Panic

Panic is a sudden sensation of fear which is so strong as to dominate or prevent reason and logical thinking, replacing it with overwhelming feelings of anxiety and frantic agitation consistent with an animalistic fight-or-flight reaction.

This week I had a panic attack.

I have had three of them in my life that I can remember.

1. After watching "Black Swan" while on my period due to too many doses of Midol
2. Three weeks ago in the grocery store with my older daughter when I was thinking what would happen to her if something happened to me when we were out and about. I got a pain in my chest, and there it started.
3. Thursday afternoon after talking with a friend about a big stressor in my life. The discussion made me realize someone I love may be in real danger, and so it began. This time the panic attack lasted over 30 minutes.

Why is this happening?

I have had my share of bad times, and lately, I'm pretty freaking humbled about my life. I have everything I have asked for. I am full of joy and love. To be honest though, this fulfillment is scary for me. I mean, what if everything falls apart again? I know what you are thinking "wow, she's a pessimist" but that isn't it. I'm just a super cautious person. I am a nurse, and I see lives of people turn upside down in an instant. It is true that some completely healthy twenty-something year-olds do develop serious illnesses. They even die from them.

I did just leave a job I was very comfortable in (my last day was yesterday) for a job that will be challenging but very rewarding. The unknown has never been a place I like to be, but I also believe that you've gotta take big risks to get big rewards.

It is the holidays, and in the midst of the fun, and happiness is the stress of accomplishing shopping, getting Christmas cards out, having to get on a plane with two kids next week (big stress) and a husband who has a phobia of flying (bigger stress). And, of course, the fact that my sister is in heaven and not here with my enjoying our family always lays heavy on my heart this time of year.

Stress. I know I have it, but it really bothers me that my body is reacting to it. I don't know what to do about it other than to be honest about it, write about it (hence this post) and work through it.

What does it feel like?

It usually starts with a visual disturbance. My vision feels darker and blurry. Then I sort of get an overwhelming feeling of fatigue, like I'm so tired I'm just going to pass out. Then the heart starts pounding, and my throat and chest are tingly/burning and I cannot catch my breath. All of this is coupled with pain in my chest and nausea. The first two times it happened I prayed to God for help, and deep breathed my way through it. But this last time, I happened to be driving, so thankfully my husband talked me through it. There was a point I was ready to pull over and call an ambulance, but I refrained.

After it happened, I was wiped out the rest of the night, and the next morning, my stomach was still in knots. I work at a hospital, so a friend hooked me up to a monitor just to help me rationalize that this is all in my head, and I'm not having a heart attack or something. My vitals and heart rhythm were fine (of course).

Now, two days later, I'm still not feeling completely normal, I think just because I am worried it'll happen again, and I won't be able to control it.

So, I'm working on doing a few different things to help me calm down and function without this happening again.

1. I have not been exercising much lately, this is something that I have always done, and helps me a lot with dress. So, I'm getting back into that---- tomorrow!
2. stretching
3. laying off caffeine
4. sleeping and resting a lot
5. writing in a journal, and talking to my husband about how I'm feeling.
6. deep breathing

If anyone has had this happen to them and has more ideas on how I can manage it, please let me know. I'm completely open to suggestions.

For now, I'm off work for two weeks, I have a great holiday planned, and I will be fine.
I will be fine.

Gripe- Searching for Peace

The girls birth certificates came last week, as I mentioned, and since I've gotten them I've been thinking to myself a lot about how adoption finalization does kind of erase their past. With my kids, they don't really have any memory of their birth mother, and at this point, they don't even mention their prior caregiver. With that being said, I don't bring these individuals up at all, they used to mention things about their prior caregiver, but never their birth mom.

Anyway, I've sort of been having this personal guilt trip about changing their names, and now changing their social security numbers, having my name on their birth certificates, etc. Like this woman that gave them the gift of life is just gone. And did that make me a bad person for feeling relieved? I almost felt in defense of her.

That is, until today, when I get an email stating she has bought the girls Christmas presents and wants them to have them. A whole new momma bear reaction stirred within me. How would I present the kids with these gifts? Who would I say they were from? Is it really my decision to withold the presents from the kids? In discussion with a few friends, someone said, "you could tell them that these are from their real mom." Of course, my friend didn't mean anything negative by this comment, but it brought my heart into my throat. Oh. I am not their "real" mom. Does she have a right, as the biological mother, to stay in their lives despite the series of events that lead them to me?

I think the most difficult thing for me is that I both love and despise their birth mom. I am jealous of her, but could never be like her. This woman carried my babies. But because of her poor choices, I now have my daughters. She had to fail for me to succeed. What a wonderfully horrible thing. It's so conflicting.

In the midst of dealing with all these thoughts and emotions, one of my best friends had her baby this week. And I am watching this beautiful process of giving birth after carrying this baby, who looks like her, who is hers, and how special that is for her and her family. I am so happy for them. But it brings me back to three short years ago (tomorrow will be to the day) that I was in the same hospital, having surgery to remove the only pregnancy I've been blessed to have. Three years, two kids, and a whole lot of perspective later, and I cannot sit here and write that I know everything is going to be OK.

I still don't know how i will rise above it if I am never to be someones "real" mother. If I never carry a baby, I don't know that I will ever be able to sit here and say, "it's OK."

Pregnancy surrounds me now more than ever, and I love that my friends, and coworkers get to experience such a blessing. But will I ever have my shot? And, if I don't get it, will there come a time where I can look into the mirror and say "it wasn't meant to be, it's OK"

Moving Forward

Again, I've turned into a blog slacker.

I just don't know what direction to take you in, little blog. Since I'm a mom and I haven't the slightest clue what the frick I'm doing as a parent, this sure as hell cannot be an advice blog.

I suppose it could be a "hey my kid did this so I did this" blog, and you can all read, laugh, and judge (but hopefully not report) me. Ha.

I'm not ready to even think about actively trying to have a baby. Though I do WANT another kid, preferably one made up of parts of me and my husband the idea of "TTC" aka Trying to Conceive, or paying any kind of specific attention to my cycle makes me have symptoms of PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder).

I don't know how I'll ever go back to that place. I have never prevented pregnancy since we left the realm of fertility treatments 17 months ago. But, I do not have much sex (thank you kids) and have just tried to not notice those weird small things like: cervical mucus. Early on I avoided my "fertile" time aka: watery and egg white cervical mucus. (If I'm speaking Dutch here go back about two years and you'll learn all about my fertility antics and research- which by the way did NOTHING for me).

Anyway....wow this post has gone array to a personal, akward place.

I did get an early Christmas present today: The girls new BIRTH CERTIFICATES came! They told us when we finalized the adoption (not even two months ago) that it would be six months at the earliest. So that's really exciting! The new birth certificates list their adopted names (we kept their first names but changed the spelling) gave them new middle names, one of them after my sister, the other after my grandma, and of course, our last name.

The best part? Under MOTHER it says ..... my name! And, under Father, my husbands. It's so weird, like we erased their past, and now it's like they were born to us.

Of course, they will know they grew in someone else's tummy. They will know age appropriately how we became a family.

I honestly still cannot believe we adopted two kids. We just (did a lot of paper work and stuff 1st) picked them up, brought them home, and kept them. It's crazy. Sometimes it still doesn't feel real. Well now these kids are pruning in the bathtub because I left them playing in there to write this....don't judge, I can see them.

Thanksgiving

I have heard it said over and over again since I was a little girl, "thanksgiving is a time to give thanks." For the first time in a long time, I gave thanks from the bottom of my heart. I am so blessed, and I am aware, humbled, and grateful.

What I am thankful for:

My kids: #1. I am so thankful for our daughters. They are so special, and they have the most beautiful hearts.
My health (and my family's health): Health is some thing we take for granted. Tomorrow isn't guaranteed. I am thankful that overall I take care of my body, I eat well, exercise (as much as I can), I don't smoke, I wear sunscreen....on and on and on.
My job: I love being a nurse. The job has turned me into an insightful, empathetic person. I cannot wait to get back to patient care in the next couple weeks.
My family: we have our moments, but overall, I love my family.
My friends: I have the best friends ever. They have dried my tears, and taken my words with a grain of salt when I was at my worst, they praise me for my accomplishments, and they laugh with me when I'm at my best. I hope I am as good to my friends as they are for me.
My marriage: My husband is my best friend. We have so much fun together, yet, he is my lover. Even after all these years.
My home: its quaint, but it's all we need. It's cozy, and relaxing.

We are warm, we are fed, we have clothes on our backs and extra money to go out to dinner.

Thankful doesn't even feel like an adequate word for the fullness and warmth that fills my heart. I pray, and give thanks to God every morning before my feet hit the floor, and every night before I go to bed.

I cannot wait for Christmas. We already have our tree up, and watching their faces as they looked over our collection of Christmas decorations was amazing. They have no idea what they're in for this Christmas.

Another Trip to the ER

My older daughter has been on a roll lately.

A couple weeks ago my husband and I went out for our first date night in months. It was our first since we've had the girls. We left them with a responsible teenage babysitter. She only had to entertain them for two hours before bedtime. During that time they played lots of games and according to her were very good. So, we got home, and "A" (our older daughter) was still awake in her bed. I was thinking that she must of really missed us so she stayed up to say goodnight. Not the case.

I went into the bathroom to wash my face, and as I was washing, those little Hi-Ho Cherry-O game pieces started floating up the drain. By the time I'd rinsed, I'd collect 10 of them. Yep. My kid put those down the sink for who knows what reason. To be a menace, honestly. Our older daughter will try anything to see if she can get away with it. She has painted our kitchen with honey, sprayed orange juice on the ceiling, the list goes on.

Anyway, she and my husband took the sink apart and we made her stick her hand in the gooey drain and get the 15 lodged pieces out. Case closed. Mommy and daddy mad!
So yesterday started as any ordinary day. On Friday's I go to work early, and leave by about 1pm. This is my one afternoon a week where I go home and have the afternoon to myself, in an empty quiet house. Yesterday turned out quite differently....

I was packing up my stuff to leave work when preschool called. "A" was laying down on her cot, and she stuck a bean in her ear. Yes, a bean. Non-cooked pinto to be specific. So, my blissful Friday afternoon quickly ended. I had to drive 25 miles from work to daycare to pick her up, and then 25 miles back up to the emergency room, because of course it was Friday afternoon and our pediatricians office was closed.

When I got to daycare I was so mad at her I was shaking. I could see the bean, so I actually tried turning her head to one side to shake it out in the parking lot. It didn't work. Dammit. So off to the ER we went. They got it out no problem. We got back to daycare at about 3:30pm and I wanted to leave her there and have an hour to myself, but I felt guilty so we collected her sister and went home.
Is she traumatized? No. I wish she was so she wouldn't do it again.

I just don't know what's next with this girl.

She better not turn into one of those weirdo adults that heads to the ER because she "fell" on a gerbil.

Sheesh.

When your #1 job is mommy

I work 5 days a week. I don't clock in and out, and I don't accrue overtime. With that being said, I have tried since having the girls to go in at 6:00 in the morning to be off by 2:30 (8hr day) which is my requirement, 5 eight hour days. But, lets face it, it never happens that way. My days are constantly longer, and I am the sole person who does my job, so at the end of the day, the work and needs are left for me to finish tomorrow. I sometimes get calls in the evening, on the weekends, and emails all the time. Maybe if I were less of a controlling perfectionist, I could manage all this without feeling guilty at work because all I want is to go home to my kids, and worse, feeling guilty at home after work because I just want to put kids to bed and relax. That coupled with the fact that I am a nurse, but my current position is more staff focused than patient focused has lead me to the following decision: I am going back to "the floor." Meaning I am going back to patient care.

I haven't made this decision lightly, I've been mulling over it for months. But, in my heart I know it's what's right, and what's best for me and my new little family. I will work longer days, but less days (3- 12 hour shifts a week).

This past week I landed the job that I wanted. I was very fortunate to be selected for the position which I applied. I am humbled at the opportunity. It is bittersweet, as I am leaving a job that I do like a lot. If the timing were different, I would stay. The team I work with is amazing, many of them have become friends. I hope to maintain those friendships.

But, it's time to move on. I am going to learn a lot on this new journey. I am going to be home more. And, when I leave work at night, someone else takes over for me. I will have four days off a week (YAY) where I can be with the girls, help in A's classroom next year when she goes to kindergarten, and get more done around the house.

Yes, this is the best decision. I hope everyone can understand.

I love my life, by the way, love it.

Settling In

We've been a forever family for a week. I wish I could sit here and tell you, "oh it's just a document, we've been a family since the girls came home" but I'd be lying. It wasn't love at first sight, and we weren't a family right away. It really did take time. There were moments when I didn't know if I could handle having the girls stay. They definitely both went through some major limit setting. But, somehow it's different now.

I know, for sure, I've fallen in love with these kids just as if they grew inside me. I think a lot of what kept me from bonding immediately was the fear I had. I had fear they'd go back to their birth family, fear that they would be affected by their prior life, fear they weren't normal kids, fear that they wouldn't be accepted by my family and friends. But as time went on, and they showed their true good hearted selves day in and day out, met and won over every family member and friend they met, they sat next to me on the couch every night and wiggled their way into my heart.

It's not hearts and flowers raising kids. Especially when they don't know you very well. It's difficult, and quite frankly, some days you get up and wonder what the frick you've signed up for. But, I do know that most days I wake up with so much joy in my heart it feels like it could burst.

Now we're heading into halloween next week, our first with kiddos! And Christmas soon. I cannot wait for the holidays this year.

But for now, I am just sitting here, grin on my face at 7:33am on a Saturday with a kid on each side and I'm writing this: I would do it all again if I knew it would end up this way. All of it. Without a second thought.

Done!

We finalized on Friday. It ended up being us, the girls, my mom, aunt, uncle, my husbands dad, brother, his son and girlfriend. It was a great day. The judge was amazing, she let us take lots of pictures and said as we walked in, "this isn't a court hearing, it's a celebration."

The social workers loved their coffee mugs. I was so grateful that they both made it to our special day.

No refunds, no returns, no exchanges....we are forever a family of four.

I love this life. Twists, turns, ups, downs, losses, gains, it all works out. Now for the next chapter.....the social worker from our agency said she'd see us in February for round two.

Hmm....

Word Finding

As promised, I'm writing to tell you that I am stumped.

How do I write a thank you card for the social workers?

I have honestly thought of not writing one at all. They do this all the time, and the mugs speak for themselves. Normally, I'm all about sentiment, but this one is too big for me. These women have found many children their forever families, and I'm sure (or I hope) every family has done something special. The truth is though, I'm so happy and content with my life that I (for once) don't feel like I need to "out do" anyone else.

My husband says I'm over analyzing it. Shocker. That a simple Thank You card is enough. I thought about just writing "for everything" and leaving it at that.

I honestly don't know what to do, and I'm running out of time.

Our adoption court hearing takes place at 1:30pm on Friday.

Then a friend of mine is throwing us a fall dessert open house on Saturday afternoon.

It's <finally> here.

Two Weeks Until FOREVER

Two weeks from today we'll be a forever family.

I cannot believe the day is almost here. In hindsight it has come very quickly, it was about this time a year ago that our journey changed from planning on a newborn through our birth mom match to fos-adoption. I wouldn't change the fork in the road that lead us here.

It took a long time for me to decide how to thank our social workers. How do you thank your "stork?" These two women found us our children, and found our children us. If that sounds really confusing...let me explain: my husband and I have a social worker through our agency. She took us through the homestudy process, wrote our homestudy, and put our names out there. Our daughters also have a social worker, she has been working with them since "A" first came into care at 3 months old. She's seen the girls through many challenges, and finally, she found them us. It's a pretty amazing thing these two women have done, I will never be able to explain to them how they've filled my heart with joy and love.

A gift card seemed impersonal for what they've given us. I will write them a looooong thank you card (probably another post), but along with that I wanted to give them something special, something to remember our little family. So, a (brave) friend of mine and I took the girls to a "paint your own pottery" place and we let the girls make them mugs. They painted their favorite colors all over the cup, and when we were finished the staff helped us write a message...

I hope they enjoy them!

Two weeks!!!

Family Life (stress)

It's been a crazy weekend in our house. We are all finally getting healthy again after being sick for the past couple weeks. First both kids, then I got it, then my husband. And, now that I've finished my course of antibiotics and my husband is almost done with his, we were ready to start feeling better. That is, until our 4 year-old woke up with a cough this morning. I thought my husband was going to come unglued. He also caught the cold before the last cold 6 weeks ago (which I did not) which brings our family span of illness up to a total of six weeks.....and (now) counting. "A" will NOT keep her hands out of her mouth, and this week she is doing a new "tongue 1/2 out of her mouth" on occassion trick. The things these kids pick up, honestly.

So, I am home with her this morning, missing my husbands families breakfast. The other kid went with dad and "A" and I are home. Sigh. I also have a big work party to go to this afternoon, and will probably leave her home and take "J." It makes me feel so bad. But, I don't think its proper party-going etiquette to take your petri dish of a kid along.

My husband and I also disagree on what to do with a sick kid. I was always put on the couch with a blanket, kleenex, and forced liquid, so this is my parenting style. He was put in his room. I just don't think with all the bonding that happening around here it's best to put her in her room and ignore her while she heals, maybe I'm wrong.

In the midst of all this, I am reading a hilarious and accurate book about mothering toddler/preschoolers. It's called "Naptime is the new Happy Hour" by Stephanie Wilder-Taylor. This chick is hilarious, and her motherhood stories are spot on with how I feel!

This morning, while I was feeling defeated as a mother because my kid is sick AGAIN, and my husband is mad at the sick kid for being sick (lost cause, my love) and the sick kid is upset about missing the family breakfast ... I was reading my book. Silver lining of having a sick kid, she and I are the only ones home, and she is in a Disney jr. cartoon trance, so the house is completely quiet. Anyway, I'm reading my book, and I come across the chapter on "Stress."

Here is an excerpt that it so blatently true, I laughed out loud for a good 3 minutes:
"The commercial for prenatals could show an extraordinary loving family blissfully frolicking on the beach, while a soothing voice over quickly rattles off the side effects, hoping you won't notice, 'having children may result in insomnia, hypersensitivity, fatigue, constant complaining, gingivitis, difficulty concentrating, irritability, pre-mature graying, disinterest in sex, a filthy living room, uncontrollable urges to binge on salt and vinegar chips, mysterious weight gain, a tendency to forget your own phone number, an unhealthy obsession with germs, increased chance of financial ruin, confusion, and psychosis'."

So, so, so true. And what's not in there, it will cause you and your spouse to fight about the most ridiculous things.

Wait, I volunarily sighed up for this?

Time

I feel like I need/want to address some of the things in my life that have been effected by having two kids. Overnight.

One of the biggest is time.

I have no time for anything. Weeks slip through my fingers without notice from me or my new little family. A friend of mine got married yesterday, and I was actually IN her wedding. I've known this since June but I managed to do all of the following even with this kind of notice:
I ordered my dyeable shoes two weeks ago, they weren't even ready until last Tuesday.
I didn't try on my dress until three days before the wedding to make sure it fit. Ok two, it was two days.
I barely helped with any pre-wedding errands, I offered, sporatically, thank gosh she was a laid back bride.
How it would have been pre-mommyhood: I would have tried on my dress right after I got it home, and probably every couple weeks. I would have made sure I had a bra I could wear with it, with plenty of time to spare. The shoes would of been ordered after much consideration from many online sites. I would have been involved in the wedding prep.

Between working full time, the kids, my husband, and maintaining some type of clean house. There is time for little else. I barely get three work-out's per week, sometimes it's none, lets be honest.
I grocery shop after work before I pick up kids from day care. I don't read books anymore. I don't have those Saturday breakfasts followed by walks in the park and shopping with my friends. In fact, I don't got out with my friends much at all.

I knew it would be this way, but I feel bad. I feel like I'm torn between the girls, and being a good friend. I don't have time to call friends, or make dates with them. I mean, I could bring the kids cause they are pretty good out and about, but why should I subject friends to the kids on their relaxing day off? There is not etiquette or rule book for this, I've looked.

In time I'll find the balance, all moms do. But for now I feel more disorganized, rushed, stressed, and tired than I ever have before. Guess what though, I love it.

The Court Date

10.19.12 we will become a forever family.

I am relieved we have the date, though I think it's a little far away, since we were originally told the end of September. But, there is nothing I can do about that.

We have made it to the end.

We have children.

We are a family.

Holy shit.

Now I'm off to figure out how to celebrate this day, and these beautiful little girls.

Still Waiting

We mailed the packet (no, I didn't get crazy and drive it down after all- shocking I know) on Tuesday of next week. My husband was at the post office when it opened, and mailed it overnight, with a delivery signature. The office got the paper work Wednesday at about noon. By Friday, I was getting giddy, so I texted my social worker, nothing yet. Grr. She said she would text me once she got the paper work, and assured me she would take it to the court house and get our date ASAP.

I didn't hear from her today, so I'm pretty sure my mom won't get to be here when we finalize. I know it's not a big deal, but it would have been awesome for her to share it with us. Hopefully we will still get a date by the end of this week. It's really tough not knowing for work too, because I commit to things like meetings and such, and at the drop of a hat I could have to change my schedule. Everyone will be super understanding, as they have all been through this entire process, but I still feel bad.

In other news, my initial problem child is now an angel, and now the younger one is turning into a real challenge. She is not as blatent with her misbehavior but she is sassy! Holy crap!

and....

I'm totally effed. Seriously.

Another Waiting Game

We have finished the adoption placement paperwork, and our social worker did her last visit. The next step is to sign the court documents (these have to come AFTER the placement paperwork) and send them in.

Our agency has been trying to meet my deadline of a finalization date on Sept. 13th or 14th. My mom is going to be in town (she lives 2000 miles away) on those dates so I would love for her to be there. But, my social worker, who is generally a smart woman, could not figure out how to print the court docs on her printer, because they have to be two sided. Seriously? I mean, you print one side, re-feed the paper, and then print the other. It's neither here-nor-there at this point. We (FINALLY) got the hard copy documents yesterday, yep, Saturday of a holiday weekend. We filled them out last night, and they are all ready to send back 1st thing Tuesday morning. Honestly, I wanted to barge the 2.5hr drive to hand deliver them into the mail slot today or tomorrow, but my husband gently told me that I was being a nut case and needed to have some patience.

So what's left:
1. Court doc's to our agencies main office.
2. Main office completes court packet and sends to our agency branch to our social worker.
3. Our social worker takes docs to court house and obtains court date.
4. Court date happens and the girls are ours forever! Yay!

With snail mail involved in two of these steps, I'll probably be at the end of September. I know the court date is merely a technicality, but I want it to happen. It's a very special day, and it's been a long time coming.

The crazy thing is, our timeline from placement with the girls to the court date will be minimal compared to most. Many other families have to be in the "foster care stage" for a couple years while parental rights are addressed, etc. We are quite fortunate.

We are thinking about having a post adoption party for family and friends. If we do, I think the girls should wear these...

Finalization

The time is (FINALLY) almost here. Today we signed our adoption placement paperwork. The is the time between when the girls are "foster kids" and the adoption being final. The paperwork for their new legal names is being processed, and everything is falling into place.

We are almost a forever family.

We have one more social worker visit (the post adoptive placement visit) on Wednesday. Then we wait for our court date. We should finalize in the middle to end of September. I cannot believe it. I know at this point their "ours" but I can't wait until its official.

"If we only knew that the future holds, after a hurricaine comes a rainbow."

Sigh.

Zippity Doo Dah

We spent the last three days having the time of our lives.

This is the good stuff.

The girls met Mickey, Minnie, Donald, Goofy, many princesses, Briar Fox, and more that I'm forgetting. There is nothing (and I mean nothing) more heart warming then watching your kids experience Disneyland for the first time.

When we walked through the gates at 8am and the characters and staff were lining the sidewalks of Main Street USA there were tears in my eyes as I saw the wonder in the girls.

Everything was exciting, everything was fun, it was magical!

On our second day there we did the character breakfast, and it was worth every penny. Watching "A" giggle with her tongue hanging out of her mouth as Minnie talked with her was embarrassing, but funny. She didn't know what to do. The kid was so excited she couldn't contain herself.

Joy is what I hope to bring my kids. Lessons, integrity, honesty, love, yes....but joy, joy is the jelly in the doughnut of parenting!

Okay that was cheesy, but I've had a Disney week so I'm in a cheesy mood!

Kidisms

Let me fill you in on some of the crazy things my kids say and do:

We were driving in the car after a morning of me going head to head with J, our three year old. She has a very sassy mouth, and I had enough that day. As the music played, the song "I'm sexy and I know it" came on. Instead of singing the lyrics correctly, my four year old, A started singing "she's sassy and she knows it da da da duh, da da da." Well said, little one.

I paint the girls nails once a week, usually on Saturday night. What a different Saturday night then I used to have, LOL. Now they're in to getting a nail tattoo on one nail. Last week, A chose to put a flower tattoo on her two middle fingers. I put them on. For the rest of the night she ran around the house double flipping me off showing off her tattoos. Oops.

I was making dinner the other night, and things got quiet in the dining area next to my kitchen. I saw that J was reaching for dads arnette sunglasses. I said to her, "you know you aren't supposed to touch daddys sunglasses." She responded, "how do you know I was touching them?" I told her the usual mom answer, "I have eyes in the back of my head." Without missing a beat, she got the last word by saying, "well that's not good."

Kids are so damn funny.

Reality

Yes, yes, I know I don't post often enough, I have probably lost most or all of my readers, but here I am, attempting to re-light my writing torch (thank you olympics for this sentence) and move forward with this blog.

There are a few things I'd like to say to catch everyone up with my life since its been awhile, I'll bullet point them for times sake.

• Being a mom is effing tough. It requires a great deal of patience, repetition, love, strength and creativity.
• And an open mind, a very open mind and flexibility.
• I'm CERTAIN there is a reason why when babies are born all they do is eat, cry, sleep and poop. If they talked back, tested limits, and made messes, post partem depression would be post partem psychosis.
• I love my kids. I cry watching them sleep. I'm falling in love again, and this time it's with a three and four year old.
• Husbands DO NOT multi task. If you leave them home all day and their job is to be Mr. Mom, they will care for the kids. That's it. No dishes, dusting, cleaning, cooking, or watering. Period.
• We have our last social worker visit next week (praise God) and we sign adoption papers at the end of the month. We will finalize our adoption no later than mid-October. 
• I still want to be pregnant.

Yes, I really just wrote that. It's funny, so many people think that now that I have two kids all my infertility woes, or feels of envy toward pregnancy have vanished. Maybe I'm a horrible person to admit it, maybe I'm selfish, but it's the truth. I still want to have a biological child. I cannot help but feel like I missed a large and important part of the girls lives. Maybe some of us just have a maternal instinct, a primal need to carry a child. Whatever it is, I still feel it. Though, it is numbed. I don't feel angry and jealous toward the preggo's. I feel more envious. I have reached a place where I can be happy for them, but still feel a little sad for me.

I'm honestly shocked that having two kids hasn't overwhelmed me to the point that I don't want anymore. I definitely do. Because as challenging as some moments are, the good moments, the moments where my kids scream and jump up and down when I come in the house, when they want to sit right next to me, when they give kisses and say adorable loving things, those make everything else worth it.

I guess time will tell...

Already July

OK, apparently mom's of two preschoolers who work full-time only post once a month. Sorry! Thanks for checking in, even though I'm a slacker.

In six weeks we will sign our petition to adopt paperwork, and then within 45 more days, we should have a court date to finalize. Thank you God. I never realized how taxing all the post placement visits would be. I am sure I've written about it before, but to recap: our social worker from our adoption agency has to come to the house twice a month. In addition, the girls social worker comes once a month. Usually one visit they do together, so that means a visit by a social worker every two weeks. This wasn't as tough to manage when I was on my leave of absence from work, but now that I'm working again, it's much more difficult. Both social workers drive from over an hour away, so they like to come to the house at 11am, and I work 30 minutes from here. So, I either have to work late into the evening, or go in extremely early to get my job done and put in my eight hours. Not that I'm complaining, at least I have a job that allows me to do this most of the time.

The most difficult thing about the visits is the insecure feeling that you are parenting figuring out how to parent your children and then there are these people over you watching very closely. It's not that we're doing anything wrong intentionally, it's that we are (at the end of the day) new parents. We yell, we under react, we over react, we say the wrong thing. They should call it "practicing parenting" and to make it even more fun, what works for one doesn't usually work for the other. Dammit!

All in all, life is amazing. The girls are happy and thriving. I don't know whether to be happy or sad or both about the fact that they don't mention their life before here. I think at this age memory fades. Occasionally our four year-old will come out with something totally random. But, for the most part they don't bring up their "before us" life. Not that I don't want them to. I realize that adoption has both a happy and sad side. Just as my husband and I struggled before we met the girls, the girls struggled before they met us. Before our joy of becoming a family, there was profound sadness. One day, we will have to share with them their story, and I pray every day for the wisdom to know how to do that.

We've learned that 90% of what we said we'd never do or say to our kids (because our parents did it to us) we have done. Another Dammit! I was venting to a fellow mommy the other day, and she said to me, "no offense, but the people who think that way don't have kids and they just don't know." Such a true statement, though not one I ever realized til now.

I've gone from desperately wanting to live in the land of parenthood to occasionally wanting to take a dingy to a far away island. Let's be honest, as much as it is a blessing, parenting is dang hard. My kids are both testing limits daily, and they've got sassy mouths to boot!

I  think the most amazing thing is that if you multiply the things we've taught the girls by 10, you'll get how many things they've taught us.

How crazy is that?

There is always another side to the cardboard.

I have not always been a religious person. But since my sister died suddenly almost two years ago. I've developed a relationship with God. Days after she died, I was spiteful. I was angry. I even threw a bible across a room and screamed out my disbelief. I have questioned God, I have yelled at God, I have even actively spoken out against him. But today, I can tell you, He is there.

God walked with me through the darkest hours of my life. He stood by me when I slaughtered him with my words and choices. He has never given up on me.

When the girls came home they asked to go to church. This was something they did at their prior home every Sunday. And I started to think about how important it could be for them to have a relationship with God from the beginning. How would I have coped through those confusing high-school years, through fighting with my parents, through difficult decisions if I had known Him? In addition to these usual coming of age struggles, my children will eventually learn of, and struggle to come to peace with how they entered this world, and the events that happened in their early years. There is profound sadness with each adoption story. Adoption is something beautiful that comes out of (in some cases) something very sad. On the other side of the the love of adoption, there is a great loss, too.

When my girls learn their story, perhaps knowing God, and raising them with faith will help them raise up, and grieve the loss that they've endured. We've continued to go to church every Sunday. I can honestly say that now I look forward to it. It helps build me up for the week ahead. It gives me some words of wisdom. Plus, I get to sing loud which I love....ha!

Church is very emotional for me. I feel sad and guilty that I've treated God the way I have in the past. But I also still struggle with the idea that if I "let go and let God" take control, I'm saying that all the horrible things that have happened in my life are OK.

A couple of weeks ago a video was played that touched my heart. But the end of it I was sobbing so hard I had to leave the worship hall. I would like to share it with you now. Get some tissues, it will make you cry.

Before I end this post, I want you all to know, that I don't ever want to appear to "push" religion on anyone in my posts. I realize that this is my choice, and it doesn't have to be everyones.

Cardboard Testimonies

My cardboard would say, "I lost a baby, my sister, and my golden heart. I was selfish and hopeless"
The other side:
"God stood by me, and made me the mommy of two little angels by adoption."

Back from my LOA

Sorry! I know there have been no updates for almost three weeks. I had to go back to work and have quickly learned that kids + husband + house + full time job = exhaustion and super busy mommy.

The girls are doing well, they're definitely comfortable in our home, with our family, and are continuing to blossom into bright, sassy, limit testing, little ladies. I am honestly at a loss for words when trying to describe how our lives have changed to anyone.

In the words of Clark W. Griswold, "If I woke up tomorrow with my head sewn to the carpet I wouldn't be as suprised in shock as I am right now." It's true. Right now I'm at my kitchen table looking into my backyard and somehow there are two little girls running around in pink bikini's, there's a trampoline, sandbox, and play house. And let's not forget the pink cadillac escalade.

WHAT THE FRICK IS GOING ON?!

Oh that's right....we have two kids, they are preschoolers, and it happened so fast! I remember a time when I constantly whined at how long it was all taking. I was trying to embrace every girls night out, every Saturday morning I spent with my DVR, and every moment of my husband. For the most part I drank these moments up, and thank goodness, because so much of this is now just a memory.

The girls operate on an 80/20 agenda. 80 percent of the time they are amazing. I look at them and feel so much love, and hope for the future. I want to give them everything. The other 20 percent of the time, they are little heathens and I am pretty sure they were sent here to pinch my every nerve. I have yelled. I have said childish things back to them. I have grabbed them by their arms (ugh I HATED when my mom did that to me). I am a new mom. I am learning, my husband and I both are. I realize that the girls are also learning what it's like to be consistently disciplined and have set rules, and most of all, have a family, a mommy and daddy.

There are moments that I think I'm crazy for signing up for this. There are moments when I am pushed to the brink of my patience and I wonder how I'll make it another moment. But I always do. There are also moments where I think my heart is just simply going to burst because of all the love I have for my family. Moments when my heart breaks as I'm pulling out of the garage knowing that a whole day will go by before I get to snuggle them, or hear their laughs again.

I was talking to a friend recently and she was giving me a hard time about not keeping up on my blog. I told her that it is definitely a time constraint. But, it's also a tightrope of what to post. I will not lie and say this is a fairytale and every moment is bliss. It's not true and I'm not going to make other mommies feel like crap by my delusions. I also don't want to appear ungrateful. I begged for motherhood, and now that I'm here, I do feel guilty when I have a hard day and complain to my husband, or anyone.

The bottom line is, yes I am so grateful, and so in love. But motherhood is no joke. It's hard. I have NEVER been a patient person, but now, patience is my frenemy, and we're learning to work together.

Mother's Day, Finally

Tomorrow is Mother's Day, and for the first time, I will be celebrated as a mother, too.

How amazing. How blessed I am to be here, living my life, just as it always was, but with two precious little girls. Thank you God.

I cannot help but be in a place of reflection tonight. Of all that I had to endure, and all that I got to experience on this journey to motherhood. In hindsight it's all nothing short of a miraculous journey. It was all meant to be really, but going through it was grueling. I was actually getting out all my spring and summer tops and dresses, and noticing how much of what I own is black and grey. How much of my nail polish is dark. Until a few months ago, I had no light. I had been stripped of my shining soul and in it's place was a dark hole. But now, I feel like I'm in a forest surrounded by tall trees, and the light is shining down through the branches onto me. I am renewed. My spirit is found.

When we started trying to have a baby in July 2009, our first daughter was already born. In December of 2009, when I lost our first biological child, our daughters birth mother was nine months pregnant with our youngest. She gave birth three weeks later. That first mother's day since I had decided to be a mother was horrible. I didn't get out of bed. I grieved the loss of my baby, but little did I know my daughters were already here.

I was a mother to my biological child for eight weeks. Unfortunately she never found her way to my uterus.

Last summer, (August 2011) I became a mother for the second time. A teenage girl was carrying a baby she intended to allow my husband and I to parent. I got to be that baby's mommy until she was twenty weeks gestation. I was "expecting" her for 11 weeks. If I hadn't of been her mommy during that time, she would have been aborted. This young lady got the chance to be a mom because of my husband and I. What an amazing gift to give to her. I gave her the gift of motherhood. Though my own womb was empty, and I was deeply saddened when she changed her mind, I knew in my heart I had been "used" (for lack of a better word) for something great.

Then on February 24, 2012 I became a mommy for the third time. Two little girls were looking for a family, and they found one.

Tears pour down my face as I reminisc of all that has been. All months of trying for a baby, all the months of feeling more emptiness than I'd ever imagined, all led me here. My life is changed. I understand the perils of infertility and loss, the uncertainty of adoption, and knowing that I want more children at some point, I'm still afraid. But it's not up to me, it's truly God's will. He will take care of me, of my family, of my life.

But yes my friends, this year, I'm a mommy.

Lastly, I'd like to say HAPPY MOTHERS DAY to all of you other mommy's out there. What an amazing job, huh? And to everyone reading this that wants to be a mommy but isn't ready yet, hasn't found a partner yet, or hasn't conceived despite trying. I'm here to tell you (as much as you want to punch me in the face for saying it- I know I always did when people said to me but.....) your day will come. It might not be when or what you are expecting now, but it will be. I promise.

Transitions

Hello from mommy of two land. Today was a special day for the girls, it was their first day of preschool. I began looking and daycare/preschool options about a month ago knowing that my return to work was looming in the not so distant future. I literally checked out every preschool in my town. I price compared, went back and forth, and finally made a choice. I chose a childcare "center" rather than in home daycare because I feel like having an entire building devoted to kid play was important. I also think there are lots of distractions when working from home, like phone calls, cleaning the bathroom- things I get wrapped up in instead of playing with the kids. I chose a preschool very close to our house, it's actually just behind our backyard. This is convienent and helped a lot with the girls peace of mind because they can stand at our back fence and see the kids playing outside.

This preschool is structured, has a curriculum and play times, and has many different activities as the seasons change. I love the teachers, and they were very open to and knowledgeable about kids who are being adopted. Win win.

I was nervous to drop the girls off this morning, as this day marks the beginning of a lot of change for them, and I pray their little brains and hearts can embrace it without much fear. When I dropped them off, I'd planned on staying, but they went right into playing with other kids, so I kissed them goodbye- mind you they didn't kiss or hug back- and left. I was more upset than they were, clearly.

This is a relief but it also makes me sad. The reason this is so easy for them isn't because I'm the luckiest mommy in the world. I wish. It's because these little girls have lived through a lot of transition, and they are used to being put in the new place, and having to make the best of it. They are independant beause they've had to be. Knowing this truth breaks my heart. I know somewhere inside, they're both grieving the homes they've lost, the caregivers they've lost, and the friends they made and had to leave behind. Even when they are laughing and giggling for hours on end, I know the pain is in there, somewhere.

When they first came to me our four year-old would talk about her prior two homes and say that she "never wants to go back to ______'s house." I know this is her defense mechanism, as these home's weren't bad places. But if she makes herself believe they were, then the loss is easier to handle. I get it.

All I can do everyday is pray that God can give them the tools and support they need to grieve their losses, and be able to embrace their new life. All I can do is rock them to sleep when they've had an emotional day, and show them my love for them is real, and endless. I pray that the girls can see our hearts are true, and we are committed to being their parents, forever.

I said earlier that there is a lot of change happening. They are going to preschool two mornings a week, and will continue their gymnastics class twice a week. This gives them something to do everyday Monday-Thursday. I go back to work two weeks from today (cringe), so they will be home with dad when they are not at preschool. I hope to be home in the mid afternoon as much as I can (I can go into work early to allow for this) but it just depends on if I have meetings, etc.

It's going to be a big struggle for me to hand the reins over to my husband. I am a complete control freak and have the girls on a strict schedule. I believe this schedule is what manages their anxiety about being in another new home, and hope he can be open minded to keeping his schedule the same for a while.

Throught it all I will breathe, and pray.

Well Said...Enough Said

I cannot summarize how life has changed any better than this blogging mama:
Read and enjoy!
http://thefrozenmoon.com/2012/04/11/a-perfect-mess/

Don't Drink and Clean up Bath Toys

It was Sunday night, and we'd had a great sunny day here. We had been playing outside, working in the yard, and washing cars. Something hits me when the sun comes out, and I feel giddy. But when the sun is shining I always want some country music playing loud on the stereo, and a cocktail in my hand...

My at home bar is not well stocked, I never remember to pick up alcohol and mixers when at the grocery store. This is probably because I've got two impatient kids in the cart yearning to go play. So, on this day, as we started to barbeque dinner, I assessed my options: vodka, wine, and an array of soda or juice. Hmmmm. Vodka and ginger ale sounded fantastic. I poured myself a double and drank away.

By the girls bathtime I was tipsy. I don't drink often so I've become a light weight. They bathed, and I sat and sipped the remainder of my beverage. What a great day.

When the girls got out of the tub, my 3 year-old had to pee. So she naturally tracked water all over the bathroom floor while walking her sopping wet self to the toilet. I came along later, dried them off, and while they got their jammies on I went on my nightly mission to fish the bath toys out of the tub. We have a Boon frog, which I absolutely love. If you have kids that take baths with toys you need one of these. It's a storage system that looks like a frog, and the storage "bin" comes off and acts as a scoop, so you can scoop up toys floating in water.

So full picture: tipsy mom, wet bathroom floor, bathtub full of water and toys. I grabbed my scoop and reached to get the toys.....of course you know what happened next: my ass fell in. Fully clothed, hit my leg, flipped over, and landed on my bootylicious (not fat, bootylicious) ass into the soapy toy filled bath water.

I called for my husband, cause I couldn't get up from the position I was in. He comes in, points, laughs, goes and gets the kids and the video camera and comes back to laugh some more. Finally he helped me out.

Don't drink and pick up bath toys. Your family will laugh at you, they will record it, and you will have a HUGE bruise on your right thigh. Seriously, my leg actually throbs right now due to this bruise.

Bath tub: 1, Mom: 0.

If you are interested in the Boon frog, here's a link: http://www.toysrus.com/product/index.jsp?productId=2404626&prodFindSrc=search

Illness

So...here's a gem of information that I did not know. When kids get sick, they go down FAST and scare the crap out of you.

Good to know. Where the hell was that nugget of advice in the FOUR parenting books I read? Nowhere.

So yesterday, my 4 year-old woke up after having a nagging cough all night. No big deal. By mid morning, her cough was annoying me, quite honestly, and she wasn't her usual sassy rambunctious self. It was nice that all she wanted to do was lay around, but I knew it wasn't normal. I called her pediatrician, told his nurse the story, and she gave me a prescription for cough medicine with codeine for her to take a night. Thanks lady, you're a saint. Because I didn't sleep AT ALL the night before due to the coughing, and neither had my daughter.

As the day went on she was OK, but after nap she starting really not feeling well, I don't think. The girls go to gymnastics on Wednesday afternoons, I told her she should stay home with dad while her sister and I went, that didn't go over well. So we all went to gymnastics, where she huffed and puffed through it, I thought- greeeat, my kids going to go into respiratory arrest for all to see. Nice. But it wasn't like I was going to pull her out mid class, she would throw a fit which would be loud AND embarrassing.

After dinner, which she did not eat a bite of, she really started breathing hard. Like, if she were an adult patient at work, I'd be calling for some serious help. Her little belly was puffing out with each breath and she was working harder than usual to breathe. I know the symptoms of pediatric respiratory distress thanks to my very good nursing school memory...and she didn't have any. But, it was getting later....and I wasn't about to hit the ER at 2am so I called my experienced mommy friend and made her listen to my peanut breathe through the phone....she calmed me down and said to do what I'd been doing and wait it out.

So, last night, I gave her the robitussin with codeine, put a humidifer in her room, vicks rubbed her chest and propped her up on two pillows. She did fine, and slept all night. I did not. I woke up every hour to check on her, make sure she was still breathing, etc, etc. Over reactive mother syndrome. I never knew I'd worry like this but .... shocking.... here we are.

This morning she is doing much better, and I have quietly given myself the "your a good mommy" award for my efforts.

Jeez, kids can really affect your sleep, even when they're snoring away!

Parenting

Hi everyone, I know I've been lacking on my posts, but I cannot believe how busy I am. I never knew that being a stay-at-home mom was such a crazy job. And challenging. The days fly by, and I can't even get my own to-do list done for the day. I'm managing to keep the house fairly clean, and I make all three meals a day (we quickly realized that taking a family of four out to eat is both a chore and expensive), and best of all, at the end of each day, I have happy kids that hug, and kiss me goodnight.

You know how we call it "practicing medicine" because it truly is a trial and error process? Well they should call it "practicing parenting" too. I don't always know what is going to work for these girls. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I don't know them that well. Let's be honest. Most people carry their kid for nine months, get to plan how things are going to go in their mind. Then, the kid comes out, doesn't do a whole lot except eat, sleep, and poop. You fall in love. Then they cry more and sleep less, but they start to smile, and coo. Their first words are usually either "mama" or "dada" and by then you are in love.

Once they start walking they are super cute and have just enough hair for you to do a little style. Everyone is still pretty much in love with them, family and friends were around a ton when you left the hospital, and though their home visits have dwindled your little one is still the center of attention. As they start to become more mobile you are constantly saying "no-no" to them in a loving voice, they learn what you will and will not allow from before they even know how to talk.

By the time the terrible two's and three's hit, you are so in love with them, and know them so well that you grumble through it. Well ladies, this is where my journey began. My three year old is sassy, and sometimes bites and hits to try to achieve her goal. My four year old has moved into the smart misbehavior. This means she knows what to say and do to try and manipulate her way out of trouble. Guess what? I'm lucky because these behaviors are normal for their age group. I'm unlucky because on top of their developmental frustrations, I'm learning how to manage them without knowing these kids very well. All in all? I'm getting it. We've been trying different techniques and consequences to get the girls to follow the rules we want them to follow. But, sadly, they've had lots of different expectations in their short lives, and they're adjusting too.

Some days are grueling, and some are amazing. But that's parenthood. When I get overwhelmed I stop and say to myself "parenting is supposed to be fun, so relax, take this moment for what it is and move forward." A friend of mine gave me a great book suggestion about caring for kids who've not been in your home since birth. She adopted children at the same ages as mine, and has had the same struggles. It's called "Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline: 7 basic steps to turning conflict into cooperation" by, Becky Bailey. I have also read "Love and Logic." These books are great in theory, but let's be honest, sometimes you don't control your anger, and you yell and send your kid to time out. That's life. All I can ever do is be the best mommy I can be, and make the best decision I can in any given moment.

Here are a few things I've learned:

Don't get upset and reprimand your child until you ask them why they chose to do a certain thing. My four year old put toilet paper in the bathtub with her the other night. I was so mad....it's a mess to clean up when wet. But, I asked her "why" and she said, "because I peed in the tub and had to wipe." Well that's actually a good answer. She didn't get in trouble, but she had to clean it up.

Distraction works wonders. If an altercation between the kids is about to happen, or they're heading to do something that is going to get them in trouble, distract them. "look out the window, what's that" or "do you want to take small steps or big steps out of the mud?" these are ways to achieve the goal you want without having to yell or say NO.

Do-overs are helpful. If the kids don't treat each other respectfully, and one pushes the other one out of the way, I'll say "do-over" and make them go back and do it the right way. One will use her words instead of pushing and say, "please move" and then the other one will. I try to teach.

Be consistent. I follow the same schedule each day. They eat at the same times, sleep at the same time, had a bedtime and morning routine. I also discipline consistently for the same issue. Hitting always gets a time out. Tantrums will always get the kids sent to their rooms. I see less of these things, cause they know the punishment.

Ignore the negatives, praise the positive. If one is doing the right thing, and the other is not, I pay A LOT of attention to the one doing the right thing, and ignore the other one. This way they don't attention seek by doing bad things.

That's my bag o tricks for now. Sometimes nothing works. Then I breathe, and pray.

Prayers

Every night at dinner before we eat, the girls say their prayer. They always say the same thing, and they learned it somewhere else, because they've done it since their first night here. Their prayer goes: "Thank you God for giving us food, Amen." We've tried to ask them what else they can thank God for, but they don't really understand. We get answers like, "my scooter" or some other random toy.

Last night was different. I sat down with the girls for dinner (my husband wasn't home). I asked them to say their prayer before they ate, and my four year-old said: "Thank you God for giving us food, and for giving us mommy, Amen." My eyes welled up with tears, and I thought my heart was going to burst with the love I felt for these kids in this moment. I got up, picked her up in my arms in a big hug, and said, "you just tickled mommy's heart, I love you so much." Of course then the 3 year-old said the same prayer, and she got hugs and love too.

It's amazing how difficult motherhood truly is. I never realized how tough it can be. But, it's these moments that make us all thankful for having kids. What a wonder they are.

(some one elses angel, not mine)

Library

Today I ventured out with the girls to the library. I read in our local paper that the library does a storytime group every Wednesday for kids aged 2-5. I have been looking into little activities and things that we can do so this was a great first step. The story hour was great. There was singing, a story, number practice, and craft time.

There were about 6 preschoolers there, plus moms, and a few younger brothers and sisters who came along. I felt like I was a member in the special "mommy club." We all sat behind our kids and watched as they followed directions, sang, and listened. It was great! Most of the moms knew each other, some were even planning a play date. No one really said anything to me, they smiled though, which was nice. It's almost like the first day of school, and having to meet new people for the kids, and for me!

In the middle of the number song, my 4 year-old started sitting on her hand. I thought "uh-oh she has to go potty." Potty and my four year-old aren't good friends yet. She likes to hold her pee til it's too late and then go on my bathroom floor. So, I looked at her and began to panick...my brain was racing: should I interrupt her number song....what if she pees on the floor....I didn't bring the diaper bag cause we were only going to be gone an hour...if she has an accident we'll have to leave....the other moms will judge me 'how dare you don't bring your diaper bag incase of an accident" ....shiiiiiiit. So. I got up, whispered in her ear..."do you need to go potty?" Of course she nodded "yes" and so I took her hand, and away we went. I was fine with leaving little sister there for a minute, but she of course followed us. Accident averted! Note to self...maybe keep change of clothes in trunk for situations like these.

After story hour, I took the girls into the main library to show them around. It's important to me that the girls understand about borrowing books, taking care of them and returning them. I loved the library growing up, and I want my kids to do the same. So we went into the library childrens section, and looked around. As we were standing in line to check out our books some crazy lady...seriously she smelled and her clothes didn't match...came up and TOUCHED me on the shoulder, she said the most offensive thing to me: "I love God and I know that he believes that our children should look like us." I was so shocked, and had a kid holding each of my hands, so lucky for that lady, she didn't get punched in the face. I may not have mentioned this yet, but I am blonde and fair skinned. My daughters are 1/2 african america, 1/4 caucasion, and 1/4 native american. So, they are darker than me. NEVER has this come up before, besides once with my husbands 84 year-old grandma and it wasn't in an offensive way at all. EFF you lady. About 10 minutes later I realized I should have replied, "then you must not of heard of adoption." What an offensive end to a great morning at the library!

How's it going?

This is the most asked question in my life these days. And, I'm thankful people are still asking. So I will answer here while the girls are napping. I am hoping for an extended nap today, got the girls down an hour late because my husband and I took them bowling and then to McDonalds for lunch. I really dislike McDonalds, but on a rainy day, it's a small price to pay for happy kids who are stuck in a booth nibbling on burgers and fries quietly.

We are doing good. The girls sleep 8pm-6:30am so I cannot complain. I'm still not sleeping horribly well. I sit awake, worrying, like any mother does, recapping the day with excitement, and so much love that I could burst. Some nights I go into their room and watch them sleep, I pray over them, I have never been so in love.

Behaviorally they are great kids. Of course they have sibling rivalry...shocker, all kids do. They definitely test their limits, and get time-outs some times, but not frequently. Meal times can be challenging because getting them to sit at a table for 15 minutes is torture in their eyes. But, I can honestly say that if I gave birth to these kids and raised them from day one, they wouldn't act any different. They are good natured, healthy, vibrant, happy kids. I couldn't ask for anything more.

I've enjoyed watching disney movies again, playing with play-dough, coloring, and reading stories. It's a lot of fun to have kids at this age. I can take them places, they are potty trained (save an accident here and there), and they can tell me what they want and need.

I have tried to talk to them about adoption a time or two, but they're not quite ready for that yet. The older one (4 years old) changes the subject and the 3 year old doesn't get it. I bought them two story books about adoption. I read the shorter one to them last night. It's called "God Gave Us You." It's a great book about a fox that was adopted, and how his mommy waited and waited for him. In the middle of the story, my 3 year old grabbed and held my hand. I kind of think she was doing it to prevent me from turning pages, cause she likes to do everything herself, but in stead I'm going to believe it was a message saying, "yes mommy, I'm here, God found us and brought us to you."
Here's the book:

The other one I bought is a bit longer, they don't have the attention span for it yet, but it's also really cute:

Also this past weekend my friends threw me a "Shower for Sisters." The girls came, and everyone was very generous! We got a lot of great gifts, and my friends and some family got to meet the girls. They did really well considering they've been home less than a month and there were about 30 women oogling over them. They're naturals and getting attention. Now everyday they ask if we can go to the party....LOL. Love them.

Ch Ch Ch Changes

So many things are happening, my life has changed so much. And now the bulk of my time is spent caring for these two little girls, my daughters...sigh....so I need this writing outlet to share my joys, my frustrations, and my moments of confusion.

Things I never do anymore:

• Go to the bathroom without interruption. I do lock the bathroom door for #2, but I always pee in company now.
• Take long showers. I keep them short, and the door is always cracked so I can hear the girls.
• Go out to lunch.
• Stay up late and sleep in. I'm so tired once I get them down I don't stay up much longer. I usually get up early, as it's my only time to write, read, and sip my coffee in peace.
• Watch the TV shows I love. Thank God for DVR.
• Eat or drink anything I want. I usually always have to share, or explain what I'm eating/drinking and why they cannot have some.
• Have sex. Who has the time or energy? My poor husband. After years of having it all the time trying to have a kid, now it's time to lay off the lay.

My kid's are precious. They say and do things that make my heart flutter. I was tucking in our 3 year old the other night, and she said, "mommy, I want to kiss you" so she did and then she said, "I love you." She is so cute. My older one has more of a hard shell. She is loving, and also calls me mommy, but I see her catching herself sometimes. Like she's not quite sure, and sometimes she'll even say, "oh wait, you are not my mommy." We haven't spoken about it too much, but I can see their wheels are turning. It's sad that they don't understand that they're not going back to the home they had before ours. Eventhough we're elated that we're finally parents, we realize that they are grieving a major loss. All we can do is be there for them, and we often say at dinner or bedtime, "do you have any questions you'd like to ask?" They haven't yet, but we hope they know they can.

I'm also looking for some adoption books and movies that are age appropriate, as I want to incorporate the term adoption into their vocabulary now. More on that when I find it.

We've been matched

Sorry for not updating sooner. Let me recap you on the events that led my husband and I to our two little girls. Yes, I said, TWO.
On Wednesday, 2/22/12, at 12:30 pm I got an email saying that our homestudy was now live on the database state wide so that all social workers in the state could see it. We were officially in child search. At 1:30pm I got a call from our social worker. She had a placement that she wanted to present to us. Wow. Talk about fast. Anyway, remember that I cannot give out too much information, as the internet is a public place and I don't want to get my self into trouble.
All I am going to say is that on Friday morning, a mere 46 hours later, we brought two pre-school age girls home. They are sisters, and only a year apart.
They are healthy, vibrant, good natured kids. They are exactly what we prayed for.

The girls have been home for a week now. They have settled in well. They are eating well, sleeping well, and arguing with eachother. Apparently sibling rivalry is big at this age. Jeez. Really, I think it's payback because my sister and I fought all the time. My mom is coming to visit and she is going to just giggle at my frustration with their arguing.

I cannot tell you at what moment I knew they were meant to be ours. I don't really remember getting this feeling of "those are my daughters" when I met them. But, I do know that I couldn't imagine being a mommy to anyone else. The other day we were driving in the car and one of them said, "mommy, can you put lady gaga on?" That was pretty clear for me. I am a lady gaga fan, so I thought, honey, you are my child. I think the main thing is that it brings me to tears when they call me mommy. When they climb up on my lap and hug me. When I tell them I love them and they kiss my cheek. These are my da. I want them to have the best mommy and daddy iughters.

There is a peace that comes with it. I am no longer desperate to become a mommy. I have two daughters.

So I guess this blog is now going to be about parenting. It went from infertility and conception, to adoption, to mommyhood. And I couldn't be happier about it!

I would also like to extend a big THANK YOU to all the people who helped me get the necessities together in the short two day prep time I had. Everyone came through and gave me what I needed. Carseats, books, toys, clothes, toddler bed, mattress, and one late night trip to target for a few more items. You all pulled together and I'm so grateful.

Approved.

Yes! The title of this post does mean that our homestudy has been approved!

Yesterday we had a small snafu with the map we drew of our house because we didn't include a "family meeting place" which shows where the fam would meet up if there was a fire or something. So our social worker called, told me she was sending it back to us via email, and we were to fix it and send it back to her....but that other than that our homestudy was pretty much approved.

Considering this is Friday of a holiday weekend, and our social worker doesn't have the most amazing track record of, well, being in her office, I figured we would hear back at the end of next week. BUT....I got the email today. She said our home study had been approved, and she has signed the final signature page. She then mails it to the main office, the administrator signs it, and bam...we're in child search.

I got off the phone, and ..... shocking, I balled my eyes out. I felt so much relief, and excitement. I mean, they are really going to find us our child, and we are going to be parents! It's going to happen. The excitement was similar to the day I found out I was pregnant. And, in a round about way I am. My heart is pregnant with the idea of our first child, and my love for them will grow there.

I called my closest friends and told them, texted a few more friends, and then took a sunny day walk. What an amazing Friday.

Tomorrow we take our water rescue class. It's required if we are going to let our kiddo swim, which we likely are since it gets more than 100 degrees here in the summer. Even if they're little, we'll wade around with them, and technically if we do that we have to have this class.

Other than that, we wait. But hopefully not for long!

Full Heart, Empty Wine Glass

I just got home from spending the weekend with some of my favorite people. And our time together was too short, but amazing. We laughed, drank wine, sangria, bloody marys...ate fried food, slurpees, beef jerky, drove around listening to our high-school radio station, and even got in some much needed dance, dance revolution. We reminisced about the past and dreamt about the future. My heart is full now. And I am so grateful.

I would like to start out by saying a big THANK YOU to the girls in my life who have held my heart in their hands during some tough times.

There are people in our lives that literally reach down, and pull us up when we're on the ground, at our lowest point, trying to dig a hole and lay in it. One of the speakers at my nursing school graduation quoted one of her favorite professors when she stated: "The greatest exercise of the human heart is to reach down and lift another up." Isn't that the truth? And I am so lucky, because I have a handful of friends who have lifted me up through the years.

To the most amazing friends in the world:

Thank you for warming my heart.
Thank you for believing in me when I didn't believe in myself.
Thank you for refocusing me on what's really important in life, and reprimanding me when I perseverate on things that don't matter so much.
Thank you for listening, even when I was being childish, selfish and outright irrational and negative.
Thank you for asking questions about our adoption, and really listening to the answers.
Thank you for crying with me.
Thank you for laughing with me.
Thank you for making the most amazing book of support when my sister died.
Thank you for all the little gifts and trinkets you've already given to your future "niece" or "nephew."

I never forget any of these things, and how precious each of you are to me. I'm sorry that I don't say THANK YOU more.

Love,
Me

Update!

Finally....I have something to share with all of you. Last Tuesday (over a week ago) I left our SW a message to make sure she received our birth mom profiles. I didn't hear back all last week. So, naturally....I called back this past Monday, while a friend of mine literally sat next to me ready to hold my hand if I didn't get any answer.

But I did.

Our SW told me that we are "live" for birth mom situations, our profiles have been mailed on to the different agency offices in the state. Again, these situations are rare, but at least we are out there.

As for the infamous homestudy. It is in the final stage of being approved. Our SW is waiting for the "approval email" that tells her to go ahead and sign the homestudy and send the hard copy in. When she gets this, she will call us to tell us everything is a "go" for the fos-adopt program.

Then she said something that made me really happy. She said, "but don't worry, because if I learned of a child that was a match for you tomorrow, I'd present you without the document."

So pretty much, we are active right now. Though, we aren't officially in "Child Search" for the fos-adopt program. Of course, her date for the approval to come through was "by the end of the month." Because she said that she's already keeping her eyes and ears open for our child I refrained from reminding her that it was supposed to be the middle of the month. I am always on time, so when people miss deadlines it makes me crazy. Oh well, not a lot I can do about it except whine.

Every night we pray for our child.
Every morning I pray for peace, patience, and positivity while we wait.

C'mon little one, we're here, and we're ready for you to come home.

Inspiration.

Every once in a while I stumble upon something about adoption and I fall a little more in love with it....

January

Did you know that January has 31 days? I'm pretty sure it didn't always.

Dear January, eff you. Get on with it already.

Inhale

And

Sigh.

Dear Birthmom

For the past couple weeks we've been working on our "Dear Birthmom" letter. Let me tell you, it was the most difficult letter I've ever written. In one sense, it's a love letter to someone you've not ever met. It is also a bit of a plea, or sales pitch, "hey, we're so and so and this is who we are and what we do, please give us your baby." No seriously. It's really difficult to write.

When we finally got it done, we gave it to 4 people to read. That's it. We chose people who knew us well, but would be able to get over the emotion, and be straight with us about how the letter sounded. One of them was pregnant, which I thought was good because pregnancy hormones can sometimes put a different spin on things. And, of course, the reader of this letter is going to be expecting, so we thought it only appropriate.

The letter was finished and edited Wednesday, Thursday night we finished up our picture pages (scrapbook style pages with pictures of us, our family, our friends, our animals, and our home), and today we mailed our required 8 profiles off. They will arrive at our agency Monday. From what they said to me a while back when we decided to be open to birth mom situations our profiles can be viewed starting now, even though our study is not yet finished. So we're out there....in case anyone walks through our agency's doors and wants to take a look. Our agency has 5 offices throughout California. So one profile goes to each and I'm not sure what the extra are for.

We've also been more open with letting people know that we're almost done with our paper work, and would be willing to speak with anyone who is considering adoption for their child. Just because word of mouth can sometimes bring a birth mom and adoptive parents together. I actually met a girl last week at a meeting at work (we were introduced by a friend of mine) and she works with lower income pregnant women. She said she'd find out for me what the process might be to put my name and information out there to those women if they were considering adoption.

The wonderful people in our lives are keeping their eyes and ears open for our child as well. It's nice to know that so many people care about us becoming parents. We are very lucky.

Our little one is out there, that's for sure, and s/he doesn't know it, but mommy and daddy are working very hard to get them home.

A Table for a Tot

Hi All!
Not a whole lot going on here (still). Just waiting away. But, for those of you who are honestly worried about my mental health, this week is a much better week than last. And, I did get my validation after all. A good friend of mine who adopted from the same agency we are going through said to me, "well it sounds like you are ready to rip some heads off...and that's OK. It's normal to get scared and angry when you are so close to the end and it's taking forever."
I appreciated her honesty, and validation. Eventhough I feel nutty at times, I know I am not alone.

Here is the table and chairs (more like stools) I bought online at zulily.com. If you are not a member of this site, BECOME ONE. It's free and they have great deals on kid stuff, house stuff, and women's clothes and shoes.



So, if our little one is a "tot" they will have this cute spot to eat at, do playdough, and color, etc. If we end up with a baby, this will get put away for a while and a rocking chair will take it's place. This table has storage in the little seats, and it actually folds up so I can store it, or travel with it, whatever. My friends who have toddlers all have a little table for them, it's a must from what I can see!

I wish I was a kid again so I could live in this nursery!

"Sorry for acting bipolar, I'm paper pregnant"

Yes, this statement actually did come out of my mouth this week, to one of my poor office mates who witnessed a childish meltdown. I was feeling impatient, jealous, sad, lonely, hopeless, and frustrated among other things, and I started balling in my office, in the middle of a Tuesday.

Adoption causes hormones too....and because of that, I've coined the term "paper pregnant." It is where you get all the emotions of a pregnant person without the bump. It's pretty amazing. Not.

I truly do feel bipolar. One day I wake up and I'm excited about adopting. I feel at peace with the path we're on, and I'm excited to meet our child.

Then the next day I wake up angry, and jealous that 90% of the world get pregnant. In less than a year, they conceive. I've been trying to get pregnant since July 2009. All I have to show for it is one loss. People ask me a lot if I'm still "trying to have a baby." We're not, but we're not preventing, and the fact of the matter is that it still hasn't happened. I'm a crossroad where I feel like I need to be at peace with the fact that it may not ever happen for me. All the studies say that statistically if you don't conceive within 3 years of trying your success rate of ever conceiving goes down to about 10%. Thats a pretty shitty statistic.

I was always going to adopt. But, I want to carry a baby too. I want to feel him/her move inside me. I want to have a bump to rub cocoa butter on. For God's sake I want to feel nausea, and puke and know it's because I'm growing a baby. I want to breast feed. I want to give birth to a child made from my husband and I's DNA.

End Rant.

Back to paper pregnancy. Adopting is not the easy way out. The fact is that it's one hell of a rollercoaster and it requires you to wait while someone else takes your hopes of becoming a parent and creates your big homestudy document on their time. It is safe to assume that my social worker is working on our homestudy right now, right? Nope, I called her to check in with her after my meltdown and she is out of the office all week. I'm sorry, whhhaaaaaaaaaaat? That is unacceptable. Doesn't she know people are waiting to become parents over here? Sheesh!

It's January 20th. I was told mid February. Since it's a 29 day month, I'm giving her til the 15th. As if I could actually control this deadline, or any of this. But, as of today, that's what date I'm trying to make it to without pulling out my hair.

It's going really well, really.

Embracing the Wait

I just updated my facebook status to: January. Is. The. Longest. Month. Ever.

It totally freaking is. I feel like we've been waiting forever. But, when I get really agitated about the waiting, I say a prayer for patience, and I realize that the rest of this process is all about waiting.

Waiting for our homestudy to be written, edited and approved.

Waiting for our social worker to find our little one.

Waiting to be chosen by the childs social worker or a birth mom once our social worker shares our homestudy.

Waiting for a disclosure meeting for a foster child or birth of a birth mom's child.

Waiting to meet the child.

Waiting to bring them home.

Waiting for the adoption to finalize.

This is going to be our life for awhile, so though I'm excited and impatient, I must learn to be comfortable here.

I am trying to marvel at my Saturday mornings of laying on the couch, sipping coffee and watching my DVR. I am going to bed early if I want because I can. I leave, and go to the store, or where ever if I want because soon it won't be so easy. Sometimes I just sit and read in my quite comfy living room, because the quiet will soon be a distant memory. Though I long for diapers, sleepless nights, and noise I know I will miss this time, where it's just he and I. I will have no regrets when I leave this place of being a child free adult, but I want to embrace it while I can, if only to make the time more tolerable.

Some Inspiration

One of my amazing hopeful mama's to be shared this with me today. And, it brightened my day. So true....

Thoughts on Becoming a Mother

There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better.

I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books,
but because I have struggled and toiled for this child.
I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed.
I have endured and planned over and over again.
Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.
I will notice everything about my child.
I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.
I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me.

I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see.
Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love.
I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain.
I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body, I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.
I have prevailed.
I have succeeded.
I have won.
So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.
I listen.
And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immerse power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.
I have learned to appreciate life.
Yes I will be a wonderful mother.

Time Really Does Stand Still

Seriously? 1-4-12. I think my idea of "time flies" is now history. Time is standing still.
In the past week I have begun my research of the different types of problems and/or situations that we could be presented with.

I have learned:
That a baby exposed to a drug in utero is less at risk than a baby born addicted to (or tested positive for) drugs at birth. So it's one thing for the social worker to say, "this baby was exposed to meth in utero" than "this baby tested positive for meth at birth."

Alcohol is the worst of all the "drugs" that can be used to an unborn baby. Fetal alcohol syndrome (FAS) is one of the most severe forms of mental retardation. Many physical signs are not present at birth, and the disability often doesn't show itself until the child is school-aged.

The reality of all this though is that we don't really know how our child will react to what they have been exposed to, if anything, until they get older. All we can do is be the best parents we can, and pray that God will bring us a healthy child.

I have also just skimmed the surface of things like autism, and detachment disorder. Detachment disorder happens to kids that are moved around from foster home to foster home and literally detach from the adults that are caring for them. This affects bonding and can turn into a lifelong mental illness. This is the reason that our system is getting so strict with placing children into "forever families." Birth parents don't have as long anymore to get their act together before loosing their kids. If the child is younger, the time frame is actually even shorter because it's so damaging to remove kids from a familiar enviornment to a new place time and time again.

We have a lot to learn. And I want to research it so that if I'm presented something I have (what we in nursing call) "an informed consent" which includes the risks and benefits of a situation.

I also pose the question to any of you reading this, what do you think about nature vs. nurture? There are quotes such as, "the apple doesn't fall far from the tree" but how much does your genetic code make you who you are?

Would I be who I am if I was raised by someone other than my mom? I don't know. I'm a lot like her in some of my mannerisms, but is that genetic or is that the way I was raised? I think it's a bit of both. But, as an adoptive mom, can I make the nurture outweigh the nature? Can I give my children a new heritage and succeed?

I hope so. Because if not, then what the hell am I doing here?