Monday, March 21, 2011

The Final Exam

There comes a point in everyones ferility journey (I think) where you realize that you have become completely sucked in. There isn't anything you wouldn't do to get answers that will lead you to your baby. Period. Though this crossed my mind during the crimson ultrasound, and during the countless moments of trying to decipher whether or not my ovulation predictor stick was in-fact positive, it was the final exam that confirmed my obsession, my willingness to go as far as I needed to go for answers.

The final exam was not for me to complete, but for my husband. The dreaded semen analysis. The rules were laid out very clearly:
1. no sex for 2-5 days
2. masturbate into the cup with NO lubricant (no saliva, nada)
3. label exact collection time on the container and get to the lab within 30-45 minutes.

Simple enough right? Ha! Haven't I taught you all anything? So, the lab in the small town we live in does not do semen analyses, apparently the person who performs the analysis is pretty special....
The nearest lab: 30 miles away. Average driving time from our house to the location: 35 minutes. I called the lab to make sure this was sufficient, otherwise we were going to have to make something happen in their parking lot. They said to keep the sample warm and get here as fast as we could. Warm? Hmm...Our mission was clear. We needed to get this test done during a certain time, and the day that worked for both of us was a rainy Thursday. I had the day off work, and my husband said he could collect the sample before he left for his work day.

We had a master plan....ha ha I said master and it regards to masturbation....I'm so funny! Anyway...after giving my husband a few minutes head start I started my car. A few minutes later he came out and handed me the specimen. I got in the car thinking to myself "ok, gotta hurry, hmmm, warm, warm" so I did what any responsible semen transporter would do. I put my seat warmer on the lowest setting and placed the cup in between my legs. I was driving along, taking note of how ridiculous this situation was, I mean, really? But there I was, desperate to get this sample to the lab for processing.

As I was driving I decided to text my friend to let her know what was going on, cause it was just too ridiculous to keep to myself, but then I stopped because I thought, "If I get pulled over, how will I explain this? Um, officer, I have my husbands semen in a cup here between my legs so I really have to get to the lab, could we reconviene at another time?" No dice, so I put the phone down.

When I got to the lab there were probably 16 people in the waiting room, I went up to the counter and said that I had a STAT lab (thats what they told me to say). The receptionist looked at me and said "what kind of STAT lab." Mortified, I handed her the slip and pointed to the ordered test. After turning 4 shades of red she took my insurance information and sent me on my way.

The test was normal, my husband has ample sperm with good motility. The hurdles were cleared and it was time to sit down with my doctor and move on to phase two.

1 comment:

  1. Driving with your husband's sperm nestled between your legs -- there's a really, really good joke in there somewhere.