Saturday, May 12, 2012

Mother's Day, Finally

Tomorrow is Mother's Day, and for the first time, I will be celebrated as a mother, too.

How amazing. How blessed I am to be here, living my life, just as it always was, but with two precious little girls. Thank you God.

I cannot help but be in a place of reflection tonight. Of all that I had to endure, and all that I got to experience on this journey to motherhood. In hindsight it's all nothing short of a miraculous journey. It was all meant to be really, but going through it was grueling. I was actually getting out all my spring and summer tops and dresses, and noticing how much of what I own is black and grey. How much of my nail polish is dark. Until a few months ago, I had no light. I had been stripped of my shining soul and in it's place was a dark hole. But now, I feel like I'm in a forest surrounded by tall trees, and the light is shining down through the branches onto me. I am renewed. My spirit is found.

When we started trying to have a baby in July 2009, our first daughter was already born. In December of 2009, when I lost our first biological child, our daughters birth mother was nine months pregnant with our youngest. She gave birth three weeks later. That first mother's day since I had decided to be a mother was horrible. I didn't get out of bed. I grieved the loss of my baby, but little did I know my daughters were already here.

I was a mother to my biological child for eight weeks. Unfortunately she never found her way to my uterus.

Last summer, (August 2011) I became a mother for the second time. A teenage girl was carrying a baby she intended to allow my husband and I to parent. I got to be that baby's mommy until she was twenty weeks gestation. I was "expecting" her for 11 weeks. If I hadn't of been her mommy during that time, she would have been aborted. This young lady got the chance to be a mom because of my husband and I. What an amazing gift to give to her. I gave her the gift of motherhood. Though my own womb was empty, and I was deeply saddened when she changed her mind, I knew in my heart I had been "used" (for lack of a better word) for something great.

Then on February 24, 2012 I became a mommy for the third time. Two little girls were looking for a family, and they found one.

Tears pour down my face as I reminisc of all that has been. All months of trying for a baby, all the months of feeling more emptiness than I'd ever imagined, all led me here. My life is changed. I understand the perils of infertility and loss, the uncertainty of adoption, and knowing that I want more children at some point, I'm still afraid. But it's not up to me, it's truly God's will. He will take care of me, of my family, of my life.

But yes my friends, this year, I'm a mommy.

Lastly, I'd like to say HAPPY MOTHERS DAY to all of you other mommy's out there. What an amazing job, huh? And to everyone reading this that wants to be a mommy but isn't ready yet, hasn't found a partner yet, or hasn't conceived despite trying. I'm here to tell you (as much as you want to punch me in the face for saying it- I know I always did when people said to me but.....) your day will come. It might not be when or what you are expecting now, but it will be. I promise.

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