Mother's Day, Finally

Tomorrow is Mother's Day, and for the first time, I will be celebrated as a mother, too.

How amazing. How blessed I am to be here, living my life, just as it always was, but with two precious little girls. Thank you God.

I cannot help but be in a place of reflection tonight. Of all that I had to endure, and all that I got to experience on this journey to motherhood. In hindsight it's all nothing short of a miraculous journey. It was all meant to be really, but going through it was grueling. I was actually getting out all my spring and summer tops and dresses, and noticing how much of what I own is black and grey. How much of my nail polish is dark. Until a few months ago, I had no light. I had been stripped of my shining soul and in it's place was a dark hole. But now, I feel like I'm in a forest surrounded by tall trees, and the light is shining down through the branches onto me. I am renewed. My spirit is found.

When we started trying to have a baby in July 2009, our first daughter was already born. In December of 2009, when I lost our first biological child, our daughters birth mother was nine months pregnant with our youngest. She gave birth three weeks later. That first mother's day since I had decided to be a mother was horrible. I didn't get out of bed. I grieved the loss of my baby, but little did I know my daughters were already here.

I was a mother to my biological child for eight weeks. Unfortunately she never found her way to my uterus.

Last summer, (August 2011) I became a mother for the second time. A teenage girl was carrying a baby she intended to allow my husband and I to parent. I got to be that baby's mommy until she was twenty weeks gestation. I was "expecting" her for 11 weeks. If I hadn't of been her mommy during that time, she would have been aborted. This young lady got the chance to be a mom because of my husband and I. What an amazing gift to give to her. I gave her the gift of motherhood. Though my own womb was empty, and I was deeply saddened when she changed her mind, I knew in my heart I had been "used" (for lack of a better word) for something great.

Then on February 24, 2012 I became a mommy for the third time. Two little girls were looking for a family, and they found one.

Tears pour down my face as I reminisc of all that has been. All months of trying for a baby, all the months of feeling more emptiness than I'd ever imagined, all led me here. My life is changed. I understand the perils of infertility and loss, the uncertainty of adoption, and knowing that I want more children at some point, I'm still afraid. But it's not up to me, it's truly God's will. He will take care of me, of my family, of my life.

But yes my friends, this year, I'm a mommy.

Lastly, I'd like to say HAPPY MOTHERS DAY to all of you other mommy's out there. What an amazing job, huh? And to everyone reading this that wants to be a mommy but isn't ready yet, hasn't found a partner yet, or hasn't conceived despite trying. I'm here to tell you (as much as you want to punch me in the face for saying it- I know I always did when people said to me but.....) your day will come. It might not be when or what you are expecting now, but it will be. I promise.

Transitions

Hello from mommy of two land. Today was a special day for the girls, it was their first day of preschool. I began looking and daycare/preschool options about a month ago knowing that my return to work was looming in the not so distant future. I literally checked out every preschool in my town. I price compared, went back and forth, and finally made a choice. I chose a childcare "center" rather than in home daycare because I feel like having an entire building devoted to kid play was important. I also think there are lots of distractions when working from home, like phone calls, cleaning the bathroom- things I get wrapped up in instead of playing with the kids. I chose a preschool very close to our house, it's actually just behind our backyard. This is convienent and helped a lot with the girls peace of mind because they can stand at our back fence and see the kids playing outside.

This preschool is structured, has a curriculum and play times, and has many different activities as the seasons change. I love the teachers, and they were very open to and knowledgeable about kids who are being adopted. Win win.

I was nervous to drop the girls off this morning, as this day marks the beginning of a lot of change for them, and I pray their little brains and hearts can embrace it without much fear. When I dropped them off, I'd planned on staying, but they went right into playing with other kids, so I kissed them goodbye- mind you they didn't kiss or hug back- and left. I was more upset than they were, clearly.

This is a relief but it also makes me sad. The reason this is so easy for them isn't because I'm the luckiest mommy in the world. I wish. It's because these little girls have lived through a lot of transition, and they are used to being put in the new place, and having to make the best of it. They are independant beause they've had to be. Knowing this truth breaks my heart. I know somewhere inside, they're both grieving the homes they've lost, the caregivers they've lost, and the friends they made and had to leave behind. Even when they are laughing and giggling for hours on end, I know the pain is in there, somewhere.

When they first came to me our four year-old would talk about her prior two homes and say that she "never wants to go back to ______'s house." I know this is her defense mechanism, as these home's weren't bad places. But if she makes herself believe they were, then the loss is easier to handle. I get it.

All I can do everyday is pray that God can give them the tools and support they need to grieve their losses, and be able to embrace their new life. All I can do is rock them to sleep when they've had an emotional day, and show them my love for them is real, and endless. I pray that the girls can see our hearts are true, and we are committed to being their parents, forever.

I said earlier that there is a lot of change happening. They are going to preschool two mornings a week, and will continue their gymnastics class twice a week. This gives them something to do everyday Monday-Thursday. I go back to work two weeks from today (cringe), so they will be home with dad when they are not at preschool. I hope to be home in the mid afternoon as much as I can (I can go into work early to allow for this) but it just depends on if I have meetings, etc.

It's going to be a big struggle for me to hand the reins over to my husband. I am a complete control freak and have the girls on a strict schedule. I believe this schedule is what manages their anxiety about being in another new home, and hope he can be open minded to keeping his schedule the same for a while.

Throught it all I will breathe, and pray.

Well Said...Enough Said

I cannot summarize how life has changed any better than this blogging mama:
Read and enjoy!
http://thefrozenmoon.com/2012/04/11/a-perfect-mess/

Don't Drink and Clean up Bath Toys

It was Sunday night, and we'd had a great sunny day here. We had been playing outside, working in the yard, and washing cars. Something hits me when the sun comes out, and I feel giddy. But when the sun is shining I always want some country music playing loud on the stereo, and a cocktail in my hand...

My at home bar is not well stocked, I never remember to pick up alcohol and mixers when at the grocery store. This is probably because I've got two impatient kids in the cart yearning to go play. So, on this day, as we started to barbeque dinner, I assessed my options: vodka, wine, and an array of soda or juice. Hmmmm. Vodka and ginger ale sounded fantastic. I poured myself a double and drank away.

By the girls bathtime I was tipsy. I don't drink often so I've become a light weight. They bathed, and I sat and sipped the remainder of my beverage. What a great day.

When the girls got out of the tub, my 3 year-old had to pee. So she naturally tracked water all over the bathroom floor while walking her sopping wet self to the toilet. I came along later, dried them off, and while they got their jammies on I went on my nightly mission to fish the bath toys out of the tub. We have a Boon frog, which I absolutely love. If you have kids that take baths with toys you need one of these. It's a storage system that looks like a frog, and the storage "bin" comes off and acts as a scoop, so you can scoop up toys floating in water.

So full picture: tipsy mom, wet bathroom floor, bathtub full of water and toys. I grabbed my scoop and reached to get the toys.....of course you know what happened next: my ass fell in. Fully clothed, hit my leg, flipped over, and landed on my bootylicious (not fat, bootylicious) ass into the soapy toy filled bath water.

I called for my husband, cause I couldn't get up from the position I was in. He comes in, points, laughs, goes and gets the kids and the video camera and comes back to laugh some more. Finally he helped me out.

Don't drink and pick up bath toys. Your family will laugh at you, they will record it, and you will have a HUGE bruise on your right thigh. Seriously, my leg actually throbs right now due to this bruise.

Bath tub: 1, Mom: 0.

If you are interested in the Boon frog, here's a link: http://www.toysrus.com/product/index.jsp?productId=2404626&prodFindSrc=search

Illness

So...here's a gem of information that I did not know. When kids get sick, they go down FAST and scare the crap out of you.

Good to know. Where the hell was that nugget of advice in the FOUR parenting books I read? Nowhere.

So yesterday, my 4 year-old woke up after having a nagging cough all night. No big deal. By mid morning, her cough was annoying me, quite honestly, and she wasn't her usual sassy rambunctious self. It was nice that all she wanted to do was lay around, but I knew it wasn't normal. I called her pediatrician, told his nurse the story, and she gave me a prescription for cough medicine with codeine for her to take a night. Thanks lady, you're a saint. Because I didn't sleep AT ALL the night before due to the coughing, and neither had my daughter.

As the day went on she was OK, but after nap she starting really not feeling well, I don't think. The girls go to gymnastics on Wednesday afternoons, I told her she should stay home with dad while her sister and I went, that didn't go over well. So we all went to gymnastics, where she huffed and puffed through it, I thought- greeeat, my kids going to go into respiratory arrest for all to see. Nice. But it wasn't like I was going to pull her out mid class, she would throw a fit which would be loud AND embarrassing.

After dinner, which she did not eat a bite of, she really started breathing hard. Like, if she were an adult patient at work, I'd be calling for some serious help. Her little belly was puffing out with each breath and she was working harder than usual to breathe. I know the symptoms of pediatric respiratory distress thanks to my very good nursing school memory...and she didn't have any. But, it was getting later....and I wasn't about to hit the ER at 2am so I called my experienced mommy friend and made her listen to my peanut breathe through the phone....she calmed me down and said to do what I'd been doing and wait it out.

So, last night, I gave her the robitussin with codeine, put a humidifer in her room, vicks rubbed her chest and propped her up on two pillows. She did fine, and slept all night. I did not. I woke up every hour to check on her, make sure she was still breathing, etc, etc. Over reactive mother syndrome. I never knew I'd worry like this but .... shocking.... here we are.

This morning she is doing much better, and I have quietly given myself the "your a good mommy" award for my efforts.

Jeez, kids can really affect your sleep, even when they're snoring away!

Parenting

Hi everyone, I know I've been lacking on my posts, but I cannot believe how busy I am. I never knew that being a stay-at-home mom was such a crazy job. And challenging. The days fly by, and I can't even get my own to-do list done for the day. I'm managing to keep the house fairly clean, and I make all three meals a day (we quickly realized that taking a family of four out to eat is both a chore and expensive), and best of all, at the end of each day, I have happy kids that hug, and kiss me goodnight.

You know how we call it "practicing medicine" because it truly is a trial and error process? Well they should call it "practicing parenting" too. I don't always know what is going to work for these girls. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I don't know them that well. Let's be honest. Most people carry their kid for nine months, get to plan how things are going to go in their mind. Then, the kid comes out, doesn't do a whole lot except eat, sleep, and poop. You fall in love. Then they cry more and sleep less, but they start to smile, and coo. Their first words are usually either "mama" or "dada" and by then you are in love.

Once they start walking they are super cute and have just enough hair for you to do a little style. Everyone is still pretty much in love with them, family and friends were around a ton when you left the hospital, and though their home visits have dwindled your little one is still the center of attention. As they start to become more mobile you are constantly saying "no-no" to them in a loving voice, they learn what you will and will not allow from before they even know how to talk.

By the time the terrible two's and three's hit, you are so in love with them, and know them so well that you grumble through it. Well ladies, this is where my journey began. My three year old is sassy, and sometimes bites and hits to try to achieve her goal. My four year old has moved into the smart misbehavior. This means she knows what to say and do to try and manipulate her way out of trouble. Guess what? I'm lucky because these behaviors are normal for their age group. I'm unlucky because on top of their developmental frustrations, I'm learning how to manage them without knowing these kids very well. All in all? I'm getting it. We've been trying different techniques and consequences to get the girls to follow the rules we want them to follow. But, sadly, they've had lots of different expectations in their short lives, and they're adjusting too.

Some days are grueling, and some are amazing. But that's parenthood. When I get overwhelmed I stop and say to myself "parenting is supposed to be fun, so relax, take this moment for what it is and move forward." A friend of mine gave me a great book suggestion about caring for kids who've not been in your home since birth. She adopted children at the same ages as mine, and has had the same struggles. It's called "Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline: 7 basic steps to turning conflict into cooperation" by, Becky Bailey. I have also read "Love and Logic." These books are great in theory, but let's be honest, sometimes you don't control your anger, and you yell and send your kid to time out. That's life. All I can ever do is be the best mommy I can be, and make the best decision I can in any given moment.

Here are a few things I've learned:

Don't get upset and reprimand your child until you ask them why they chose to do a certain thing. My four year old put toilet paper in the bathtub with her the other night. I was so mad....it's a mess to clean up when wet. But, I asked her "why" and she said, "because I peed in the tub and had to wipe." Well that's actually a good answer. She didn't get in trouble, but she had to clean it up.

Distraction works wonders. If an altercation between the kids is about to happen, or they're heading to do something that is going to get them in trouble, distract them. "look out the window, what's that" or "do you want to take small steps or big steps out of the mud?" these are ways to achieve the goal you want without having to yell or say NO.

Do-overs are helpful. If the kids don't treat each other respectfully, and one pushes the other one out of the way, I'll say "do-over" and make them go back and do it the right way. One will use her words instead of pushing and say, "please move" and then the other one will. I try to teach.

Be consistent. I follow the same schedule each day. They eat at the same times, sleep at the same time, had a bedtime and morning routine. I also discipline consistently for the same issue. Hitting always gets a time out. Tantrums will always get the kids sent to their rooms. I see less of these things, cause they know the punishment.

Ignore the negatives, praise the positive. If one is doing the right thing, and the other is not, I pay A LOT of attention to the one doing the right thing, and ignore the other one. This way they don't attention seek by doing bad things.

That's my bag o tricks for now. Sometimes nothing works. Then I breathe, and pray.

Prayers

Every night at dinner before we eat, the girls say their prayer. They always say the same thing, and they learned it somewhere else, because they've done it since their first night here. Their prayer goes: "Thank you God for giving us food, Amen." We've tried to ask them what else they can thank God for, but they don't really understand. We get answers like, "my scooter" or some other random toy.

Last night was different. I sat down with the girls for dinner (my husband wasn't home). I asked them to say their prayer before they ate, and my four year-old said: "Thank you God for giving us food, and for giving us mommy, Amen." My eyes welled up with tears, and I thought my heart was going to burst with the love I felt for these kids in this moment. I got up, picked her up in my arms in a big hug, and said, "you just tickled mommy's heart, I love you so much." Of course then the 3 year-old said the same prayer, and she got hugs and love too.

It's amazing how difficult motherhood truly is. I never realized how tough it can be. But, it's these moments that make us all thankful for having kids. What a wonder they are.

(some one elses angel, not mine)