Birth fathers & Secretaries

Things are moving along. We're 13 weeks today. One more week and we're out of the first trimester already. Time feels like its moving slowly, but I know its going to fly by. There is still so much to accomplish. I have added "The Mother of all To-Do Lists" to the sidebar for easy tracking; and, it honestly entertains my Type A personality to have a list to cross off.

Why the title of this post?
Two things are happening/have happened in the past week and I'd like to share them both.

Birth father:
Our baby's birth father is young, indecisive, and from the sound of it, still possibly in "love" with our baby's birth mother. So, he is really struggling with this adoption. It doesn't seem he wants to parent this baby, but he isn't sure that he is willing to give up his rights either. He is being...for lack of a better word: difficult. In one sense, I don't blame him. I mean, this baby is genetically his, and I'm sure he's struggling with many emotions. On the other hand, I'm not sure his heart is in the right place. He has no parenting plan, no financial capability, and no familial support. All I can do is pray that God takes care of this one for us, and brings this baby to us.
Keep us in your thoughts this week, as the birth father will be asked to sign his termination of rights, and if he does that, I truly believe our journey will be easier from here on out. I wish he could see the desperation in our eyes and feel the attachment we've already grown to the baby that grows in our birth mom's tummy. I wish he could feel the warmth and love that radiates from our home. I wish he could see the many people in our lives that we've shared our news with that are (right along with us) awaiting graciously the arrival of our baby.

Secretary:
This is the most ridiculous thing that happened last week. We had to choose an agency to complete our homestudy for us. (Refer to the "Mother of all To-Do Lists" to see whats involved in this). Part of the application you fill out from this agency that we've chosen is a "Grocery" list of what type of child you'd accept in your home because the agency is foster to adopt focused. I called the secretary to see if we needed to fill our "list" out because we already know the baby we're expecting. This is the answer I got:
Secretary: Well, relinquishment's (our type of adoption) fall apart pretty often, so go ahead and fill it out so that we can move forward if this doesn't work out.
Me: Speechless (which never happens)
Secretary: So go ahead and fill it out, and then send it in to me and we'll go from there.
Me: Okay, I'll get it in the mail soon.

W.T.F.? Really? These are the people who take calls from families desperate for children. Really? Holy mother of crap I cannot believe this lady. If this had been anyone at the agency except for the secretary, I would have found another place to do our homestudy.

Maybe she had an adoption fail? I'm not sure. I know that when we met with social worker he had said that these types of adoption are the most risky, and that we should expect one failed placement (adoption that didn't work out) before a successful one. BUT, I believe our situation is different. We met this person through a family friend. She chose on her own to embark on this mission with us. Our connection is different, its not agency based. I'm not saying there is no chance she will change her mind, there is a chance. And, well, welcome to adoption. Whats my other option? To load myself full of hormones, and do that IUI cycle with my RE that may also not work out? I'm not a fertile myrtle. Things haven't happened easy for me. But, I'm hard working. So I will work hard every day I'm given to bring this baby home. I am going to believe that he or she is coming home every day. This is a gift. My relationship with our birth mother, and her family, is a gift. Too much has happened leading up to this that I'd be crazy not to see it as "meant to be." God does have a hand in this one.

As a last (less hostile) thought.....I'm in love with this quote:
"Not flesh of my flesh nor bone of my bone, but still miraculously my own. Never forget for a single minute that you didn't grow under my heart, but in it."

The Mother of all To-Do Lists

So, when we started this adoption, met and "clicked" with our birth mom and her family, I thought the hard part was over. Someone choose us. Someone agreed to give us her baby, and so therefore the rest should be easy. Yeah freaking right. If there is anything I've learned about becoming a parent, it's that nothing, and let me emphasis: NOTHING is easy.

So, in the next 6 months, 1 week, and 5 days (as of today, not that I'm counting) I have a TON of stuff to do to be able to bring this baby home when he/she is born. Here goes:

The Mother of all To-Do Lists
Hire a Lawyer
Find a homestudy agency
Get funds to afford the adoption
-Complete a Homestudy which encompasses:

1. Attending 12 hours of classes (that occur 1.5 hours away, on weeknights in 4 hour increments)
2. Filling out a very large and specific application and turning it in with pictures of us
3. My husband and I each filling out several pages of personal questions encompassing our entire life. Our home growing up, our parents, our religion, our habits, our views on parenting...and on, and on
4. A social worker interviewing us together in his office
5. Providing certified copies of birth certificates, and our marriage license
6. Each of us having a physical
7. Getting fingerprinted
8. Having above social worker come into and inspect our home (which involves having all chemicals, cleaning agents, and medications in a locked space)
9. Being individually interviewed for 2 hours a piece by said social worker
10. Making sure all our animals (4 dogs and 2 cats) have their vaccines up-to-date and documented

-Finding a lawyer in my our birthmoms home state
-Fulfilling the ICPC requirements (a process required when the adopive child is coming from another state). Something I'm sure I'll blog about later.
-Helping our lawyer facilitate getting the birthparents rights terminated

Sadly, I'm sure I'm missing something. But, this list will be my guide through this process. I will probably refer to it again as I can cross things out, more just to show myself that I'm making progress. I will go through this humbly, and not complain because I realize that these processes are put in place to keep children safe, and I cannot argue that. But, I will say, that there are plenty of parents out there that would not "pass" this process, and it's simply...as I've said before: not fair.

Happy trails to us.....

When God Closes a Door He Opens a Window.

In the past two years I have learned a lot about the different options of becoming a mother. Thankfully, there are many. Sometimes I forget how much lies ahead of me on this journey, I get angry about what I don't have and forget to give thanks for the things I do have.

What do I have?

Great friends. In the past year a lot of bad things have happened in my life. The top of this list of course is losing my sister. Nothing trumps that. Infertility is the second. And this list goes on from there. Through all of this, I lost some friends. But, the ones I gained are angels living on this earth. There are times I will sit with a friend for an hour talking about my triumphs and we will barely skim the surface of whats going on in her life. If you are one of these people and are reading this, I do notice, and I want to be better. I genuinely care about whats going on in your life, and don't mean to derail your importance with my, well, drama. I know how fortunate I am to have my friends.

Great job. I love my job. I get to teach, and I get to be a nurse. My hours are flexible, and my boss has a heart of gold.

Great husband. My husband loves me for who I am. The pretty parts, the ugly parts, the selfish parts, the dramatic parts. He ate burnt food the first two years we were together because I couldn't cook. He knows when I need to cry, to laugh, and when to just sit with me a be silent.

Great family. One thing that has changed dramatically in the past year is my relationship with my mom. Primarily because I have one now. We weren't very close before my sister passed. In fact, it was my sister who was closest to my mom, and when she died I struggled for a long time that God took the wrong daughter. Don't let this statement upset you, Mom, if you are reading this, I know better now. My family as a whole is small (Great grandpa, Gram, Pop, Aunt, Uncle, Mom, Me, my husband, and my sisters memory) but we are full of love.

Ownership. I have the means to own my home, drive the car I want, and go out to dinner on a whim. These things are not given to all. I have worked hard for everything I have, but still realize how lucky I am to have it.

Faith. This is probably the biggest struggle that I've had over the past year. Praising God and having faith is easy when things are going in your favor. But, when things fall apart, and I mean, things club you over-the-head at ninety miles an hour on some random Tuesday afternoon its hard to believe that any higher power (who is supposed to love you unconditionally) is allowing these things to happen to you. But, there was a moment soon after I lost my sister that I made the decision to have faith. To believe in God and allow him into my life for no other reason than to simply believe in my future, and that someone/something of a higher power is out there, right beside me, seeing my through the good and bad times. Assuring that I'm never alone. I still struggle sometimes. But, everyday I remind myself of my commitment to keep faith in my life. And I do.

What I don't have?
A baby.

Not much is missing from my life, but I seem to spend so much time dwelling on it.

I found this picture of a house on Google, and looking at its layout I begin to think of this journey of fertility.

"If God closes a door he opens a window." Right?

The door is the easy way to have a baby. You have sex and BAM! you're pregnant. Obviously not my journey, after two years we can conclude this.

The window to the left of the door you'd definitely see from the street, its obvious. This is ART (assisted reproductive technology). The IUI's, IVF's, meds and other treatments you do with your eggs and your partners sperm.

The window to the right is the donor window. Surrogacy, donor eggs, donor sperm. The baby will biologically not be 100% yours or your partners, but you will be the parent and have the baby from birth. Maybe you will even carry the baby, but it may not be your genetic material.

The more hidden window, the one in the bottom left (the basement) is adoption. It's a window that we haven't explored much lately, but its there. Its an option. My husband and I have thought about adopting a child since we first got married. We've said that we'd like to give birth to two (two biological children) and adopt one or two. We just always envisioned that it would go in that order. But, lately we've thought about reversing the order, and having started looking into adoption. I have a lot of questions, and a lot of fear about it, but we are simply "cracking the window" and seeking out more information.

So, if you are reading this and your in our place, look at your options. Again, "Navigating the land of IF" by Melissa Ford is a great resource.

If you are reading this and thinking, "I'm pretty sure I don't want kids" thanks fine too, and I appreciate your support.