Emotionally Circling the Drain

Today was tough. It's not that I thought it would be easy, I didn't. It is never easy to rehash your entire life focusing on any and all the negative things in it. And then have someone who doesn't really know you question you about how you've coped with, um, everything.

I thought I was strong, and I thought I had moved forward from a lot of things that have happened in my life, but today brought them all up, and me, being the strong, stubborn, and scared woman I was during this interview, not only kept a straight face but didn't shed one single tear. Not one.

This is good right? Not really. Now I'm home and I cannot cry. I need to let it out, I feel tense, and defeated in a way, but I cannot release it. Not yet anyway.

When we first went to our "information session" with this agency, the guy flat out told us that there would be moments where we felt like shitty people. I think we both feel that right now. I also think we're tense that we didn't do well, and they aren't going to let us adopt a baby. That's obviously a ridiculous worry because our social worker scheduled our home visit, and made us a list of a few more things that she needs. It is the most random dang list I have ever seen, but whatever, we'll talk about that later.

For now, a glass of wine, a piece of pie a la mode, and the love of my life by my side. And hopefully tears, I'll feel better when the tears come out.