"If you build it, they will come."

I am a major home decorating junkie. Every room in my house has its own decor that I carefully select. The project always starts with a paint color, and ends with nick nacks that I pick up from some homegoods type store. I had done every room in our home but one.

When we thought we were having a baby in March, we moved all of our gym equipment out of our second spare room (the first spare is an office/guest room that I did in a beach theme). So, the room has sat empty since August. It's hauntingly empty. And it's white walls were whispering to me "you're not quite a mommy yet, when will you be." And, honestly, that's all I've been thinking about this week. Am I ever going to be a mommy? I know you are all nodding silently at your screens....Of course I will. But, my heart is really hurting right now. What do I do when I'm hurting? I stay busy. So....

I never thought that it would be acceptable to anyone in my life (or myself for that matter) if I started to decorate a nursery without knowing that there was a baby on the way. About a month ago, my mom started encouraging me to get our baby's room ready. She offered to buy some bedding, and a crib.

But it wasn't until yesterday after a conversation with one of my very cautious friends who I love that I felt like I could do this. She said, "I really think you should just get the baby's room ready." She was right, (and I think I needed her approval) I could get a room ready for a baby that's coming to us, somehow, someway. It's OK to paint. It's ONLY paint. In fact, is probably a more practical option than what I've done over the past two years which is buy little onesies, booties and hat's when I saw one that made me sigh.

So today, I painted our nursery. The color is "Herb Garden." It's a bright green that goes with the bedding pattern I've picked out, and already purchased a couple days ago. It was going to be discontinued and I've had my eye on it for a while now, so I bought it.

Here it is:

I am OBSESSED with owls right now. And, since owls are not only cute and gender neutral, but my first word was "owl" I think its completely appropriate.

Thanks to the tattooed guy at Home Depot (who helped me color match the paint to the little blanket you see hanging over the top of the beds leaf) I got the perfect match on our walls. I am going to get a decal of a big tree with an owl sitting on it for one of the walls. And, in addition to this four piece set I bought a matching lamp, and storage bins. So, the maker can discontinue this pattern and I've got all I need.

I really hope everyone reading this doesn't think I've lost my ever-loving mind.

But, most importantly I am feeling better. I painted, steam cleaned the carpet in there, and then my husband and I picked out the wall decals we wanted and ordered them from etsy and he even let me indulge and buy an owl light switch and outlet covers. More pic's to come once I get all this cute stuff. 

Paperwork: CHECK

Well, its official: we are DONE with our paperwork. I mailed it off today. And the weight that lifted off my shoulders when I left the post office was pretty amazing.

What do we do now? We wait. The paperwork should get to our agency by Friday. Our paperwork person is on vacation til Tuesday, so it will be there waiting when she returns. Our therapy letter was sent Monday as well, so it should also be arriving. The only other thing we're waiting for is our finger prints to come back. Because we've always been considering possibly doing the fos-adopt program we got adoptive fingerprints and foster licensing prints. This is necessary because if we do bring a child into our home from the foster care system, they remain a foster child until the adoption finalizes. So, of course, one set is back (adoption) but the second set is not (foster). She didn't seem concerned though, she said they usually follow each other pretty close.

Why is this exciting? Once our paper work is all in our file, a social worker will contact us within 48 hours. Then we schedule our individual interviews, and finally our home visit.

I suppose I'd better print that portion out and start wondering what the requirements are for our house. I know there is a sketch of the house and property involved, so my husband can do that because I do not draw!

Hope everyone's having a good week.

Decisions, Decisions

We have thought long and hard about where we are going to go from here.
For sake of knowing whats weighing on my mind, here are the options:

1. Stop the adoption process and go back to the RE. He can help us move forward with the IUI with injectables. Again, this is about 2500.00 a cycle, with about a 25% success rate.
2. Finish our home study, and proceed with the fos-adopt process. This means that we would be adopting a baby from foster care. The risk is low, because our agency doesn't search out adoptive parents until the childs biological parental rights are ready to, or about ready to be terminated. The difference is that the baby will not be a newborn. He/she would be 6 months old, or older. So that's something to think about.
3. Finish our home study, and transfer to an agency that does newborn adoptions. We would have to take out loans and find other financial means, as this process costs about 15-20K. It gets pricey when an agency has to find a birth mom for you, and you usually have to provide compensation for the birth mom's living expenses, which adds up. (Our last adoption, we were connected with the birth mom via a family friend, only needed one lawyer, and weren't paying for any of the birth moms expenses).
4. Do nothing, knowing that we could possibly conceive naturally.

We haven't made our definite decision. We have decided to finish our home study, because we are so close to being done with it. We just have to finish our questionnaire's, and are still waiting for our fingerprints to come back, which should be any day. Then we will be assigned a social worker, he/she will interview us individually, and then come out to our home to assess our living environment.

Once this is all done, the decision must be made. This is because, the home study will either be written for a fos-adopt program, or a domestic newborn adoption program.

I keep praying for the right path. And hope my answer will arrive soon.

Finding Peace

My last post was hostile. When I wrote it, I felt like I was rotting from all the sadness and anger I had about our entire situation. But, the show must go on.

A heart at peace gives life to the body, but envy rots the bones. Proverbs 14:30

This is so true. I cannot live my life being angry and hostile because others acquire so easily what I long for. I will be a mom, I have to keep telling myself that. One of the best things someone said to me during the past week was that I cannot loose hope. Without it, there's no point. She is right. And, I do have hope, its like a flicker of light in the train tunnel that I'm in, but it's there.

I know one day, when my babies are growing up I will look back on this time, on these past two years, and I'll be thankful that THEY are the mine. For, if I wouldn't have gone through all of this, the children that are on their way to us wouldn't have existed at all.

Pregnancy Posts

I am a facebooker. This should not shock anyone, I've never researched it, but I'm sure that about 90% of Americans facebook. Ok, maybe not that many, seeing as how the elder folks aren't well versed in the technological world for the most part but, you get my point.

Here's the deal. Facebook is not therapy. It should not be used as such. No one gives a shit that your husband has cheated, you have no money in the bank, or your car broke down AGAIN, and you cannot fix it. Likewise, happy news also needs to be kept to a minimum. I have created the letter below for the "Hey I'm pregnant facebook friends" in my life. Please change accordingly for yours.

Dear PERSON WHO OVER-SHARES ON FACEBOOK,

I am so sorry to be a bother, but when it comes to cataloging EVERY pregnancy symptom that you are experiencing, I really don't give a shit. You see, not everyone is as fertile as you. In fact, I am not fertile. I've been trying to have a kid for 2.5 years. You wouldn't know this, because I don't feel the need to share it with the entire effing world. So, as you are complaining about nausea, sore/huge boobs, indigestion, and all the things you cannot do, I'm literally sticking pins into the voodoo doll I've created for your ungrateful, growing ass. Please keep this in mind in future posts.

Also, when you use humor to try and make your symptoms funny, or add in "I'm pregnant and I want you to know it" digs into each status update, its actually worse than your blatent complaining posts. Keep that in mind. For example, when you say "note to pregnant self...." and go on to say something really stupid that I likely do even though I'm not pregnant, I actually picture my self bitch slapping you.

Thanks,
Me.

Letting the Dust Settle

It's been two days since our adoption fell apart. And, through spending time together, drinking wine, cooking meals and hitting up McDonalds (comfort food) we've done a lot of thinking, and praying.

I am so sad but then again, I am also grateful.
Grateful that this happened now, instead of after the baby was born.
Grateful that for the past two months we got to experience what it feels like to expect a baby. And, it was the most amazing feeling.

I know I'll get through this, I just have to feel it. If there is one thing I've learned over the past two years it's how to be strong, and move on with my life even when my heart hurts.

The heart ache of wanting to be a mommy is so painful, especially this time of year. Christmas decorations come out, parents are taking kids to pumpkin patches and picking out costumes all over Facebook. Two years ago I thought I was having my last holiday season without a baby, boy, was I wrong. So, here I am, bracing myself for (hopefully the last) one more Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas without a baby.

Breathe in, breathe out, right foot forward, than the left.

"Life isn't what it's supposed to be. It's what it is. It's how you cope with it that makes the difference."

Things Fall Apart

Holy shit, yes, they do.

Today, two hours before we were supposed to leave for the airport and catch our plane, we got a loooong text message on my phone:

Our birth mom has decided to keep her baby.

Her timing was horrid, and her mode of delivery even worse. But, ultimately, it is her choice. So, we cancelled our rent-a-car, hotel room and plane tickets. Luckily, we're only out the cost for one night at the hotel, and some of our ticket cost, and we now have vouchers to fly back to see my family for Christmas.

Yes, I'm reaching for silver lining here.

As of yesterday I had spoken with our birth mom twice this week, we had great chats, and had even planned a gender ultrasound for Saturday, to find out all together. But, apparently this morning something changed, or maybe it changed a while ago, and she didn't want to have to break our hearts.

Well, my heart is broken. I feel like I have lost our second baby. I am so devastated at how this journey to motherhood has gone so far, I cannot put it in to words.

If you pray, pray for me to be strong. Pray for me to some how pull together happiness for our friends who delivered a healthy baby boy today. Pray that someday soon my our baby will find their way home, because I cannot be strong like this forever.

Tomorrow!

It's finally here! We leave tomorrow for our trip to meet our birth mom. I am over-the-moon excited. I hope this weekend goes amazing. I hope we get to find out our baby's gender, and most importantly, I hope we can bond with our birth mom. I already adore her, and when I talked with her on the phone last night we were both absolutely giddy to hang out in the same room.

Thank you, God. You brought us here, and we are so grateful.

Now, let our dreams take flight (literally).

Here comes the Sun (I hope)

A very dear friend of mine sent this to me today.
She wrote, "I've heard this song three times today and it made me think of you."
I love her, she is the best friend anyone could ever ask for. And, here is what she sent.
I hope she is right.....

6 days!

In six days we leave to go and meet our birth mom, and her family. I am elated! And nervous! It's so funny, but it feels like a first date. I mean, what if she doesn't like me. Or us. Ok, I've offically re-entered 7th grade by making that comment. But, really. I mean, I'd be pretty darn critical if I was going to give someone my baby, my flesh and blood. And, those of you that know me know I'm a little nutty sometimes, sarcasm is my best friend, and humor a close second.

My husband keeps reminding me that I "get along with everyone." I kind of have to be personable, being a nurse and all, but still- I need HER to like me. Ahhhh pressure...pushin down on me....(sing 90's throwback song in your head here).

It's not as big of a deal as I'm making it sound, because we've spoken on the phone a lot, and texted even more, so it's not like I'm a stranger. But, there is something so real about sitting in a room with someone and getting to see their body language, demeanor, and here them talk.

I'm sort of sizing her and her family up to. I mean, once I meet them I'm hoping to gain some security that this really is going to happen. That they really are invested in this adoption. There are also a lot of topics that need to be covered over the next few months between us. For example, how open will this adoption be? What will happen at the hospital? Will we get together again before baby is born?

In "homestudy" news, we passed therapy. She'll be writing up and sending out her letter to the agency this week. My husband is taking his first aid class this afternoon, and we both got our cholesterol drawn last week. Yes, I just said cholesterol. You have to have a reasonable reading to adopt a child. And yes, I did whine and throw a fit about it to my doctor who reminded me that I was not being irrational. Because, one third of pregnant women out there wouldn't ace a cholesterol test.

Sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeesh!

Eeeek I'm so excited! C'mon Friday!
Disclaimer: yes I do realize this post is a little bi-polar. Sorry.

This Weeks Agenda

There is a lot going on in adoption paperwork land. And, this week is no exception.

Monday: Dr's appointment to sort out the parts of our physicals that weren't filled out initially. I have an appointment without my husband and I am hoping and praying he won't have to make one, too.

Tuesday: We get to go to therapy so a licensed therapist can ask us questions that have been given to her by our social worker. A therapist has to sign off that we are ... um, stable? I don't really know what word to use, but basically they have to say we're OK to adopt. Why? Because we both have one parent with substance abuse issues, we had a sudden death in our family last year, and we've struggled with infertility and a pregnancy loss. Jeez, when you bring up all that stuff maybe we are unfit! LOL.

Saturday: My husband takes First Aid. Something that I had to plead my case about, because they were trying to require that I take it too. Um, hello? I'm an RN, so I'm pretty sure I can do basic first aid. It was finally decided that my RN license would be adequate.

Also this week: my husband has to get a TB test, he just had one last February, even nurses only need one once a year, but in adoption world you have to of had one in the past six months (insert groan here). We also have to find a basic water rescue class. All adoptive parents in our state have to take one if their child will be swimming during the time before the adoption finalizes. So basically, if my baby is going to be in a body of water other than the bath tub we have to take this class. It's really no big deal except NO ONE is offering them because its fall. So, I put our name in at a place about 1.5 hrs from here, They need four more participants before they'll hold a class.

Busy, busy! We leave in 12 days to meet our birth mom and her family. I am so excited. I cannot wait to give her the biggest hug ever, and maybe feel our baby kick! Also, hopefully we'll be able to find out the sex.