Monday, August 29, 2011

Birth fathers & Secretaries

Things are moving along. We're 13 weeks today. One more week and we're out of the first trimester already. Time feels like its moving slowly, but I know its going to fly by. There is still so much to accomplish. I have added "The Mother of all To-Do Lists" to the sidebar for easy tracking; and, it honestly entertains my Type A personality to have a list to cross off.

Why the title of this post?
Two things are happening/have happened in the past week and I'd like to share them both.

Birth father:
Our baby's birth father is young, indecisive, and from the sound of it, still possibly in "love" with our baby's birth mother. So, he is really struggling with this adoption. It doesn't seem he wants to parent this baby, but he isn't sure that he is willing to give up his rights either. He is being...for lack of a better word: difficult. In one sense, I don't blame him. I mean, this baby is genetically his, and I'm sure he's struggling with many emotions. On the other hand, I'm not sure his heart is in the right place. He has no parenting plan, no financial capability, and no familial support. All I can do is pray that God takes care of this one for us, and brings this baby to us.
Keep us in your thoughts this week, as the birth father will be asked to sign his termination of rights, and if he does that, I truly believe our journey will be easier from here on out. I wish he could see the desperation in our eyes and feel the attachment we've already grown to the baby that grows in our birth mom's tummy. I wish he could feel the warmth and love that radiates from our home. I wish he could see the many people in our lives that we've shared our news with that are (right along with us) awaiting graciously the arrival of our baby.

This is the most ridiculous thing that happened last week. We had to choose an agency to complete our homestudy for us. (Refer to the "Mother of all To-Do Lists" to see whats involved in this). Part of the application you fill out from this agency that we've chosen is a "Grocery" list of what type of child you'd accept in your home because the agency is foster to adopt focused. I called the secretary to see if we needed to fill our "list" out because we already know the baby we're expecting. This is the answer I got:
Secretary: Well, relinquishment's (our type of adoption) fall apart pretty often, so go ahead and fill it out so that we can move forward if this doesn't work out.
Me: Speechless (which never happens)
Secretary: So go ahead and fill it out, and then send it in to me and we'll go from there.
Me: Okay, I'll get it in the mail soon.

W.T.F.? Really? These are the people who take calls from families desperate for children. Really? Holy mother of crap I cannot believe this lady. If this had been anyone at the agency except for the secretary, I would have found another place to do our homestudy.

Maybe she had an adoption fail? I'm not sure. I know that when we met with social worker he had said that these types of adoption are the most risky, and that we should expect one failed placement (adoption that didn't work out) before a successful one. BUT, I believe our situation is different. We met this person through a family friend. She chose on her own to embark on this mission with us. Our connection is different, its not agency based. I'm not saying there is no chance she will change her mind, there is a chance. And, well, welcome to adoption. Whats my other option? To load myself full of hormones, and do that IUI cycle with my RE that may also not work out? I'm not a fertile myrtle. Things haven't happened easy for me. But, I'm hard working. So I will work hard every day I'm given to bring this baby home. I am going to believe that he or she is coming home every day. This is a gift. My relationship with our birth mother, and her family, is a gift. Too much has happened leading up to this that I'd be crazy not to see it as "meant to be." God does have a hand in this one.

As a last (less hostile) thought.....I'm in love with this quote:
"Not flesh of my flesh nor bone of my bone, but still miraculously my own. Never forget for a single minute that you didn't grow under my heart, but in it."

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

The Mother of all To-Do Lists

So, when we started this adoption, met and "clicked" with our birth mom and her family, I thought the hard part was over. Someone choose us. Someone agreed to give us her baby, and so therefore the rest should be easy. Yeah freaking right. If there is anything I've learned about becoming a parent, it's that nothing, and let me emphasis: NOTHING is easy.

So, in the next 6 months, 1 week, and 5 days (as of today, not that I'm counting) I have a TON of stuff to do to be able to bring this baby home when he/she is born. Here goes:

The Mother of all To-Do Lists
Hire a Lawyer
Find a homestudy agency
Get funds to afford the adoption
-Complete a Homestudy which encompasses:
  1. Attending 12 hours of classes (that occur 1.5 hours away, on weeknights in 4 hour increments)
  2. Filling out a very large and specific application and turning it in with pictures of us
  3. My husband and I each filling out several pages of personal questions encompassing our entire life. Our home growing up, our parents, our religion, our habits, our views on parenting...and on, and on
  4. A social worker interviewing us together in his office
  5. Providing certified copies of birth certificates, and our marriage license
  6. Each of us having a physical
  7. Getting fingerprinted
  8. Having above social worker come into and inspect our home (which involves having all chemicals, cleaning agents, and medications in a locked space)
  9. Being individually interviewed for 2 hours a piece by said social worker
  10. Making sure all our animals (4 dogs and 2 cats) have their vaccines up-to-date and documented
-Finding a lawyer in my our birthmoms home state
-Fulfilling the ICPC requirements (a process required when the adopive child is coming from another state). Something I'm sure I'll blog about later.
-Helping our lawyer facilitate getting the birthparents rights terminated

Sadly, I'm sure I'm missing something. But, this list will be my guide through this process. I will probably refer to it again as I can cross things out, more just to show myself that I'm making progress. I will go through this humbly, and not complain because I realize that these processes are put in place to keep children safe, and I cannot argue that. But, I will say, that there are plenty of parents out there that would not "pass" this process, and it's I've said before: not fair.

Happy trails to us.....

Saturday, August 20, 2011

Switching Paths

Wow..12 days and no updates, sorry folks! Things have been crazy busy around here. Here's why:
Yep. That's what I said. In the past month when I was pouring out tears and on my knees begging for a baby. And, I mean begging, I never thought that two weeks later the begging would turn into excitement, and serenity.
It's taken me awhile to write about this, because I didn't want to jinx it, I don't want to put it out there and have someone find it that may be offended by it. But, the truth is, I want to remember these moments and blogging here is not only a way to do that, but a way to discuss and educate others about the new highway toward parenthood that we're on.
So, how did this happen. Well, you know how people always say, "its not what you know its who you know." That statement holds so true for us. I knew (almost) everything about TTC, and ART, and I was ready to adjust my daily life to fit in medications, ultrasounds, and lab draws in order to knock myself up and bring my little bundle home. But it was a family friend who lead us to this baby.
A young birth mom 2500 miles away, who has known our family friend since she was born is growing a baby. And now, she's growing it just for us. She will be 12 weeks along on Monday. We are due in March. It has been amazing getting to know her and her family. We are doing an open adoption so that she can see pictures of the baby as he/she grows, and may do a visit here and there. But, I am going to be the babys mommy, and my husband will finally be called "daddy."
Can you believe it? I have told our closest friends and our families know. Some of them are very reserved, and with good reason. One of my friends said to me, "I just cannot stand to watch you get hurt over this." I understand where she is coming from. But that is the risk you take with adoption. As of today, we're expecting, and all we can do is be thankful for this day. I hope we get to be thankful until the baby is born, and that when he/she is born God will give our birth mom the strength to hand us our baby, and send us on our way as a family of three (of course, more grateful and humbled than ever).
We are so grateful, feel so blessed....we are counting down the days!
Our birthmother hasn't had an ultrasound since very early on (I haven't gotten those pics yet) but here is someones ultrasound pic at 11 weeks (we are 11 weeks 5 days)
(not my photo)

Monday, August 8, 2011


Remember the lab list? The one that encompassed Hepatitis C and many others? Well, today I received a blessing! Our insurance is going to pay for my husbands labs.

Why is this a big deal? Because I got my bill and I had less tests done than him (I'd already completed some of them over the past couple years) and my bill for less testing was $500.00.

So, thank you health insurance for covering one of our lab tests!

Gotta be grateful for the small stuff.

I hope everyone has a great week!


Friday, August 5, 2011

Maybe I've Been Selfish

Today was one of those "time to put your ass in check" kind of days.

There are some friends in your life that are closer than others. Period. And the closest ones challenge you to truly put your infertile hostilities aside and open your eyes. Other people are going to have kids. Your entire community is not going to abstain from procreation because you are sensitive and subfertile.

I don't have a problem voicing my jealousy to my friends about people who are pregnant. And, I've even said things to them like, "you'd better not get pregnant again until I do." I mean to come off as humorous, but I know my friends are thinking, "oh shit, she's actually kind of not kidding."

Anyway, today, one of my long time friends that I hold very close to my heart burst into tears while she told me that she and her husband were going to try for their second baby. She told me that they'd been discussing it for a while, but part of her wanted to put it off due to my situation.

It broke my heart.

The truth is, as much as sometimes I wish time would stop. That all babymaking could just cease until my husband and I are successful in conceiving, I am not the type of person who wants to hurt my friends. When they are sad, I'm sad, and watching a good friend of mine be in pain about her decision to become pregnant again really affected me.

I told her that I was sorry, for I knew that I had caused these bad feelings. I really didn't feel angry about her trying to become pregnant. She has another child thats getting older and its simply time. I guess it just makes me realize that I need to curb my hostility a bit and be less candid with my friends. I never want them to feel like they cannot share such an amazing, exciting and important part of their life with me because of my selfishness. It really is just so hard. Why does it have to be so freaking hard?