Friday, August 5, 2011

Maybe I've Been Selfish

Today was one of those "time to put your ass in check" kind of days.

There are some friends in your life that are closer than others. Period. And the closest ones challenge you to truly put your infertile hostilities aside and open your eyes. Other people are going to have kids. Your entire community is not going to abstain from procreation because you are sensitive and subfertile.

I don't have a problem voicing my jealousy to my friends about people who are pregnant. And, I've even said things to them like, "you'd better not get pregnant again until I do." I mean to come off as humorous, but I know my friends are thinking, "oh shit, she's actually kind of not kidding."

Anyway, today, one of my long time friends that I hold very close to my heart burst into tears while she told me that she and her husband were going to try for their second baby. She told me that they'd been discussing it for a while, but part of her wanted to put it off due to my situation.

It broke my heart.

The truth is, as much as sometimes I wish time would stop. That all babymaking could just cease until my husband and I are successful in conceiving, I am not the type of person who wants to hurt my friends. When they are sad, I'm sad, and watching a good friend of mine be in pain about her decision to become pregnant again really affected me.

I told her that I was sorry, for I knew that I had caused these bad feelings. I really didn't feel angry about her trying to become pregnant. She has another child thats getting older and its simply time. I guess it just makes me realize that I need to curb my hostility a bit and be less candid with my friends. I never want them to feel like they cannot share such an amazing, exciting and important part of their life with me because of my selfishness. It really is just so hard. Why does it have to be so freaking hard?

No comments:

Post a Comment