Surrender

Sorry I've been MIA, some amazing things have been happening in my life:
-lake weekend with the girls
-got a job that in my mind is a true "dream job" for me. It combines teaching and nursing, I can work 8 hour days instead of 12's, and have a more routine schedule. Many good things to come with this new role that I start Tuesday.
-my very good friend is getting married in 6 days, so we've had a month of preparation and bridal showering, which has been great.
On the baby front, no I'm not pregnant. But, I am happy to report that my last cycle which was a "break" cycle found me actually ovulating on a decent day, and having a normal luteal phase (aside from some spotting here and there). Moreover, I am satisfied to say that my much needed break lead me to the title of this post: surrender.
It's not all positive, I won't lie. In the realm of babymaking, I do, to date feel like somewhat of a failure. I have worked hard, peed on many a stick, used sperm friendly lubricant, taken my temperature, had tons of sex, taken 3 months of clomid, and now, as I enter my 23rd month since we decided to have a baby, and our 15th cycle post ectopic pregnancy of trying, I have not succeeded.
I surrender.
I surrender.
Literally picture me, tears rolling down my face, hands up in the air, and I yell "I surrender. God help me, I want to be a mom more than ever, show me how. Give me this gift, I beg you. God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change those I can and the wisdom to know the difference." Bear in mind I am not a very religious person. I've spent the better part of the past year questioning God's existance and his reasoning for the curveballs that flat out plow into us some sunny Tuesday afternoon. But, I have to believe there is a plan. I have to believe that one day, somehow, all of this struggle and defeat will lead me to something amazing. And at that point, I'll turn around, look back, and share this with someone who needs me to be there for them.
I was supposed to start Femara this cycle, and today is cycle day one. Just typing that deflates my energy because here I am again, at the beginning, another cycle, another month gone, another empty uterus shedding itself for whats to come. I am not doing Femara this month. With my new job I have decided to allow myself another month off. I really need a break. I really feel like the best statement is, "I cannot do this anymore." So, of course we'll still try, non medicated, and I dont really have a plan. I suppose if I want to do ovulation testing I will when the time comes, but I'm really not sure right now. Its like for the first time in my life I don't have a plan and I really don't care. Cause, I've done everything that I can do, so maybe letting go is the key.
I know this post seems depressing, self loathing, pointless. But oddly enough my new revelation is calming to me, it really simply feels "ok." In my heart of hearts I finally know that everything is going to work out, it just will.