Saturday, June 9, 2012

There is always another side to the cardboard.

I have not always been a religious person. But since my sister died suddenly almost two years ago. I've developed a relationship with God. Days after she died, I was spiteful. I was angry. I even threw a bible across a room and screamed out my disbelief. I have questioned God, I have yelled at God, I have even actively spoken out against him. But today, I can tell you, He is there.

God walked with me through the darkest hours of my life. He stood by me when I slaughtered him with my words and choices. He has never given up on me.

When the girls came home they asked to go to church. This was something they did at their prior home every Sunday. And I started to think about how important it could be for them to have a relationship with God from the beginning. How would I have coped through those confusing high-school years, through fighting with my parents, through difficult decisions if I had known Him? In addition to these usual coming of age struggles, my children will eventually learn of, and struggle to come to peace with how they entered this world, and the events that happened in their early years. There is profound sadness with each adoption story. Adoption is something beautiful that comes out of (in some cases) something very sad. On the other side of the the love of adoption, there is a great loss, too.

When my girls learn their story, perhaps knowing God, and raising them with faith will help them raise up, and grieve the loss that they've endured. We've continued to go to church every Sunday. I can honestly say that now I look forward to it. It helps build me up for the week ahead. It gives me some words of wisdom. Plus, I get to sing loud which I love....ha!

Church is very emotional for me. I feel sad and guilty that I've treated God the way I have in the past. But I also still struggle with the idea that if I "let go and let God" take control, I'm saying that all the horrible things that have happened in my life are OK.

A couple of weeks ago a video was played that touched my heart. But the end of it I was sobbing so hard I had to leave the worship hall. I would like to share it with you now. Get some tissues, it will make you cry.

Before I end this post, I want you all to know, that I don't ever want to appear to "push" religion on anyone in my posts. I realize that this is my choice, and it doesn't have to be everyones.

Cardboard Testimonies

My cardboard would say, "I lost a baby, my sister, and my golden heart. I was selfish and hopeless"
The other side:
"God stood by me, and made me the mommy of two little angels by adoption."

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