"Sorry for acting bipolar, I'm paper pregnant"

Yes, this statement actually did come out of my mouth this week, to one of my poor office mates who witnessed a childish meltdown. I was feeling impatient, jealous, sad, lonely, hopeless, and frustrated among other things, and I started balling in my office, in the middle of a Tuesday.

Adoption causes hormones too....and because of that, I've coined the term "paper pregnant." It is where you get all the emotions of a pregnant person without the bump. It's pretty amazing. Not.

I truly do feel bipolar. One day I wake up and I'm excited about adopting. I feel at peace with the path we're on, and I'm excited to meet our child.

Then the next day I wake up angry, and jealous that 90% of the world get pregnant. In less than a year, they conceive. I've been trying to get pregnant since July 2009. All I have to show for it is one loss. People ask me a lot if I'm still "trying to have a baby." We're not, but we're not preventing, and the fact of the matter is that it still hasn't happened. I'm a crossroad where I feel like I need to be at peace with the fact that it may not ever happen for me. All the studies say that statistically if you don't conceive within 3 years of trying your success rate of ever conceiving goes down to about 10%. Thats a pretty shitty statistic.

I was always going to adopt. But, I want to carry a baby too. I want to feel him/her move inside me. I want to have a bump to rub cocoa butter on. For God's sake I want to feel nausea, and puke and know it's because I'm growing a baby. I want to breast feed. I want to give birth to a child made from my husband and I's DNA.

End Rant.

Back to paper pregnancy. Adopting is not the easy way out. The fact is that it's one hell of a rollercoaster and it requires you to wait while someone else takes your hopes of becoming a parent and creates your big homestudy document on their time. It is safe to assume that my social worker is working on our homestudy right now, right? Nope, I called her to check in with her after my meltdown and she is out of the office all week. I'm sorry, whhhaaaaaaaaaaat? That is unacceptable. Doesn't she know people are waiting to become parents over here? Sheesh!

It's January 20th. I was told mid February. Since it's a 29 day month, I'm giving her til the 15th. As if I could actually control this deadline, or any of this. But, as of today, that's what date I'm trying to make it to without pulling out my hair.

It's going really well, really.