23 weeks (1 more week til viability)

I get that the title of this post is a little bit morbid. But, when you try, and try to have a baby, and your only prior experience with pregnancy is loss, you do pay attention to dates, and at what dates your baby could actually come out and survive. 24 weeks is the mark of viability for a fetus (fetus= baby in your uterus). If baby girl comes out a week from today, God forbid, she has a 50/50 chance of surviving. This is because in the 23rd week lungs start the beginnings of being able to function. 24 weeks has been a secret goal of mine because of that. Granted, I have no reason for concern, my cervix is long and closed according to my doc at my last appointment, and I have not had any contractions to speak of (knock on wood). I hope she stays in there and cooks quite a while longer!

At 23 weeks I am visibly pregnant. I am over 20 pounds heavier than my pre-pregnancy weight. I am done weighing myself. So, we are just going to stay with "over 20 lbs." LOL. There are some not so sexy or exciting things that go on when you are pregnant that I would like to post here. I am doing this because no one told me, and I wish someone would have. It would have saved some terrified googling, and reading my "mayo clinic pregnancy guide book" under pressure. So, if you don't know me and my TMI abilities, read on with caution.

1. You will be constipated. And I'm talking not going every day, pushing til you think you will deliver your baby constipated. Take the damn stool softener every day. Don't forget. I eat plenty of fiber and drink plenty of water, or at least plenty of fluid and it still wasn't enough. Colace is my life saver. Use it.

2. Constipation = hemorrhoids. I'm not going to say more. Just know that one thing leads to another.

3. Buy stock in pantyliners. Your reproductive parts are busy growing a human. And part of that is protecting said human by making acidic discharge that will come out of you. Plentifully. Also, you will start to(in about the 5th month) leak urine. Maybe you'll laugh too hard, maybe you will wipe to get on with life after peeing for the 100th time that day and you weren't quite done. Buy pantyliners.

4. Your nipples will get bigger, darker and puffy. The word bigger is not a word I would use to describe what your boobs will do. Your boobs will take over your chest. I have a friend who literally stares at my boobs and comments on them every time I see her. She has had a BOOB JOB and they look big to her. Another friend who has had two kids calls hers "national geographic boobs" and I get it.

5. Do not, for any reason, look at your southerns with a mirror. There is a lot of blood flow happening down there and things will get swollen and change colors. This may scare you and make you think you have labial cancer. You don't, but just don't look. No one needs to see that. Except your OB, s/he gets paid for this stuff.

I am going to stop there because some of you don't have kids yet and I don't want to be the reason you reached for that second bottle of wine, or whisky tonight. Just know that I am here, I am honest, and I am willing to answer all your questions when your time comes. And I will warn you about this not so pleasant stuff so you don't get the crap scared out of you too.

Hands down, my favorite thing is still feeling her move :) And I actually really like it that friends and people at work rub my belly. I feel so special and loved....and blessed, always blessed.

22 Weeks Tomorrow!

I can finally say that time is starting to fly by in regard to this pregnancy. Let's face it, in regard to life.

Saturday, the 19th marks a year since we finalized the girls' adoption. My four and a half year old who came to me not being able to talk (all the kid did was babble) is now not only a talker, but quite smart and complete with her sentences. My five and a half year old is striving in kindergarten, and actually read me her 1st book last night. Granted the book only had two words in it (I see) followed by a picture but she got the concept of reading and did well. I am so proud of my girls!

Little miss is apparently as big as a spaghetti squash now. I am done with those fruit and vegetable measurements though, honestly. It told me 20 weeks was a banana and 21 weeks was a carrot. I have to disagree with this progression. A carrot is smaller than a banana. I mean, c'mon. Nonetheless, she is moving around like crazy. This morning my husband actually felt like she karate chopped him. He has made a habit out of putting his hand on my belly in the morning before he gets up, today she was like, "good morning pops here's a kick to the hand." Her movements are so strong now. The girls have felt her move too and they think its both the coolest and weirdest thing ever.

I am starting to think about what I am going to buy for this baby, or register for as the case may be. It's a tough decision. I started with reading the ever popular "Baby Bargains" book which reviews brands and price points, and narrowed things down there. Now I'm looking to make the choice for a carseat/stroller combo, and have chosen the pack and play I want. Jury is still out on the following, so if any moms are reading and want to give me an opinion I'm all ears:

1. High chair- I'm thinking the Graco slim fit one because our dining room is small and it folds up.
2. Moby wrap or Ergo? For those of you who are going "wtf" right now, these are baby carriers. The Moby is the popular one but I don't know that I'm skilled enough to wrap it right so the baby will stay in.
3. Swing vs. Bouncer. I'm coming to the conclusion that I'll need both. But what swing is best? Or do I want one of those glider things?

So. Many. Decisions.

So I keep researching. I am going to to make my registry at BabiesRUs by November 15th because if I do that then I get 10% back in a gift card for what my registry purchases total 2 months after the baby is born. Can you say, free money for diapers?? I can! So even though it'll be a little early I want to get it done for the deal! Plus its fun :)

In the grand scheme of things the rest of this pregnancy is going to fly, we've got Halloween, then I am taking a class for work that I have to study for the first couple weeks of November, the class is the 14-15th of November, then Thanksgiving, my family is coming out for an early Christmas visit December 11th, so my shopping will need to be done early, then of course actual Christmas, New Years, both girls birthdays, my husbands birthday and our birthing class in January....and boom February is here.

Holy crap I think I just had a heart palpitation. LOL.

Life

Here I am, the evening of my 19th week, 5th day of being pregnant. Less than 48 hours away from 1/2 way. I cannot believe this experience is half over.

I know from seeing it first hand that birth is one of the most amazing, precious experiences in this lifetime. I also know that death is much the same. I work in an ICU and have watched many people pass on. It too is a beautiful experience. My current hormonal state makes me ponder life a lot. I think about my life, my kids lives, the lives of people I love, and how they twist and turn endlessly.

The other day someone shared this video with us at work, and I was so moved by it that I wanted to post it here. Please watch, I hope you enjoy it as much as I did. It even made Simon Cowell cry....

Shit just got real, pregnancy edition

(this is a sweet potato, not some hairy piece of nastiness)

When your husband looks at you undressing to get into the shower one night he is looking both terrified and amazed. He blurts out "babe you are getting f***ing huuuuge."

Shit just got real.

When you go to buy ANOTHER bra because your chesticles are growing at an unnatural pace and you find yourself SQUEEZING into an E cup in the dressing room, and then buy it because anything involving boobs and the letter "F" is too much to bear.

Shit just got real.

When you're walking through the mall after a 30 min drive to said mall desperate to pee and the bathroom is at least 400 yards away so you are waddling toward it while trying to keep your legs together so you don't pee everywhere, and then you have a bladder spasm and lean sideways trying to hold it in....

Shit just got real.

When you fart at the dinner table and it's not quiet and you don't care because holding it in would mean terrible pain.....

Shit just got real.

When your husband (yea he is batting a hundred) puts on a shirt that you likely took too long to fold up and comments on the wrinkles in a sarcastic way and you tell him with a straight face to shove it up his ass, and then burst into tears.

Shit just got real.

But best of all, when you are lying in bed and cannot fall asleep because you can finally feel your little girl moving around inside of you and you wouldn't miss this for anything (even sleep).

Shit. Just. Got. Real.
And it's amazing.

Week 17... and we have a...

A Girl! We had an elective ultrasound yesterday because my mom was in town, the girls were allowed to come, and most of all, because I am damn impatient and I wanted to know! Ha. It was an amazing experience. We got some great pictures of her in 2D and 4D. The 4D's were a little creepy because little miss doesn't have any fat yet, it's still really early, but over all she really did look quite feminine and cute. She had a little attitude, putting her hand in front of her face, and shying away when the ultrasound tech tapped my belly to make her move. Already she is a stubborn one! Like mother like daughter.

In other news the scale is now in the 140 range. That's 15 pounds up. It's really all belly at this point. The rest of me still looks, well, like me, but I do have quite an impressive baby bump for a 17 week first timer. I'm good with it though. I'd rather look pregnant than oddly fat. I am trying to eat well, because I eat often. Lately fruits and cereal are favorites. I'm trying to limit my fro-yo consumption to once or twice a week. I am also walking 30 minutes 3-4 times a week. I'm doing the best I can.

I am really tired a lot though. I almost feel like my midday nap does more harm than damage, I just cannot come out of it. So, I've taken to putting my feet up in the afternoon and watching an hour of TV or reading a book while the kids rest.

The biggest thing this week: I'm quite certain I am feeling her move. It's like little pops and flutters that I only ever notice if I'm laying down. When I'm resting, I try to really focus on her. I talk to her, I rub my belly, I pray for her health. Seeing my little girl yesterday was one of the most amazing experiences I've had. She is such a miracle, and I am so in love with her it makes me emotional. Having her inside me makes my love for all my girls grow. They are all mine. I don't see how anyone could think that they would love one more than the other. I feel like my heart grew to include my new little bundle. Honestly, I'm so full of love and gratitude that tears fall from my eyes when I think about the topic. I have daughters. Daughter who will grow up and be good women because of me. It's so much responsibility, but moreover, it's such a privilege.

I realize the precious course that life truly is because I have lost. Monday will mark three years since I lost my 18 year old sister in a car accident. Accident. Accident. Accident. I repeat that to myself because it reminds me that it was nothing more than that: an accident. I think of her all the time (of course) but since I've become a mother the devastation I have for my own mother has increased exponentially. As mothers, we are given our children and we do everything in our power to love and protect them. My mother was no different. And she lost her baby girl. Because I lived through this, I realize how careful we must be with our lives. Our children are gifts and we never know how long they are meant to be in our lives. This week I will remember to let the small stuff go.

And I will lay still every day so I can feel those tiny little kicks. You are a miracle my little one. Thank you for coming in to my life. And to my big girls. God gave me you. He picked you for me and me for you. There isn't any more special way to be "born" into a family then that.

4 months! (16 weeks)

I am going to say it again. I really think an orange is bigger than and avocado. My husband agrees with me. But, here we are.

My 16 week appointment went well. We were just supposed to be there for a quick check and then sent on our way, since the big "anatomy scan" is done at 20 weeks. At that time, you get an in depth ultrasound of the baby and this is usually when the doctor will tell you whether you're team pink or blue. BUT, I hormonally begged my doctor to try and see what I called "the money shot" so he agreed. We got in there, started looking around and the baby was sitting Indian style in my uterus. (I think the PC term is now "criss cross applesauce). So, it's feet were covering the clear shot of its junk. That is so my kid. Make it more difficult for mommy to plan and buy things! We did get about a 4 second shot and didn't see anything between the legs, so baby looks like a girl, but we really cannot be sure. But, baby had grown so much since our last peek at 12 weeks it was amazing. Baby had visible, ribs, spinal cord, and baby was sucking their thumb. My doctor asked if I'd felt the baby move yet, I haven't (I don't think) but he said anytime. I so look forward to that.

This will not shock you....I am not waiting til the 20 week anatomy scan to find out the sex. My mom is coming into town this next week and my husband and I are taking her, and the girls with us up to an elective ultrasound place to find out next Thursday. I am so excited. I think this will be a lot of fun, and am excited to get to include the girls in finding out. They take their time pointing out parts and give you a 3D DVD and some pictures, plus there is a nice big screen to watch it on. It'll be fun. Our oldest "A" may be in for a shock because she now only refers to the baby as her brother. I kinda think she's wrong.

I am not doing a gender reveal party or anything, in my opinion it all seems like too much. I mean there's the baby shower, the birth where everyone comes to visit, sometimes a maternity photo shoot by a professional photographer near the end and now people have added a gender reveal party and pregnancy announcement professional photo shoots. It's just too much! Who honestly has the time between throwing up, eating a shit load of food, trying to poop, chasing kids around, working, feeding dogs, and going pee every five minutes? Really it's a lot to get done.

In other news I did something really stupid a little over a year ago and now it's biting me the arse big time. So, the girls came home, and we cramped into my Jetta for a few months, and by summer it got old. So, I went out in search of a new car. I bought the VW SUV that I fell in love with despite my dear husband saying "we're having more kids, I just know we are, get a van." In my defense, I didn't want an effing van. I wanted a soccer mom mobile. So I bought the Tiguan which is like a Ford Escape, or Honda CRV. It's more roomy, but when we rented a van for a road trip I knew I'd messed up. The van was so convenient and everything fit in there, on and on. Well now here I am....I am either going to have to cram a newborn car seat between the girls two booster seats in the back of my Tiguan, or I am going to take a big upside down on the Tiguan and buy a van.....that is, if the car dealer people will do that for me. I've poked around and it seems they will, but it's going to cost me. Dammit. One of the few times my husband was just outright, right.

I have been doing my research and the two best vans in my opinion are the Toyota Sienna and the Honda Oddysey. I think we'll wait til after the new year to make a purchase, but of course today I found one that I really like and its a good deal. I am going to try and hold back but you never know with me....I'm impulsive like that. LOL...I wish I could blame it on the hormones.

Week 15

Wow, 15 weeks. In the next two weeks (assuming my baby cooperates) we will learn the sex of the baby. I am really excited to find out, as I've mentioned before. The baby bump is becoming more plentiful as the days go on. Some of my more fitted scrub tops are getting kinda snug but luckily some ladies at work are lending me larger tops so that will be great.

So, my daily pregnancy update today was about weight gain. It started like this: "you've probably gained about 5 pounds (or a little more or less by now)." Eff you pregnancy update, eff you. I weighed myself two days ago, as I embarked into the fifteenth week and the result was shocking. I have decided to be honest about my weight gain in this blog. So here it is: the day I found out I was pregnant I weight 125 lbs. According to my OB I was marginally underweight so he told me I should gain about 35 pounds this pregnancy. At my 12 week appointment I had gained 5 pounds. I was also constipated and had eaten carbs constantly to ward off nausea. As of two days ago, the scale read 136 lbs. Shit.

From here on out I am supposed to gain 4 lbs a month, or 1 lb a week. Obviously this is going to be non-issue for me. If I am 136 lbs at 15 weeks and have 25 weeks to go I am going to end this at 161 lbs which is a gain of 36 lbs. Thats pretty much right on but I think we all know with the fall and winter months ahead I am going to do some eating. I mean, we all put on a 5 lb (some of us 10) winter coat, right? The thing is, I really don't care that much, it's just a lot of weight. And lets face it, I'm getting older and I am a curvy girl, the weight isn't going to come off easily. BUT- again, I'm going to eat what I want in moderation. Right now the issue is the AMOUNT of food I eat in a day. I got up at 3am last night/this morning and ate because I was starving. But, I am trying to make good choices. I try to snack on fruits and veggies, do salad with a protein at lunch, only indulge in my frozen yogurt love three times a week, etc.

I do exercise still. I walk 3-4 times a week and have been getting back into my yoga now that I am feeling better. I am really trying to trade my afternoon nap for yoga while my kids take their rest on my days off. It's tough but I always feel better after doing it. Prenatal yoga is kind of a joke compared to my usual routine, but it is enough for me. Now that I'm further along I definitely get dizzy and lightheaded much easier. So, I don't want to overdo it.

Lastly, I have to mention. I have really been struggling to sleep at night. I wake up to pee about midnight, and then again about 3am and after the 3am pee I cannot go back to sleep. It's so frustrating. These are my last months of full nights of sleep, soon there will be a newborn to feed, but I am not sleeping. I usually get up, have a snack, zone out to the TV for about 30 min and then head back to bed. Again, oh well, it is what it is I guess. As long as the baby is happy and growing I will deal.

Time to make dinner....