Wednesday, December 12, 2012

Gripe- Searching for Peace

The girls birth certificates came last week, as I mentioned, and since I've gotten them I've been thinking to myself a lot about how adoption finalization does kind of erase their past. With my kids, they don't really have any memory of their birth mother, and at this point, they don't even mention their prior caregiver. With that being said, I don't bring these individuals up at all, they used to mention things about their prior caregiver, but never their birth mom.

Anyway, I've sort of been having this personal guilt trip about changing their names, and now changing their social security numbers, having my name on their birth certificates, etc. Like this woman that gave them the gift of life is just gone. And did that make me a bad person for feeling relieved? I almost felt in defense of her.

That is, until today, when I get an email stating she has bought the girls Christmas presents and wants them to have them. A whole new momma bear reaction stirred within me. How would I present the kids with these gifts? Who would I say they were from? Is it really my decision to withold the presents from the kids? In discussion with a few friends, someone said, "you could tell them that these are from their real mom." Of course, my friend didn't mean anything negative by this comment, but it brought my heart into my throat. Oh. I am not their "real" mom. Does she have a right, as the biological mother, to stay in their lives despite the series of events that lead them to me?

I think the most difficult thing for me is that I both love and despise their birth mom. I am jealous of her, but could never be like her. This woman carried my babies. But because of her poor choices, I now have my daughters. She had to fail for me to succeed. What a wonderfully horrible thing. It's so conflicting.

In the midst of dealing with all these thoughts and emotions, one of my best friends had her baby this week. And I am watching this beautiful process of giving birth after carrying this baby, who looks like her, who is hers, and how special that is for her and her family. I am so happy for them. But it brings me back to three short years ago (tomorrow will be to the day) that I was in the same hospital, having surgery to remove the only pregnancy I've been blessed to have. Three years, two kids, and a whole lot of perspective later, and I cannot sit here and write that I know everything is going to be OK.

I still don't know how i will rise above it if I am never to be someones "real" mother. If I never carry a baby, I don't know that I will ever be able to sit here and say, "it's OK."

Pregnancy surrounds me now more than ever, and I love that my friends, and coworkers get to experience such a blessing. But will I ever have my shot? And, if I don't get it, will there come a time where I can look into the mirror and say "it wasn't meant to be, it's OK"

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