It's been two days since our adoption fell apart. And, through spending time together, drinking wine, cooking meals and hitting up McDonalds (comfort food) we've done a lot of thinking, and praying.
I am so sad but then again, I am also grateful.
Grateful that this happened now, instead of after the baby was born.
Grateful that for the past two months we got to experience what it feels like to expect a baby. And, it was the most amazing feeling.
I know I'll get through this, I just have to feel it. If there is one thing I've learned over the past two years it's how to be strong, and move on with my life even when my heart hurts.
The heart ache of wanting to be a mommy is so painful, especially this time of year. Christmas decorations come out, parents are taking kids to pumpkin patches and picking out costumes all over Facebook. Two years ago I thought I was having my last holiday season without a baby, boy, was I wrong. So, here I am, bracing myself for (hopefully the last) one more Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas without a baby.
Breathe in, breathe out, right foot forward, than the left.
"Life isn't what it's supposed to be. It's what it is. It's how you cope with it that makes the difference."
Sunday, October 16, 2011
Friday, October 14, 2011
Things Fall Apart
Holy shit, yes, they do.
Today, two hours before we were supposed to leave for the airport and catch our plane, we got a loooong text message on my phone:
Our birth mom has decided to keep her baby.
Her timing was horrid, and her mode of delivery even worse. But, ultimately, it is her choice. So, we cancelled our rent-a-car, hotel room and plane tickets. Luckily, we're only out the cost for one night at the hotel, and some of our ticket cost, and we now have vouchers to fly back to see my family for Christmas.
Yes, I'm reaching for silver lining here.
As of yesterday I had spoken with our birth mom twice this week, we had great chats, and had even planned a gender ultrasound for Saturday, to find out all together. But, apparently this morning something changed, or maybe it changed a while ago, and she didn't want to have to break our hearts.
Well, my heart is broken. I feel like I have lost our second baby. I am so devastated at how this journey to motherhood has gone so far, I cannot put it in to words.
If you pray, pray for me to be strong. Pray for me to some how pull together happiness for our friends who delivered a healthy baby boy today. Pray that someday soon my our baby will find their way home, because I cannot be strong like this forever.
Today, two hours before we were supposed to leave for the airport and catch our plane, we got a loooong text message on my phone:
Our birth mom has decided to keep her baby.
Her timing was horrid, and her mode of delivery even worse. But, ultimately, it is her choice. So, we cancelled our rent-a-car, hotel room and plane tickets. Luckily, we're only out the cost for one night at the hotel, and some of our ticket cost, and we now have vouchers to fly back to see my family for Christmas.
Yes, I'm reaching for silver lining here.
As of yesterday I had spoken with our birth mom twice this week, we had great chats, and had even planned a gender ultrasound for Saturday, to find out all together. But, apparently this morning something changed, or maybe it changed a while ago, and she didn't want to have to break our hearts.
Well, my heart is broken. I feel like I have lost our second baby. I am so devastated at how this journey to motherhood has gone so far, I cannot put it in to words.
If you pray, pray for me to be strong. Pray for me to some how pull together happiness for our friends who delivered a healthy baby boy today. Pray that someday soon my our baby will find their way home, because I cannot be strong like this forever.
Thursday, October 13, 2011
Tomorrow!
It's finally here! We leave tomorrow for our trip to meet our birth mom. I am over-the-moon excited. I hope this weekend goes amazing. I hope we get to find out our baby's gender, and most importantly, I hope we can bond with our birth mom. I already adore her, and when I talked with her on the phone last night we were both absolutely giddy to hang out in the same room.
Thank you, God. You brought us here, and we are so grateful.
Now, let our dreams take flight (literally).
Thank you, God. You brought us here, and we are so grateful.
Now, let our dreams take flight (literally).
Monday, October 10, 2011
Here comes the Sun (I hope)
A very dear friend of mine sent this to me today.
She wrote, "I've heard this song three times today and it made me think of you."
I love her, she is the best friend anyone could ever ask for. And, here is what she sent.
I hope she is right.....
She wrote, "I've heard this song three times today and it made me think of you."
I love her, she is the best friend anyone could ever ask for. And, here is what she sent.
I hope she is right.....
Saturday, October 8, 2011
6 days!
In six days we leave to go and meet our birth mom, and her family. I am elated! And nervous! It's so funny, but it feels like a first date. I mean, what if she doesn't like me. Or us. Ok, I've offically re-entered 7th grade by making that comment. But, really. I mean, I'd be pretty darn critical if I was going to give someone my baby, my flesh and blood. And, those of you that know me know I'm a little nutty sometimes, sarcasm is my best friend, and humor a close second.
My husband keeps reminding me that I "get along with everyone." I kind of have to be personable, being a nurse and all, but still- I need HER to like me. Ahhhh pressure...pushin down on me....(sing 90's throwback song in your head here).
It's not as big of a deal as I'm making it sound, because we've spoken on the phone a lot, and texted even more, so it's not like I'm a stranger. But, there is something so real about sitting in a room with someone and getting to see their body language, demeanor, and here them talk.
I'm sort of sizing her and her family up to. I mean, once I meet them I'm hoping to gain some security that this really is going to happen. That they really are invested in this adoption. There are also a lot of topics that need to be covered over the next few months between us. For example, how open will this adoption be? What will happen at the hospital? Will we get together again before baby is born?
In "homestudy" news, we passed therapy. She'll be writing up and sending out her letter to the agency this week. My husband is taking his first aid class this afternoon, and we both got our cholesterol drawn last week. Yes, I just said cholesterol. You have to have a reasonable reading to adopt a child. And yes, I did whine and throw a fit about it to my doctor who reminded me that I was not being irrational. Because, one third of pregnant women out there wouldn't ace a cholesterol test.
Sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeesh!
Eeeek I'm so excited! C'mon Friday!
Disclaimer: yes I do realize this post is a little bi-polar. Sorry.
My husband keeps reminding me that I "get along with everyone." I kind of have to be personable, being a nurse and all, but still- I need HER to like me. Ahhhh pressure...pushin down on me....(sing 90's throwback song in your head here).
It's not as big of a deal as I'm making it sound, because we've spoken on the phone a lot, and texted even more, so it's not like I'm a stranger. But, there is something so real about sitting in a room with someone and getting to see their body language, demeanor, and here them talk.
I'm sort of sizing her and her family up to. I mean, once I meet them I'm hoping to gain some security that this really is going to happen. That they really are invested in this adoption. There are also a lot of topics that need to be covered over the next few months between us. For example, how open will this adoption be? What will happen at the hospital? Will we get together again before baby is born?
In "homestudy" news, we passed therapy. She'll be writing up and sending out her letter to the agency this week. My husband is taking his first aid class this afternoon, and we both got our cholesterol drawn last week. Yes, I just said cholesterol. You have to have a reasonable reading to adopt a child. And yes, I did whine and throw a fit about it to my doctor who reminded me that I was not being irrational. Because, one third of pregnant women out there wouldn't ace a cholesterol test.
Sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeesh!
Eeeek I'm so excited! C'mon Friday!
Disclaimer: yes I do realize this post is a little bi-polar. Sorry.
Sunday, October 2, 2011
This Weeks Agenda
There is a lot going on in adoption paperwork land. And, this week is no exception.
Monday: Dr's appointment to sort out the parts of our physicals that weren't filled out initially. I have an appointment without my husband and I am hoping and praying he won't have to make one, too.
Tuesday: We get to go to therapy so a licensed therapist can ask us questions that have been given to her by our social worker. A therapist has to sign off that we are ... um, stable? I don't really know what word to use, but basically they have to say we're OK to adopt. Why? Because we both have one parent with substance abuse issues, we had a sudden death in our family last year, and we've struggled with infertility and a pregnancy loss. Jeez, when you bring up all that stuff maybe we are unfit! LOL.
Saturday: My husband takes First Aid. Something that I had to plead my case about, because they were trying to require that I take it too. Um, hello? I'm an RN, so I'm pretty sure I can do basic first aid. It was finally decided that my RN license would be adequate.
Also this week: my husband has to get a TB test, he just had one last February, even nurses only need one once a year, but in adoption world you have to of had one in the past six months (insert groan here). We also have to find a basic water rescue class. All adoptive parents in our state have to take one if their child will be swimming during the time before the adoption finalizes. So basically, if my baby is going to be in a body of water other than the bath tub we have to take this class. It's really no big deal except NO ONE is offering them because its fall. So, I put our name in at a place about 1.5 hrs from here, They need four more participants before they'll hold a class.
Busy, busy! We leave in 12 days to meet our birth mom and her family. I am so excited. I cannot wait to give her the biggest hug ever, and maybe feel our baby kick! Also, hopefully we'll be able to find out the sex.
Monday: Dr's appointment to sort out the parts of our physicals that weren't filled out initially. I have an appointment without my husband and I am hoping and praying he won't have to make one, too.
Tuesday: We get to go to therapy so a licensed therapist can ask us questions that have been given to her by our social worker. A therapist has to sign off that we are ... um, stable? I don't really know what word to use, but basically they have to say we're OK to adopt. Why? Because we both have one parent with substance abuse issues, we had a sudden death in our family last year, and we've struggled with infertility and a pregnancy loss. Jeez, when you bring up all that stuff maybe we are unfit! LOL.
Saturday: My husband takes First Aid. Something that I had to plead my case about, because they were trying to require that I take it too. Um, hello? I'm an RN, so I'm pretty sure I can do basic first aid. It was finally decided that my RN license would be adequate.
Also this week: my husband has to get a TB test, he just had one last February, even nurses only need one once a year, but in adoption world you have to of had one in the past six months (insert groan here). We also have to find a basic water rescue class. All adoptive parents in our state have to take one if their child will be swimming during the time before the adoption finalizes. So basically, if my baby is going to be in a body of water other than the bath tub we have to take this class. It's really no big deal except NO ONE is offering them because its fall. So, I put our name in at a place about 1.5 hrs from here, They need four more participants before they'll hold a class.
Busy, busy! We leave in 12 days to meet our birth mom and her family. I am so excited. I cannot wait to give her the biggest hug ever, and maybe feel our baby kick! Also, hopefully we'll be able to find out the sex.
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
Adoption Lords: 1 Me: 0
I was a good girl - rallied- and got our fingerprint papers and our physicals turned in at our last class last night. I was so proud.
Then today I got a call:
My physician didn't fill out the "eyes, ears, and nose" portion of the physical. He also needs to get a urine sample analysis for each of us, and check both of our cholesterol. ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME? He had left those tests out because he didn't think they were necessary, as we are both healthy adults. But, the adoption lords seem to think that we need them to parent. So, now I get to take the form back to the doctor, pay for another appointment, and hopefully go through the forms line by line with our doctor. Then, get lab slips for the above tests for both of us, and get those done.
I'm freaking out a little.
Last night I learned this timeline:
ALL paperwork and finger print results from the FBI, ect must be turned into the agency BEFORE a social worker is assigned for final visits.
Time for fingerprint return: 4-8 weeks
Time for homestudy to finish once paperwork done: 6-8 weeks
Time for homestudy to be released once finished: 4-6 weeks
So at maximum this could take: 22 weeks. Baby Due: 22 weeks & 4 days.
Am I panicking? YES.
So we are going to be working very hard to get our remaining documents complete while we wait for our fingerprints to come back. Then, we are going to be very flexible when the social worker calls us to get our appointments with her out of the way so she can write our home study. Then we are going to pray that the final release only takes a short time, not 4-6 weeks as outlined. Because, it would be pretty lame to not be able to take our baby home once he/she's born due to paperwork.
I'm off to get a paper bag to breathe into now.
Then today I got a call:
My physician didn't fill out the "eyes, ears, and nose" portion of the physical. He also needs to get a urine sample analysis for each of us, and check both of our cholesterol. ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME? He had left those tests out because he didn't think they were necessary, as we are both healthy adults. But, the adoption lords seem to think that we need them to parent. So, now I get to take the form back to the doctor, pay for another appointment, and hopefully go through the forms line by line with our doctor. Then, get lab slips for the above tests for both of us, and get those done.
I'm freaking out a little.
Last night I learned this timeline:
ALL paperwork and finger print results from the FBI, ect must be turned into the agency BEFORE a social worker is assigned for final visits.
Time for fingerprint return: 4-8 weeks
Time for homestudy to finish once paperwork done: 6-8 weeks
Time for homestudy to be released once finished: 4-6 weeks
So at maximum this could take: 22 weeks. Baby Due: 22 weeks & 4 days.
Am I panicking? YES.
So we are going to be working very hard to get our remaining documents complete while we wait for our fingerprints to come back. Then, we are going to be very flexible when the social worker calls us to get our appointments with her out of the way so she can write our home study. Then we are going to pray that the final release only takes a short time, not 4-6 weeks as outlined. Because, it would be pretty lame to not be able to take our baby home once he/she's born due to paperwork.
I'm off to get a paper bag to breathe into now.
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