Reality

Yes, yes, I know I don't post often enough, I have probably lost most or all of my readers, but here I am, attempting to re-light my writing torch (thank you olympics for this sentence) and move forward with this blog.

There are a few things I'd like to say to catch everyone up with my life since its been awhile, I'll bullet point them for times sake.

• Being a mom is effing tough. It requires a great deal of patience, repetition, love, strength and creativity.
• And an open mind, a very open mind and flexibility.
• I'm CERTAIN there is a reason why when babies are born all they do is eat, cry, sleep and poop. If they talked back, tested limits, and made messes, post partem depression would be post partem psychosis.
• I love my kids. I cry watching them sleep. I'm falling in love again, and this time it's with a three and four year old.
• Husbands DO NOT multi task. If you leave them home all day and their job is to be Mr. Mom, they will care for the kids. That's it. No dishes, dusting, cleaning, cooking, or watering. Period.
• We have our last social worker visit next week (praise God) and we sign adoption papers at the end of the month. We will finalize our adoption no later than mid-October. 
• I still want to be pregnant.

Yes, I really just wrote that. It's funny, so many people think that now that I have two kids all my infertility woes, or feels of envy toward pregnancy have vanished. Maybe I'm a horrible person to admit it, maybe I'm selfish, but it's the truth. I still want to have a biological child. I cannot help but feel like I missed a large and important part of the girls lives. Maybe some of us just have a maternal instinct, a primal need to carry a child. Whatever it is, I still feel it. Though, it is numbed. I don't feel angry and jealous toward the preggo's. I feel more envious. I have reached a place where I can be happy for them, but still feel a little sad for me.

I'm honestly shocked that having two kids hasn't overwhelmed me to the point that I don't want anymore. I definitely do. Because as challenging as some moments are, the good moments, the moments where my kids scream and jump up and down when I come in the house, when they want to sit right next to me, when they give kisses and say adorable loving things, those make everything else worth it.

I guess time will tell...