A Quick Note

Vacation!

I had to hold back actually yelling that out when I left work today at 3:56 pm......bye bye work, see ya in a week.

Tomorrow I'm leaving to go stay with my mom for a week in a humid place! I will get to see my aunt, grandparents, a zillion people who've known me "since I was just a little girl." Aw, the face pinching...right?

My stay will including bloody marys, floating on the pond, having looooong talks with my mom, remembering my sister, going to a parade, and shopping, ah yes, I love shopping.

I'll write when I return.

Everyone have a safe and happy 4th of July!

Songs that Bring me Hope

I have always been a music person. I would rather listen to music than watch TV, and anytime something is going on in my life (happy, sad, maddening), I try and find music to explain how I'm feeling. As time has gone on in my "trying for a baby" world, there are a few songs that I always end up singing along with while driving in my car to appointments, to baby showers, and even to work, just to bring me back to life, hopeful, beautiful, effortless, life.

Here's some my my favorites:

Sara Bareilles "Uncharted"

Justin Beiber "Never Say Never" (yes I'm aware this is the second time "The Beib's" has been on my blog.

Jordin Sparks "One Step at a Time"

And Lastly, for now, Randy Houser's "In Gods Time."

Great Book.

I've been reading Melissa Ford's book, "Navigating the Land of IF" and I must say, its brought me back down to earth from planet hysterical, which I was orbiting earlier this week.

Her book touches on all the important issues of IF'ers (IF is the medical abbreviation for infertility). She talks about dealing with emotions surrounding let down, fertility meds, fertility treatments, adoption, third party reproduction (surrogacy, donor eggs and/or sperm), and choosing to live child free.

The whole book is structured like you are on a tour of an island....the island of "IF" and the trials and tribulations that await you while you attempt to get back to the "mainland."

Melissa has been through many of these things, and her knowledge, compassion, and sense of humor make for an amazing read that will settle your nerves and remind you that you are NOT alone.

6 months was irritating, but this is ridiculous.

I know, I know, I haven't written in over a week. What can I say? My "taking a break" mentality has turned into "I'm not pregnant" rage and tears in a matter of one week. Again, I am desperate to be a mom.

It all started when I went to a company picnic this past weekend and EVERYONE else had a baby, toddler, or was expecting. Yes, I'm exaggerating, but thats how it felt. I saw people who have tried, conceived and had a baby in the time I've been trying. I saw one co-worker who had her 5 month old, and her one and a half year-old at the BBQ, both were just a thought when I started this journey.

The title of this post stems from the fact that next week it has been two years since we started trying to conceive. Two years. You know, looking back I thought this may all take a while after my mishap with the ectopic pregnancy, but never, never-ever did I think I'd be sitting in my house two years later childless with a heavy heart.

Ok, I'm whining, I wont lie, I'm feeling pretty sorry for myself these days, but the question surfaces, "ok, I'm miserable, what am I going to do about it?" So today, after much discussion with my husband, and a few days of sitting with my own thoughts I called a second RE to get another opinion about what my options are moving forward from here. I could return to my OB/GYN but I just feel like if I'm going to shell out big bucks for any treatment I want someone who does these treatments every day doing them to me, not my OB who does them rarely. So, in the next few weeks I will meet with a second RE.

The one I chose this time came recommended by the OB/GYN who treated me for my 1st pregnancy and did my surgery when the pregnancy was found to be ectopic. To date, he is my favorite doctor. So, when I called and asked for his opinion, and he glowingly recommended this RE's office I called and made an appointment.

I don't really know whats to come. I still struggle to allow God to hold this in his hands, too. But, I cannot simply be a passenger any longer. I've enjoyed my break but, after my next cycle (which should be starting this weekend) I am eager to start treatments again. Someone once told me that no matter what you've got to buy a ticket and take the ride. So here I go, once again, a passenger.

Ouch.

Pregnancy Envy

You know, throughout this journey I have dealt with sadness, anger, frustration, hopelessness, let down, and even a few moments of flat out giving up. But, the most difficult thing I've dealt with since we've started trying to have a baby is envy. That horrid feeling we get when someone else has, or is experiencing something that we desperately want.

It's not comfortable.

I once told someone that I could handle all the hurt and the disappointment, but I just hated the fact that a pregnant friend became someone I loathed interacting with, someone I didn't want to be around. It's a really, really shitty feeling, and I know its petty and ridiculous, but I cannot always change the way I feel.

My husband said to me one night, "How can you let your emotions get the best of you and not be there for your friends during their special time. Would you want to miss out on so-and-so's pregnancy because you were jealous?" He's right. So I try and do what any good friend should: put on my best Oscar face and be congratulatory and as genuine as I can be. But, it does hurt. Day after day it hurts.

I certainly don't really have any advice to offer on this topic, if you have any for me please share it! I found this article tonight, which actually prompted this blog post:
http://www.conceiveonline.com/articles/pregnancy-envy

"If we only knew what the future holds, after a hurricane comes a rainbow." - Katy Perry

And there he was, masturbating in the park.

So this is kinda off topic, I mean, really in my world and masturbation is seen as flat out reckless abandonment. All sperm are to go towards my waiting egg, and nothing else!

 (not my photo)

With that being said...

The other day a friend of mine was having a stressful time. You see, she is getting married in less than a week, and things such as rain, tornado's, less than organized family members were all getting to her. So, I suggested that we take a walk in the park to clear her head, and relax a little. She graciously accepted.

So we're walking along the cement path, talking about wedding plans, and my new job when bam, to our right there is a man sitting on the bench masturbating. Yep. He had his hand down his sweat pants and was visibling massaging his one-eyed snake.
Choking the chicken
Jacking off
Or as they say in the PC world: masturbating.

We both stopped talking and started holding in our laughter. Honestly, I was closest to him so the first thing that crossed my mind was, "oh shit, I have spandex on and my ass looks pretty good in spandex what if he jumps up and rubs himself on me, or worse, what if our asses combined make him finish." So gross.

This was a sunny Sunday afternoon in the park, there were lots of families out, and kids running around, so we decided we should call the cops and report him. Of course neither of us had our phones, so once we passed him we stopped and asked some fellow parkgoers if they had a phone we could borrow. They did.

I have never called the cops on someone, so I wasn't sure what number to call. Apparently its acceptable to call 9-1-1 in a situation like this to get to the local police. So that's what we did. My friend waited on the phone with the 9-1-1 operator while the cops came to the scene (so much for providing her with stress relief). Then the cop questioned both of us about what had actually happened, and my friend being the animated talker that she is, full on provided the nice officer with the hand motion that the guy was doing when we saw him. I told her she deserved and Oscar for that performance.

There were no arrests made though, cause apparently you have to see the ACTUAL penis to have it be classified as "indecent exposure." So lame.

Ah, just another "walk in the park!"