Closure

My phone rang today, and low and behold, it was our birth mom's- mom. My heart skipped a beat, because I've secretly been waiting for them to call and tell me that they were wrong, and they want us to have the baby. So that this loss I'm feeling could become a side effect of cold feet.

That isn't what happend.

She called to apologize. Turns out, she was pushing her daughter to continue with the adoption in the end. Our birth mom truly does want to keep her baby.

In a way, I'm glad she called. I needed the apology, though I know I'm not "entitled" to it. After all, this is her baby, and at the end of the day, it was closure for this situation. I know I have to be at peace with what has happened. Not only in our adoption, but in our other loss, and in the fact that I am sitting here, two and half years since our journey to parenthood started, childless.

It sounds sappy, and self indulgent. I know I need to be positive. I need to believe that God has a plan for us, and our baby will find their way home soon. But, my heart hurts. I feel beaten and bruised. I feel empty. It's sad, it's self loathing, but dammit, it's how I feel.

"People don't cry because they're weak, they cry because they've been strong for too long."

Lord here my prayer. I am busting at the seams. Please God, send me strength, send me patience, send me hope. It is with a shattered heart that I ask of you to bring us our baby. I know you have a plan but I am hurting. I cannot take this any more. Please God, take this pain away and if you cannot bring me a baby, bring me peace with where I am in life. Amen.