I'd like to get off the Roller Coaster.

I knew going into this that adoption would have its ups and downs. But, honestly, I felt like I could take it. I mean, infertility has its ups and downs too. But, here I am, after two and a half years on this roller coaster ride, and I'd like to ask to please be let off. Now.

Yeah, I know it's not going to happen, but man, I'm tired, dizzy, and outright scared. Maybe I even have to pee; but, there isn't anyway off this one. Not until there is a baby crying in the bedroom next to mine and I sleepily get out of my bed at 2am to soothe them.

This week I have spent a total of 7 hours with a social worker. I have driven 320 miles between work, and our appointments/classes out of town for the adoption (and its only Wednesday). I have had a good conversation with our birth family, and a conversation that made me question whether our birth mom was still in this. But, as much as I'm yearning for clarity, and sureness that it will all work out I don't have it. I won't have it until that baby is born and we're able to take him/her home. Period. Actually, even after that the next thirty days are uncertain.

I will leave you with this: We have learned an awful lot about adopting kids in foster care over the past couple weeks. We've learned that we can adopt a baby (not a newborn though) through the foster care system and become parents that way as well. It has its uncertainties, but it also has its benefits. So, we continue to learn, and to complete our massive home study (see updated to-do list), one day at a time. I hope that somehow we find the path we're supposed to be on.