January

Did you know that January has 31 days? I'm pretty sure it didn't always.

Dear January, eff you. Get on with it already.

Inhale

And

Sigh.

Dear Birthmom

For the past couple weeks we've been working on our "Dear Birthmom" letter. Let me tell you, it was the most difficult letter I've ever written. In one sense, it's a love letter to someone you've not ever met. It is also a bit of a plea, or sales pitch, "hey, we're so and so and this is who we are and what we do, please give us your baby." No seriously. It's really difficult to write.

When we finally got it done, we gave it to 4 people to read. That's it. We chose people who knew us well, but would be able to get over the emotion, and be straight with us about how the letter sounded. One of them was pregnant, which I thought was good because pregnancy hormones can sometimes put a different spin on things. And, of course, the reader of this letter is going to be expecting, so we thought it only appropriate.

The letter was finished and edited Wednesday, Thursday night we finished up our picture pages (scrapbook style pages with pictures of us, our family, our friends, our animals, and our home), and today we mailed our required 8 profiles off. They will arrive at our agency Monday. From what they said to me a while back when we decided to be open to birth mom situations our profiles can be viewed starting now, even though our study is not yet finished. So we're out there....in case anyone walks through our agency's doors and wants to take a look. Our agency has 5 offices throughout California. So one profile goes to each and I'm not sure what the extra are for.

We've also been more open with letting people know that we're almost done with our paper work, and would be willing to speak with anyone who is considering adoption for their child. Just because word of mouth can sometimes bring a birth mom and adoptive parents together. I actually met a girl last week at a meeting at work (we were introduced by a friend of mine) and she works with lower income pregnant women. She said she'd find out for me what the process might be to put my name and information out there to those women if they were considering adoption.

The wonderful people in our lives are keeping their eyes and ears open for our child as well. It's nice to know that so many people care about us becoming parents. We are very lucky.

Our little one is out there, that's for sure, and s/he doesn't know it, but mommy and daddy are working very hard to get them home.

A Table for a Tot

Hi All!
Not a whole lot going on here (still). Just waiting away. But, for those of you who are honestly worried about my mental health, this week is a much better week than last. And, I did get my validation after all. A good friend of mine who adopted from the same agency we are going through said to me, "well it sounds like you are ready to rip some heads off...and that's OK. It's normal to get scared and angry when you are so close to the end and it's taking forever."
I appreciated her honesty, and validation. Eventhough I feel nutty at times, I know I am not alone.

Here is the table and chairs (more like stools) I bought online at zulily.com. If you are not a member of this site, BECOME ONE. It's free and they have great deals on kid stuff, house stuff, and women's clothes and shoes.



So, if our little one is a "tot" they will have this cute spot to eat at, do playdough, and color, etc. If we end up with a baby, this will get put away for a while and a rocking chair will take it's place. This table has storage in the little seats, and it actually folds up so I can store it, or travel with it, whatever. My friends who have toddlers all have a little table for them, it's a must from what I can see!

I wish I was a kid again so I could live in this nursery!

"Sorry for acting bipolar, I'm paper pregnant"

Yes, this statement actually did come out of my mouth this week, to one of my poor office mates who witnessed a childish meltdown. I was feeling impatient, jealous, sad, lonely, hopeless, and frustrated among other things, and I started balling in my office, in the middle of a Tuesday.

Adoption causes hormones too....and because of that, I've coined the term "paper pregnant." It is where you get all the emotions of a pregnant person without the bump. It's pretty amazing. Not.

I truly do feel bipolar. One day I wake up and I'm excited about adopting. I feel at peace with the path we're on, and I'm excited to meet our child.

Then the next day I wake up angry, and jealous that 90% of the world get pregnant. In less than a year, they conceive. I've been trying to get pregnant since July 2009. All I have to show for it is one loss. People ask me a lot if I'm still "trying to have a baby." We're not, but we're not preventing, and the fact of the matter is that it still hasn't happened. I'm a crossroad where I feel like I need to be at peace with the fact that it may not ever happen for me. All the studies say that statistically if you don't conceive within 3 years of trying your success rate of ever conceiving goes down to about 10%. Thats a pretty shitty statistic.

I was always going to adopt. But, I want to carry a baby too. I want to feel him/her move inside me. I want to have a bump to rub cocoa butter on. For God's sake I want to feel nausea, and puke and know it's because I'm growing a baby. I want to breast feed. I want to give birth to a child made from my husband and I's DNA.

End Rant.

Back to paper pregnancy. Adopting is not the easy way out. The fact is that it's one hell of a rollercoaster and it requires you to wait while someone else takes your hopes of becoming a parent and creates your big homestudy document on their time. It is safe to assume that my social worker is working on our homestudy right now, right? Nope, I called her to check in with her after my meltdown and she is out of the office all week. I'm sorry, whhhaaaaaaaaaaat? That is unacceptable. Doesn't she know people are waiting to become parents over here? Sheesh!

It's January 20th. I was told mid February. Since it's a 29 day month, I'm giving her til the 15th. As if I could actually control this deadline, or any of this. But, as of today, that's what date I'm trying to make it to without pulling out my hair.

It's going really well, really.

Embracing the Wait

I just updated my facebook status to: January. Is. The. Longest. Month. Ever.

It totally freaking is. I feel like we've been waiting forever. But, when I get really agitated about the waiting, I say a prayer for patience, and I realize that the rest of this process is all about waiting.

Waiting for our homestudy to be written, edited and approved.

Waiting for our social worker to find our little one.

Waiting to be chosen by the childs social worker or a birth mom once our social worker shares our homestudy.

Waiting for a disclosure meeting for a foster child or birth of a birth mom's child.

Waiting to meet the child.

Waiting to bring them home.

Waiting for the adoption to finalize.

This is going to be our life for awhile, so though I'm excited and impatient, I must learn to be comfortable here.

I am trying to marvel at my Saturday mornings of laying on the couch, sipping coffee and watching my DVR. I am going to bed early if I want because I can. I leave, and go to the store, or where ever if I want because soon it won't be so easy. Sometimes I just sit and read in my quite comfy living room, because the quiet will soon be a distant memory. Though I long for diapers, sleepless nights, and noise I know I will miss this time, where it's just he and I. I will have no regrets when I leave this place of being a child free adult, but I want to embrace it while I can, if only to make the time more tolerable.

Some Inspiration

One of my amazing hopeful mama's to be shared this with me today. And, it brightened my day. So true....

Thoughts on Becoming a Mother

There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better.

I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books,
but because I have struggled and toiled for this child.
I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed.
I have endured and planned over and over again.
Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.
I will notice everything about my child.
I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.
I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me.

I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see.
Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love.
I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain.
I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body, I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.
I have prevailed.
I have succeeded.
I have won.
So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.
I listen.
And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immerse power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.
I have learned to appreciate life.
Yes I will be a wonderful mother.

Time Really Does Stand Still

Seriously? 1-4-12. I think my idea of "time flies" is now history. Time is standing still.
In the past week I have begun my research of the different types of problems and/or situations that we could be presented with.

I have learned:
That a baby exposed to a drug in utero is less at risk than a baby born addicted to (or tested positive for) drugs at birth. So it's one thing for the social worker to say, "this baby was exposed to meth in utero" than "this baby tested positive for meth at birth."

Alcohol is the worst of all the "drugs" that can be used to an unborn baby. Fetal alcohol syndrome (FAS) is one of the most severe forms of mental retardation. Many physical signs are not present at birth, and the disability often doesn't show itself until the child is school-aged.

The reality of all this though is that we don't really know how our child will react to what they have been exposed to, if anything, until they get older. All we can do is be the best parents we can, and pray that God will bring us a healthy child.

I have also just skimmed the surface of things like autism, and detachment disorder. Detachment disorder happens to kids that are moved around from foster home to foster home and literally detach from the adults that are caring for them. This affects bonding and can turn into a lifelong mental illness. This is the reason that our system is getting so strict with placing children into "forever families." Birth parents don't have as long anymore to get their act together before loosing their kids. If the child is younger, the time frame is actually even shorter because it's so damaging to remove kids from a familiar enviornment to a new place time and time again.

We have a lot to learn. And I want to research it so that if I'm presented something I have (what we in nursing call) "an informed consent" which includes the risks and benefits of a situation.

I also pose the question to any of you reading this, what do you think about nature vs. nurture? There are quotes such as, "the apple doesn't fall far from the tree" but how much does your genetic code make you who you are?

Would I be who I am if I was raised by someone other than my mom? I don't know. I'm a lot like her in some of my mannerisms, but is that genetic or is that the way I was raised? I think it's a bit of both. But, as an adoptive mom, can I make the nurture outweigh the nature? Can I give my children a new heritage and succeed?

I hope so. Because if not, then what the hell am I doing here?