Sunday, April 24, 2011
Easter is here. Because we and our families are not very religious, Easter becomes about the Pagan traditions. We live near my husbands family, and every year we have a big meal together, and since the family owns quite a bit of property there is always a big Easter egg hunt.
My husbands family is filled with kids. There are four of us "younger" couples, my husband and I are one of two couples that are married. Every couple has kids but us. So this year, for the first time, I had a meltdown. Yes, last year was sensitive too, my brother-in-laws girlfriend was pregnant on Easter, and I had just lost my first pregnancy so I worked to avoid any family time. But, this year, out of excuses, we are supposed to go to the family dinner. I broke down crying the other night telling my husband I just couldn't go. I said things like "it's not fair," and "I hate not having my own kids to go and find eggs with." He understands, and says that we do have to make an appearance but only have to stay a little while.
I hate the envy thats taken over my heart. The bitterness, the pure, unwrapped jealousy that other people get pregnant, and have kids, and I don't. It's really hard to "put myself in check" and not let my emotions get the best of me.
Today I am going to do some morning yoga. I'm going to breathe. I'm going to be thankful for my husband, my family, my amazing friends.
I'm going to be hopeful that next year, my little one will be here.