almost every day. By this point I HATED saltines, ginger ale, and preggie pops. These things used to be my BFF's but we broke up at week 10. Now it was graham crackers, gatorade or any type of berry flavored water (plain water was no good), and mint gum. 12 weeks- for the past couple days I have been sicker than EVER. I have gone and thrown up once while writing this. Mint gum is no longer a friend, I've switched to cinnamon. I can do graham crackers but have switched to honey nut cheerios. My saving grace is eating carbs: bagels, waffles with just butter, I keep cereal in my car, in my locker at work, I love cereal. The nausea is the toughest part. I  have missed a few days of work, which I hate both because I don't like to be "that girl that calls in sick" and I want to save my time off for when the baby comes. And, I am the super cool person who got a prescription for Zofran (the save all anti nausea medicine) and it doesn't work, not even a little bit.

3 1/2. But then there is the other side of nausea: hunger. I literally can go from dry heaving to starving in seconds. It's really weird. And if my tummy starts to growl, I need to eat, like 5 minutes ago, or the nausea will set in. I have a love affair with food because when I actually want something, I will do anything I can to get it. Sometimes I get so excited about my morning bagel that I dream about it. Ridiculous I know.

4. I look oddly fat. Like I drink a lot of beer and eat a lot of cheeseburgers. This is thanks to my growing uterus, constipation, and probably because I eat carbs like an addict.

5. Constipation. Holy frick. Jenny McCarthy describes it as "passing stonehenge" and I am going to leave it at that. But if you are pregnant, or plan on being pregnant, I would highly recommend her book "Belly Laughs." It's hilarious and true.

6. The Pee Club. Not just the club at the Dr's office, I pee constantly. I get up at least 3-4 times a night to pee. And I can not really have to go, then change my position and need to go right now. It's great.

7. Psycho emotional chick. Yes, she comes out to play. Let me just give you an example: There was about a 10 day period where I really liked McDonald's hamburger and fries. I ate one every few days, not gonna lie. My husband I had gone out of town for a wedding, and I was reaching a point of hunger that was going to lead to nausea very soon, so I asked him to please find me a McDonalds and get me some food. He decided to order a quarter pounder meal for himself, and a two hamburger meal for me, and he would eat the other hamburger. Well my husband doesn't like onions. So he decides to make it less confusing for the McDonald's people and he orders no onions ON EVERYTHING. Ok, here's the deal. There aren't many things that I really enjoy eating at this point in my pregnancy, so if you change something on my order without clearing it with me, there will be blood. I screamed at him about it IN the drive through, and then when I bit into my onionless hamburger I cried. Yep....I'm not too proud to tell you all the truth. I cried. I wanted my sandwich my way and he messed it up. This is what I am talking about when I say "Psycho emotional chick." My poor husband.

That's pretty much all there is. Oh, I did leave out, I had a lot of cramping and pulling those first few weeks. It was scary. I felt like my period was starting constantly. I would run into the bathroom to check and there'd be nothing. I called my Dr's office twice to ask about it and the reassured me both times but the cramping was really scary for me.

I am almost out of the first trimester. I hope when it leaves the nausea will too. Time will tell, and every day I thank God over and over again for this little one. I am blessed.

Oooh Hiiiii

Wow. It's been 5 months since I've last written and a lot has happened.

1st off: the girls are doing amazing. Both of them have graduated from speech therapy, and they are growing like weeds. One is short and curvy, the other tiny, long, and skinny. This should be fun as they get older. LOL. A starts kindergarten in two weeks, and J will stay at preschool.

We bought a bigger house in May. It is twice the size of our old house, has 3 bathrooms (praise God), and huge backyard. The kids have a sandbox, trampoline, play house, and tons of running space. It's a family home for sure.

Just after our 10 year wedding anniversary in June a miracle happened: we found out that we are pregnant. Yep. If you've followed this blog since it began your jaw is on the ground right now. Mine was too. Some of my closest friends cried when I told them. I did too. Because, after 4 years of trying to become parents that involved one ectopic pregnancy, two years of infertility despite treatment, one failed newborn adoption, one successful fos-adoption of two amazing little girls, and 18 months of figuring out how to be a parent, HERE. WE. ARE. I waiting a long time to write this, shoot, I actually made it 10 weeks without even telling all of my closest friends (some were mad to say the least). But, I did what felt right. As of today, I am 11 weeks pregnant. The baby, which apparently I can now officially call a "fetus" is the size of a fig. I am not even quite sure the size of a fig, but I know it's bigger than a prune, because the baby was as big as a prune last week.

I am so grateful and humbled by the way my life has twisted, turned, and got me here. It simply was meant to be in its own time. In Gods time I believe.

At some point soon I will post my entertaining pregnancy thoughts, symptoms, and random stories. I have some good ones I've been saving up.

For now.... grow baby grow....

What a Difference a Year Makes

On this day, at this time last year, I was at work. Nothing seemed out of the ordinary, I was still waiting  for our homestudy to get the final approval, which I had been waiting on since before Christmas. It was never-ending.

Let's recap the day of February 22nd, 2012.

12:00 I went to lunch with a fellow adoptive mother at a Chinese place near work. We talked, well I talked about my struggles with waiting for our child. Was it ever  going to end? How long would I wait before we got "the call." She prayed with me, and we asked God to bring me a child that was meant for me. My friend adopted a 19 month old a couple years before, and was in the waiting game for a second child at this point.

12:45 I walked back to work, and saw on my phone that I had gotten an email from our adoption agency. It was saying that our homestudy had been approved and was now on the state site for social workers throughout the state to view. I was a mother in waiting.

1:15 pm My phone rang. It was our social worker, I figured she was calling to tell me that our homestudy was now live, just a follow up call to the email. She told me, "Actually, I'm calling because I have a potential placement." Me: "Huh?!"

I listened and learned that two little girls were looking for a family. They were 3 and 4. My immediate response in my mind was that I couldn't do this. I wanted a baby, or a child less than two, which is what we put in our profile. We also had only signed up for ONE child. But I listened. I shut up, I prayed, and listened.

Not even an hour later the girls social worker was calling me to give me a phone disclosure. Normally, when you go to a disclosure about a child you go to the social workers office, and go through their file over and over, you get to ask a lot of questions, see pictures, etc. I got none of that. I got a 30 minute crash course on the phone, in an empty office, at work, on these two little girls. I knew their race, but didn't know what they looked like. I learned of their sad story. Their journey for a mom and dad that was taking far longer than any child deserved. They were healthy, they were vibrant, they were cute, she assured me.

At this point she put the pressure on. The girls were arriving at her office Friday morning (it was a Wednesday afternoon). They needed a place to go. I hadn't even spoken to my husband yet. Holy shit. She said she knew she was putting me in a difficult spot. She could try to find a foster home to take them for the weekend, we could meet them there, and then decide. I thought of these poor little girls, moving again, and then potentially ending up at our home anyway, I couldn't do. I knew in my heart I had to give this a try.

So I called my husband, who didn't have his cell phone. We went over and over the importance of him always having his cell phone during the process. On this day he left it at home. So I called someone who coached with him, and found him. I told my husband the situation while he was in the middle of coaching practice, in the middle of field. I'm lucky he didn't collapse. He was actually calmer than I was. He said, well we can take them this weekend and then see how it goes.

The decision was made. We would pick the girls up at 11am Friday morning. By now it was Wednesday at 4:30pm. 3 and 4 years-old, mostly potty trained, healthy, cute, I got a height and weight from a Dr's appt a few months earlier. They didn't know if the girls would come with any clothes or anything. All I had was a kid room with a crib and a few blankets, and a ton of baby clothes. What the frick was I going to do.

I made some calls, and by the end of the night that night (thanks to many generous friends and a trip to Target with a friend who had a four year-old) I had acquired most of what I would need.

I was excited, nervous, terrified and exhausted. Sounds like a mom to me!

On Thursday I went into work for a few hours. I hadn't planned on any of this, and now I was potentially initiating a maternity leave with no notice, which everyone was great about. I tied up some loose ends and planned to take at least the next week off, because if it didn't work I needed to give the social workers time to find another place for the girls. I got the rest of what I needed to have, another bed, car seats, toys and books friends brought, and came home to get the girls room ready.

I didn't sleep at all the night before we picked them up. I couldn't wait to meet them.

The Aftermath (of Adoption)

So, when you sign adoption papers, and are getting ready for the finalization date, the social workesr ask some difficult questions, and not only were we not expecting them, we didn't know what to answer. They asked us whether 1) we'd be open to more children that came into the system from the girls birth mom 2) would we be open to sibling contact if the girls had siblings that wanted to be in touch with them. After some discussion with our social workers, we said they could contact us for both, and then we would decide. Because the situation was hypothetical we didn't want to close the door.

A week or so ago, I got a call. One of my kids has 2 birth brothers. They have the same sperm donor (or birth dad). So, apparently the mother of these boys went to the county office and asked to contact us, this lead to a phone call by a social worker to me, which lead to pictures in the mail and a consent if I was interested, which lead to a big decision.

I felt a little lost. Almost like it wasn't my decision to make. Of course it is. But, this is HER past. If I say no, and she asks me one day about her birth family, how will I tell her that they tried to contact her and I sent them away? Will she hate me for that? So after much discussion between me and my husband, we decided to give the birth siblings an email address for her that they can mail pictures/write to. The email is anonymous and doesn't use our names at all. I also sent a picture of her.

The pictures I got from the boys mom were interesting. Her brothers look just like her. She looks like her sperm donor. Almost a spitting image really.

I think sibling contact hits close to home for me because I miss my sister everyday. And, if it were me, I'd want to know about siblings. Maybe when they get older they can meet if my daughter wants that. At least for now I have a few pictures and know their names. Their mom wanted us to meet and be a part of each other's lives, but I don't think thats in my daughters best interest. She is just too young to understand.

These complicated things were definitely NOT covered in all the required adoption classes. Honestly, I wanted to shut the whole thing down because, in a selfish way, it hurt me that these "strangers" looks so much like my daughter and I don't. My kids don't look like me. But, I suppose it doesn't matter because our hearts are the same <3