Saturday, May 12, 2012

Mother's Day, Finally

Tomorrow is Mother's Day, and for the first time, I will be celebrated as a mother, too.

How amazing. How blessed I am to be here, living my life, just as it always was, but with two precious little girls. Thank you God.

I cannot help but be in a place of reflection tonight. Of all that I had to endure, and all that I got to experience on this journey to motherhood. In hindsight it's all nothing short of a miraculous journey. It was all meant to be really, but going through it was grueling. I was actually getting out all my spring and summer tops and dresses, and noticing how much of what I own is black and grey. How much of my nail polish is dark. Until a few months ago, I had no light. I had been stripped of my shining soul and in it's place was a dark hole. But now, I feel like I'm in a forest surrounded by tall trees, and the light is shining down through the branches onto me. I am renewed. My spirit is found.

When we started trying to have a baby in July 2009, our first daughter was already born. In December of 2009, when I lost our first biological child, our daughters birth mother was nine months pregnant with our youngest. She gave birth three weeks later. That first mother's day since I had decided to be a mother was horrible. I didn't get out of bed. I grieved the loss of my baby, but little did I know my daughters were already here.

I was a mother to my biological child for eight weeks. Unfortunately she never found her way to my uterus.

Last summer, (August 2011) I became a mother for the second time. A teenage girl was carrying a baby she intended to allow my husband and I to parent. I got to be that baby's mommy until she was twenty weeks gestation. I was "expecting" her for 11 weeks. If I hadn't of been her mommy during that time, she would have been aborted. This young lady got the chance to be a mom because of my husband and I. What an amazing gift to give to her. I gave her the gift of motherhood. Though my own womb was empty, and I was deeply saddened when she changed her mind, I knew in my heart I had been "used" (for lack of a better word) for something great.

Then on February 24, 2012 I became a mommy for the third time. Two little girls were looking for a family, and they found one.

Tears pour down my face as I reminisc of all that has been. All months of trying for a baby, all the months of feeling more emptiness than I'd ever imagined, all led me here. My life is changed. I understand the perils of infertility and loss, the uncertainty of adoption, and knowing that I want more children at some point, I'm still afraid. But it's not up to me, it's truly God's will. He will take care of me, of my family, of my life.

But yes my friends, this year, I'm a mommy.

Lastly, I'd like to say HAPPY MOTHERS DAY to all of you other mommy's out there. What an amazing job, huh? And to everyone reading this that wants to be a mommy but isn't ready yet, hasn't found a partner yet, or hasn't conceived despite trying. I'm here to tell you (as much as you want to punch me in the face for saying it- I know I always did when people said to me but.....) your day will come. It might not be when or what you are expecting now, but it will be. I promise.

Wednesday, May 2, 2012


Hello from mommy of two land. Today was a special day for the girls, it was their first day of preschool. I began looking and daycare/preschool options about a month ago knowing that my return to work was looming in the not so distant future. I literally checked out every preschool in my town. I price compared, went back and forth, and finally made a choice. I chose a childcare "center" rather than in home daycare because I feel like having an entire building devoted to kid play was important. I also think there are lots of distractions when working from home, like phone calls, cleaning the bathroom- things I get wrapped up in instead of playing with the kids. I chose a preschool very close to our house, it's actually just behind our backyard. This is convienent and helped a lot with the girls peace of mind because they can stand at our back fence and see the kids playing outside.

This preschool is structured, has a curriculum and play times, and has many different activities as the seasons change. I love the teachers, and they were very open to and knowledgeable about kids who are being adopted. Win win.

I was nervous to drop the girls off this morning, as this day marks the beginning of a lot of change for them, and I pray their little brains and hearts can embrace it without much fear. When I dropped them off, I'd planned on staying, but they went right into playing with other kids, so I kissed them goodbye- mind you they didn't kiss or hug back- and left. I was more upset than they were, clearly.

This is a relief but it also makes me sad. The reason this is so easy for them isn't because I'm the luckiest mommy in the world. I wish. It's because these little girls have lived through a lot of transition, and they are used to being put in the new place, and having to make the best of it. They are independant beause they've had to be. Knowing this truth breaks my heart. I know somewhere inside, they're both grieving the homes they've lost, the caregivers they've lost, and the friends they made and had to leave behind. Even when they are laughing and giggling for hours on end, I know the pain is in there, somewhere.

When they first came to me our four year-old would talk about her prior two homes and say that she "never wants to go back to ______'s house." I know this is her defense mechanism, as these home's weren't bad places. But if she makes herself believe they were, then the loss is easier to handle. I get it.

All I can do everyday is pray that God can give them the tools and support they need to grieve their losses, and be able to embrace their new life. All I can do is rock them to sleep when they've had an emotional day, and show them my love for them is real, and endless. I pray that the girls can see our hearts are true, and we are committed to being their parents, forever.

I said earlier that there is a lot of change happening. They are going to preschool two mornings a week, and will continue their gymnastics class twice a week. This gives them something to do everyday Monday-Thursday. I go back to work two weeks from today (cringe), so they will be home with dad when they are not at preschool. I hope to be home in the mid afternoon as much as I can (I can go into work early to allow for this) but it just depends on if I have meetings, etc.

It's going to be a big struggle for me to hand the reins over to my husband. I am a complete control freak and have the girls on a strict schedule. I believe this schedule is what manages their anxiety about being in another new home, and hope he can be open minded to keeping his schedule the same for a while.

Throught it all I will breathe, and pray.