Saturday, June 9, 2012

There is always another side to the cardboard.

I have not always been a religious person. But since my sister died suddenly almost two years ago. I've developed a relationship with God. Days after she died, I was spiteful. I was angry. I even threw a bible across a room and screamed out my disbelief. I have questioned God, I have yelled at God, I have even actively spoken out against him. But today, I can tell you, He is there.

God walked with me through the darkest hours of my life. He stood by me when I slaughtered him with my words and choices. He has never given up on me.

When the girls came home they asked to go to church. This was something they did at their prior home every Sunday. And I started to think about how important it could be for them to have a relationship with God from the beginning. How would I have coped through those confusing high-school years, through fighting with my parents, through difficult decisions if I had known Him? In addition to these usual coming of age struggles, my children will eventually learn of, and struggle to come to peace with how they entered this world, and the events that happened in their early years. There is profound sadness with each adoption story. Adoption is something beautiful that comes out of (in some cases) something very sad. On the other side of the the love of adoption, there is a great loss, too.

When my girls learn their story, perhaps knowing God, and raising them with faith will help them raise up, and grieve the loss that they've endured. We've continued to go to church every Sunday. I can honestly say that now I look forward to it. It helps build me up for the week ahead. It gives me some words of wisdom. Plus, I get to sing loud which I love....ha!

Church is very emotional for me. I feel sad and guilty that I've treated God the way I have in the past. But I also still struggle with the idea that if I "let go and let God" take control, I'm saying that all the horrible things that have happened in my life are OK.

A couple of weeks ago a video was played that touched my heart. But the end of it I was sobbing so hard I had to leave the worship hall. I would like to share it with you now. Get some tissues, it will make you cry.

Before I end this post, I want you all to know, that I don't ever want to appear to "push" religion on anyone in my posts. I realize that this is my choice, and it doesn't have to be everyones.

Cardboard Testimonies

My cardboard would say, "I lost a baby, my sister, and my golden heart. I was selfish and hopeless"
The other side:
"God stood by me, and made me the mommy of two little angels by adoption."

Sunday, June 3, 2012

Back from my LOA

Sorry! I know there have been no updates for almost three weeks. I had to go back to work and have quickly learned that kids + husband + house + full time job = exhaustion and super busy mommy.

The girls are doing well, they're definitely comfortable in our home, with our family, and are continuing to blossom into bright, sassy, limit testing, little ladies. I am honestly at a loss for words when trying to describe how our lives have changed to anyone.

In the words of Clark W. Griswold, "If I woke up tomorrow with my head sewn to the carpet I wouldn't be as suprised in shock as I am right now." It's true. Right now I'm at my kitchen table looking into my backyard and somehow there are two little girls running around in pink bikini's, there's a trampoline, sandbox, and play house. And let's not forget the pink cadillac escalade.


Oh that's right....we have two kids, they are preschoolers, and it happened so fast! I remember a time when I constantly whined at how long it was all taking. I was trying to embrace every girls night out, every Saturday morning I spent with my DVR, and every moment of my husband. For the most part I drank these moments up, and thank goodness, because so much of this is now just a memory.

The girls operate on an 80/20 agenda. 80 percent of the time they are amazing. I look at them and feel so much love, and hope for the future. I want to give them everything. The other 20 percent of the time, they are little heathens and I am pretty sure they were sent here to pinch my every nerve. I have yelled. I have said childish things back to them. I have grabbed them by their arms (ugh I HATED when my mom did that to me). I am a new mom. I am learning, my husband and I both are. I realize that the girls are also learning what it's like to be consistently disciplined and have set rules, and most of all, have a family, a mommy and daddy.

There are moments that I think I'm crazy for signing up for this. There are moments when I am pushed to the brink of my patience and I wonder how I'll make it another moment. But I always do. There are also moments where I think my heart is just simply going to burst because of all the love I have for my family. Moments when my heart breaks as I'm pulling out of the garage knowing that a whole day will go by before I get to snuggle them, or hear their laughs again.

I was talking to a friend recently and she was giving me a hard time about not keeping up on my blog. I told her that it is definitely a time constraint. But, it's also a tightrope of what to post. I will not lie and say this is a fairytale and every moment is bliss. It's not true and I'm not going to make other mommies feel like crap by my delusions. I also don't want to appear ungrateful. I begged for motherhood, and now that I'm here, I do feel guilty when I have a hard day and complain to my husband, or anyone.

The bottom line is, yes I am so grateful, and so in love. But motherhood is no joke. It's hard. I have NEVER been a patient person, but now, patience is my frenemy, and we're learning to work together.