The Word Is Out

We've been thinking a lot about how we're going to move forward in our adoption journey once our homestudy is written. And, we've pretty much decided to stick with our current agency. This means that we will likely be adopting a baby from foster care. The program is called "fos-adopt" which I spoke about in my prior post about different types of adoption. Again, this is a program where children in the foster care system are placed with us solely for adoption. That means we don't take foster placements. We will take a foster child who is being placed up for adoption because his/her parental rights have been, or are going to be terminated.

What's the legal risk? If you are in to percentages? Like 2% chance of something happening that could result in the little one being taken away from us once we're placed with him or her.

We have also been asked if we'd like to be in the agency's relinquishment program. This means that if a birth mom contacted the agency looking to create an adoption plan for her unborn child our profile would be show to her along with a few other families. This would be a rarity, as our agency doesn't seek out birth moms, but they don't turn them away if they call in and want our agency to help them. If we were chosen they would facilitate and manage our adoption. But, they said they only get a handful of birthmom's each year so it is a long shot, but an option.

We can do both programs, but we are on the fence about the relinquishment because of our last situation. Part of me wants to do it, a newborn would be amazing, but another part of me is scared that she'll change her mind once again, I'll of waited out some length of a pregnancy and then be - once again- empty handed.

Hmmm....

Anyway, the title of this post implies that an announcement has been made. And, it has. We sent out letters with our Christmas cards announcing to our extended family, and some friends who didn't know yet that we'll be adopting a baby in 2012.

Here's how the letter read (the letter starts with updates about my husband and I and moves on to:

Now for the big news: as many of you may know, we have wanted to start our family for a couple of years now. Unfortunately it hasn’t been a simple plan. But we believe we are right where we belong. That being said, we hope to adopt our first child in 2012. We have finished the “home study” process and are waiting for our social worker to write our final document, so we can begin searching for our child.

We plan to adopt a child under the age of two. This decision is one that we have always spoken about, even since before being married. We hope that you can share in our joy and excitement as we wait for our social worker to find and bring this little one home.

Once we have met our kiddo, we promise to let everyone know. Until then, please keep us in your prayers.

 I hope you all will agree that this was simple, and to the point. The letter should of reached most everyone by today. Friends that already knew didn't get one...cause I was trying to save paper!

I'm going to be "off-line" for a long weekend as we're flying to the midwest for an early Christmas with my family.

I'm sure I'll have something to update on after our home visit on Wednesday.

Until then....

Recollectng our thoughts...

Ok. So now that I've "recovered" from the intense interviews this last week, I am ready for the final step of all of this: Our Home Visit.

Our home visit is scheduled for December 21st at 1100. Plenty of time, right? Sorta. We leave on vacation this Friday and come home Tuesday at 11pm...so we will have limited time to "primp" the house when we get back before our SW shows up. I think the home visit will be fine. We have gone through the 5 page list of requirements and the assured everything is up to the state's standard. If we miss something, she'll have to come back once we've fixed it.

We are so close to the end. Luckily, I have found a great group of adoptive momma's to-be online and they agreed that the individual interviews were very intense and made them feel like crap too. So, at least I'm not alone.

Just to recap, once the SW visits our house, there is nothing more for us to do. She has to write our home study up for us. Then someone else reads and edits it. Then it goes to the third person who looks at our autobiographies that we wrote against the social workers document and checks facts.

The date we got for the homestudy to be all done (editing and everything) is Mid February. No, I am not thrilled about this date AT ALL. But, as are many things within adoption, it's not in my control.

I'm off to have a filled day of Christmas prep. I haven't finished my shopping yet, I need to finish addressing Christmas cards, and have some pictures printed to larger sizes...lots to do!

Emotionally Circling the Drain

Today was tough. It's not that I thought it would be easy, I didn't. It is never easy to rehash your entire life focusing on any and all the negative things in it. And then have someone who doesn't really know you question you about how you've coped with, um, everything.

I thought I was strong, and I thought I had moved forward from a lot of things that have happened in my life, but today brought them all up, and me, being the strong, stubborn, and scared woman I was during this interview, not only kept a straight face but didn't shed one single tear. Not one.

This is good right? Not really. Now I'm home and I cannot cry. I need to let it out, I feel tense, and defeated in a way, but I cannot release it. Not yet anyway.

When we first went to our "information session" with this agency, the guy flat out told us that there would be moments where we felt like shitty people. I think we both feel that right now. I also think we're tense that we didn't do well, and they aren't going to let us adopt a baby. That's obviously a ridiculous worry because our social worker scheduled our home visit, and made us a list of a few more things that she needs. It is the most random dang list I have ever seen, but whatever, we'll talk about that later.

For now, a glass of wine, a piece of pie a la mode, and the love of my life by my side. And hopefully tears, I'll feel better when the tears come out.

More things for our little one....

Since there isn't a lot going on in our homestudy process while we wait for our appointment Thursday, I thought I'd share a few more things I've found that I love:

There is an amazing adoption website where you can buy all kinds of things for adoptive families, and even gifts for birth mom's and things. I found this, which I love. I haven't purchased it yet, cause it's a bit pricey, but I haven't found anything like it, what do you think?:
http://www.adoptshoppe.com/Lifebooks-Baby-Books/Adoption-Baby-Books/Adoption-Baby-Memory-Book.html

A memory book, or a "life book" is a must have for adoptive children as they get older. It's similar to a baby book, but instead of looking at pictures of mommy's ever growing baby bump they get to look at pictures from the first day we met, and "coming home." There are also removeable pages for birth mom and birth dad information. So those can be used if we have that information, or can be put together and added in later when our little one is older.

Also, I ordered this fabric last week. A family friend of ours is making me a valance with it for the nursery. Super cute right?

Not much else going on. I've been power housing my Christmas shopping. We leave to be with my family in less than two weeks, and once we get back only a couple more days til Christmas! We absolutely love this time of year. There are lights in the yard, often something baking in the oven (good for the soul but not the waistline), Christmas tree in the corner....and Christmas carols, I love my Christmas carols.

Houston....we have a social worker!

Finally!

Today, just after hanging up the phone with my husband, where the conversation was all about my frustration that our social worker hadn't called yet this week, and it being Wednesday, my phone rang again. It was only a couple minutes later and there she was! Our social worker (from now on to be written: SW) is a great lady, she taught all of our classes so we already have a rapport with her, which is comforting.

I was already thinking about all the little things she's seen: us play with a fellow adoptive families 2 year-old, us talk about our prior adoption plan, but how we felt that we may be open to other means of adoption in the future. She knows how we feel about little one we hope to have one day, as we spoke about this a lot during those classes.

Exhale. Sigh of relief, this is almost over. Just to recap what we have left:

• We have to have individual interviews, which we scheduled today for December 8th at 1000. (My husbands day was open, mine is not, but I have an amazing boss so she'll let me move things around)
• The SW has to come and see our home, there is a five page check of list that has to be completed for her to "certify" our home as safe
• We have to provide a measured picture (I'm talking graph paper to sqaure feet) of our house and yard (working on that this week)
• We have to fill out some final forms but our SW helps us with them, the state is VERY specific on how their filled out
• Then we pray for her to write like it's her job! And hope for NO writers block!
• Once its written, it's given to another SW to proof read.

Then, its done :) And can you believe that once it's done it's only good for two years. Holy Moly.

The eight week timeline of her writing the homestudy starts today. Of course, many SW's write them more quickly. So, we'll hope with that. I'm a little leary of it all with the holidays, but I know I have to be patient and let her do what she needs to.

Eeeek, I'm super excited about this next step.

Blessings

"We say grace and thank the lord, got so much to be thankful for..." - Tim McGraw

I hope everyone had a fantastic Thanksgiving. We all have so much more to be thankful for. Probably more than we will ever realize.

For me, its my friends, family, amazing husband, my health, my job that allows me to teach and be a nurse (which I love and am good at), the means to go and hit black Friday sales at midnight with a great friend, witty humor with a dash of sarcasm, and love, I'm surrounded by so much love.

Lastly, I am thankful, yes thankful, that my journey to motherhood has made me a better, more selfless, patient, and appreciative person. As these things will all help me to be the most amazing mom.

With that being said, c'mon little one, your room is done!

My infamous tree with owl (courtesy of Styley Walls @ etsy.com):

The crib:

Cute dresser with owl lamp:

My indulgent owl outlet and light switch covers, complete with childproofing :)

I also want to add some wall art, shelves, and of course, the kiddo!

It's an amazing room. I put my "boyfriend" pillow (pillow with arms) in there, and will sit in there and read. The room soothes me, and reminds me that great things are coming.

Time Heals All Wounds, Or Does It Wound All Heals?

Two years ago tomorrow, I found out I was pregnant. I had been sick with the flu, but pulled myself out of bed to go early Christmas shopping with a friend. We bought a test on the way home, and...a few minutes after I peed on it, it clearly read "pregnant."

I will never forget that moment, or the moments following where I got to tell my husband he was going to be a dad.

A few weeks later, December 12th 2009 those happy moments were washed away. There was bleeding, a call to our OB who we hadn't even met yet, and an ultrasound on a Saturday while it was pouring rain outside washing my dreams down to the ground.

I will never forget that day.

I will never forget the emptiness I felt when I realized I was no longer expecting a baby.

No one understands this pain unless they've gone through it, and though there are many analogies that could compare it, the raw emptiness of it is never quite describable.

I feel almost like I'm re-living it lately. A song will play on the radio, and I remember hearing that very song while this horrible loss was happening. The thought of going to Christmas at my husbands grandma's house, just as we did days after my surgery, exhausts me. It's the familiarity in the air, the warmth of my home during this month, the smell of pumpkin and cinnamon that I loved so much during that time.

It was the time of calm before my life turned in to a storm that has lasted for two years. But, I believe the storm is ending. I am at peace with what has happened, and though I don't understand why my life unraveled the way it has, I know that I have to move forward.

I won't use the term "move on" or "get over it" because there are things that we never really leave. We just put them up on a shelf in our hearts, take them down and cry with them in our arms when it's appropriate, but otherwise, we let them be. They are always a part of us and we are better because of the imprint they've had on our lives.

Rest in peace, baby. Rest in peace, my little sister. Rest in peace, my fearless heart. I am better now, stronger, but even the strong shed tears sometimes.

"Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened."