Hanging by a Thread

It's been a tough weekend. The longer we've gone without an update from our birth family on the status of our birth father's rights, the more worried I've become. And this afternoon, my fears were justified. Our attorney notified me that she had spoken with our birth family, and the birth father is being resistant to terminating his rights. Not only is he threatening to not allow the adoption, but he is stating that his family is going to help him, and he may want to parent the baby.

I know what some of you are thinking: Why am I surprised? I knew this could happen all along. After all, the bottom line is that this is truly HIS baby. And, I have to respect his wishes.

Needless to say, my heart is breaking. What seemed so close yesterday could now be miles away. It's not for certain. He could just be treading the waters and stalling while he processes all of this. But, we don't know that yet. The scariest thing that our attorney said to us was, "honestly it could be this way up until the very end. Lots of birth fathers stall until their 30 day window after the birth but never take any action." Great. That's freaking terrifying. But, again, that is the risk we took when we agreed to this. Though, I must mention that the first time I spoke with our birth mom she said that the birth father was on board with adoption. So, I don't know what changed.

My heart is also breaking for our birth mom. She really wants to have us adopt her baby. And her relationship with the birth father is not a good one. I am sure she is just as scared as we are by the problems he is presenting. I cannot imagine her having to carry this baby only to have to either decide to struggle and co-parent with him, or allow the baby to go to his care, which I know she really doesn't want.

The most worry is actually not because of the birth father. Its that the birth grandma who was facilitating this termination of rights has not communicated with me at all. I texted her a "hi there, how are you" text last night and she didn't write back. Then, I left her a voicemail this morning and she hasn't called back. Not really a huge deal except that she has never done that before. And, open communication is huge in this situation.

So, I don't really know what I'm to do. I guess we wait. We pray, or plea with God. This seems appropriate:

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.
The courage to change those I can.
And, the wisdom to know the difference.

Waiting

I haven't posted because I really don't have much to update you all on. I have not received word that the birth father has signed his papers. But, on the flip side, I haven't received word that he has outright refused to sign either, so I'm really just playing a waiting game still. I did talk to our birth mom today, which was great. We sent her a "Preggle" pillow which an amazing body pillow that supports your back and can wrap around to your legs and belly if you want it to. She said that she was getting uncomfortable sleeping and I wanted to do something for her. She was very happy, and said something that warmed my heart: "after I'm done using it maybe you can take it home with you and use it when you're feeding and holding the baby. It says its good for that." It made me stop and realize, "wow, she's really giving us this baby." I'm so grateful for her.
Of course I'm scared about the birthfather. Truthfully, this has all been pretty painless up until now and I don't want it to fall apart. I'm in love with this little one, how could I not be? We will be 14 weeks and out of the first trimester on Monday.

Here's what a 14 week little one looks like in the womb (not our photo):

I sent our application for the homestudy via certified mail a week ago today, so I know it got there, but I haven't heard from them. I know that our next step is to go to our first class, which is on September 15th, so I'll call next week to check in if they don't call me.

Things I'm already doing that I shouldn't be:
Thinking about whether I want cherry wood furniture or white furniture in the nursery
Looking a bedding patterns
Talking names with my husband.

Remember, this blog is a "no judgement" zone!

Birth fathers & Secretaries

Things are moving along. We're 13 weeks today. One more week and we're out of the first trimester already. Time feels like its moving slowly, but I know its going to fly by. There is still so much to accomplish. I have added "The Mother of all To-Do Lists" to the sidebar for easy tracking; and, it honestly entertains my Type A personality to have a list to cross off.

Why the title of this post?
Two things are happening/have happened in the past week and I'd like to share them both.

Birth father:
Our baby's birth father is young, indecisive, and from the sound of it, still possibly in "love" with our baby's birth mother. So, he is really struggling with this adoption. It doesn't seem he wants to parent this baby, but he isn't sure that he is willing to give up his rights either. He is being...for lack of a better word: difficult. In one sense, I don't blame him. I mean, this baby is genetically his, and I'm sure he's struggling with many emotions. On the other hand, I'm not sure his heart is in the right place. He has no parenting plan, no financial capability, and no familial support. All I can do is pray that God takes care of this one for us, and brings this baby to us.
Keep us in your thoughts this week, as the birth father will be asked to sign his termination of rights, and if he does that, I truly believe our journey will be easier from here on out. I wish he could see the desperation in our eyes and feel the attachment we've already grown to the baby that grows in our birth mom's tummy. I wish he could feel the warmth and love that radiates from our home. I wish he could see the many people in our lives that we've shared our news with that are (right along with us) awaiting graciously the arrival of our baby.

Secretary:
This is the most ridiculous thing that happened last week. We had to choose an agency to complete our homestudy for us. (Refer to the "Mother of all To-Do Lists" to see whats involved in this). Part of the application you fill out from this agency that we've chosen is a "Grocery" list of what type of child you'd accept in your home because the agency is foster to adopt focused. I called the secretary to see if we needed to fill our "list" out because we already know the baby we're expecting. This is the answer I got:
Secretary: Well, relinquishment's (our type of adoption) fall apart pretty often, so go ahead and fill it out so that we can move forward if this doesn't work out.
Me: Speechless (which never happens)
Secretary: So go ahead and fill it out, and then send it in to me and we'll go from there.
Me: Okay, I'll get it in the mail soon.

W.T.F.? Really? These are the people who take calls from families desperate for children. Really? Holy mother of crap I cannot believe this lady. If this had been anyone at the agency except for the secretary, I would have found another place to do our homestudy.

Maybe she had an adoption fail? I'm not sure. I know that when we met with social worker he had said that these types of adoption are the most risky, and that we should expect one failed placement (adoption that didn't work out) before a successful one. BUT, I believe our situation is different. We met this person through a family friend. She chose on her own to embark on this mission with us. Our connection is different, its not agency based. I'm not saying there is no chance she will change her mind, there is a chance. And, well, welcome to adoption. Whats my other option? To load myself full of hormones, and do that IUI cycle with my RE that may also not work out? I'm not a fertile myrtle. Things haven't happened easy for me. But, I'm hard working. So I will work hard every day I'm given to bring this baby home. I am going to believe that he or she is coming home every day. This is a gift. My relationship with our birth mother, and her family, is a gift. Too much has happened leading up to this that I'd be crazy not to see it as "meant to be." God does have a hand in this one.

As a last (less hostile) thought.....I'm in love with this quote:
"Not flesh of my flesh nor bone of my bone, but still miraculously my own. Never forget for a single minute that you didn't grow under my heart, but in it."

The Mother of all To-Do Lists

So, when we started this adoption, met and "clicked" with our birth mom and her family, I thought the hard part was over. Someone choose us. Someone agreed to give us her baby, and so therefore the rest should be easy. Yeah freaking right. If there is anything I've learned about becoming a parent, it's that nothing, and let me emphasis: NOTHING is easy.

So, in the next 6 months, 1 week, and 5 days (as of today, not that I'm counting) I have a TON of stuff to do to be able to bring this baby home when he/she is born. Here goes:

The Mother of all To-Do Lists
Hire a Lawyer
Find a homestudy agency
Get funds to afford the adoption
-Complete a Homestudy which encompasses:

1. Attending 12 hours of classes (that occur 1.5 hours away, on weeknights in 4 hour increments)
2. Filling out a very large and specific application and turning it in with pictures of us
3. My husband and I each filling out several pages of personal questions encompassing our entire life. Our home growing up, our parents, our religion, our habits, our views on parenting...and on, and on
4. A social worker interviewing us together in his office
5. Providing certified copies of birth certificates, and our marriage license
6. Each of us having a physical
7. Getting fingerprinted
8. Having above social worker come into and inspect our home (which involves having all chemicals, cleaning agents, and medications in a locked space)
9. Being individually interviewed for 2 hours a piece by said social worker
10. Making sure all our animals (4 dogs and 2 cats) have their vaccines up-to-date and documented

-Finding a lawyer in my our birthmoms home state
-Fulfilling the ICPC requirements (a process required when the adopive child is coming from another state). Something I'm sure I'll blog about later.
-Helping our lawyer facilitate getting the birthparents rights terminated

Sadly, I'm sure I'm missing something. But, this list will be my guide through this process. I will probably refer to it again as I can cross things out, more just to show myself that I'm making progress. I will go through this humbly, and not complain because I realize that these processes are put in place to keep children safe, and I cannot argue that. But, I will say, that there are plenty of parents out there that would not "pass" this process, and it's simply...as I've said before: not fair.

Happy trails to us.....

Switching Paths

Wow..12 days and no updates, sorry folks! Things have been crazy busy around here. Here's why:
WE'RE ADOPTING.
Yep. That's what I said. In the past month when I was pouring out tears and on my knees begging for a baby. And, I mean begging, I never thought that two weeks later the begging would turn into excitement, and serenity.
It's taken me awhile to write about this, because I didn't want to jinx it, I don't want to put it out there and have someone find it that may be offended by it. But, the truth is, I want to remember these moments and blogging here is not only a way to do that, but a way to discuss and educate others about the new highway toward parenthood that we're on.
So, how did this happen. Well, you know how people always say, "its not what you know its who you know." That statement holds so true for us. I knew (almost) everything about TTC, and ART, and I was ready to adjust my daily life to fit in medications, ultrasounds, and lab draws in order to knock myself up and bring my little bundle home. But it was a family friend who lead us to this baby.
A young birth mom 2500 miles away, who has known our family friend since she was born is growing a baby. And now, she's growing it just for us. She will be 12 weeks along on Monday. We are due in March. It has been amazing getting to know her and her family. We are doing an open adoption so that she can see pictures of the baby as he/she grows, and may do a visit here and there. But, I am going to be the babys mommy, and my husband will finally be called "daddy."
Can you believe it? I have told our closest friends and our families know. Some of them are very reserved, and with good reason. One of my friends said to me, "I just cannot stand to watch you get hurt over this." I understand where she is coming from. But that is the risk you take with adoption. As of today, we're expecting, and all we can do is be thankful for this day. I hope we get to be thankful until the baby is born, and that when he/she is born God will give our birth mom the strength to hand us our baby, and send us on our way as a family of three (of course, more grateful and humbled than ever).
We are so grateful, feel so blessed....we are counting down the days!
Our birthmother hasn't had an ultrasound since very early on (I haven't gotten those pics yet) but here is someones ultrasound pic at 11 weeks (we are 11 weeks 5 days)

(not my photo)

Labs

Remember the lab list? The one that encompassed Hepatitis C and many others? Well, today I received a blessing! Our insurance is going to pay for my husbands labs.

Why is this a big deal? Because I got my bill and I had less tests done than him (I'd already completed some of them over the past couple years) and my bill for less testing was $500.00.

So, thank you health insurance for covering one of our lab tests!

Gotta be grateful for the small stuff.

I hope everyone has a great week!

Cha-ching

Maybe I've Been Selfish

Today was one of those "time to put your ass in check" kind of days.

There are some friends in your life that are closer than others. Period. And the closest ones challenge you to truly put your infertile hostilities aside and open your eyes. Other people are going to have kids. Your entire community is not going to abstain from procreation because you are sensitive and subfertile.

I don't have a problem voicing my jealousy to my friends about people who are pregnant. And, I've even said things to them like, "you'd better not get pregnant again until I do." I mean to come off as humorous, but I know my friends are thinking, "oh shit, she's actually kind of not kidding."

Anyway, today, one of my long time friends that I hold very close to my heart burst into tears while she told me that she and her husband were going to try for their second baby. She told me that they'd been discussing it for a while, but part of her wanted to put it off due to my situation.

It broke my heart.

The truth is, as much as sometimes I wish time would stop. That all babymaking could just cease until my husband and I are successful in conceiving, I am not the type of person who wants to hurt my friends. When they are sad, I'm sad, and watching a good friend of mine be in pain about her decision to become pregnant again really affected me.

I told her that I was sorry, for I knew that I had caused these bad feelings. I really didn't feel angry about her trying to become pregnant. She has another child thats getting older and its simply time. I guess it just makes me realize that I need to curb my hostility a bit and be less candid with my friends. I never want them to feel like they cannot share such an amazing, exciting and important part of their life with me because of my selfishness. It really is just so hard. Why does it have to be so freaking hard?