The RE (Reproductive Endocrinologist) Appointment

Today was the day that my husband and I met our fertility specialist, aka RE. The experience began in the waiting room. There was quite a selection of magazines in the office, one of which caught my eye: Conceive magazine. (www.conceiveonline.com). Well, hello there long lost reading friend. I enjoyed so much looking through that magazine that if it alone would have been my appointment it still would have been worth the 90 minute drive to get there.

Our RE was very kind and attentive to detail. He remembered my history without flipping through the documents I sent him, he encouraged questions and provided explanations for his thoughts. We really, really like him. He is not only a fertility specialist but someone who has struggled with infertility as a patient. It meant a lot to us to have a doctor who knows what we're going through on a personal level.

After talking with him I did feel a little hopeless. He didn't offer an exact "plan of action" because after reading my history he is concerned that many of my signs and symptoms (late, irregular ovulation, months without ovulation, lack of pregnancy, acne, and miscarriage) are pointing toward polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS). This is one of the leading causes of infertility and is a condition where many small cysts form on the ovary causing an hormonal imbalance which may lead to infertility.

Also, (though we were told otherwise by our other doctor) he stated that my husbands semen analysis was borderline normal, his number of sperm was excellent, but the morphology was borderline. This means that though he has enough sperm, many of them don't swim the way they are supposed to. So my husband is having another semen analysis performed so that our RE can look at it himself.

So, more tests for both of us. For me it's an AMH test which is the anti-mullarian hormone test for egg reserve. If the level is high, its indicative of PCOS, if its low it means that I have low egg reserve, so we need to act now and pull out all the stops, as my time is limited in being able to release a good egg.

We're both really nervous. We both want to have a baby more than ever, and even the specialist seems concerned. Say a prayer for us.

Blog Design

I discovered this layout when playing with my blog design and found it very appropriate. All the TTC stuff is clear but the rest of the picture (analogy my life) is a bit blurry! Perfect, right.

Also, I have added a key for some of the frequently used fertility abbreviations. I would like to thank a friend of mine, Pam for this great idea.

I also stumbled across this picture and had to share:

Clomid Chronicles: Take 2, and who am I kidding, 3

So, the second cycle started, and due to a scheduling conflict with my Dr. I was not able to get into see him until cycle day 5. Meaning that I didn’t get to start my Clomid on the usual day 4, I started a day late. I was supposed to see him on a Monday, they told me Friday night to call Monday morning and get an appointment. Well guess what? President’s day was that Monday and his mother effing office was closed. Did I freak out? You bet your ass I did. Finally, the prior month I had ovulated on a normal day. I wanted another month of a normal length cycle….and now someone was throwing a speed bump into my plan. Oh, I cannot tell you how I sobbed, I was so upset. You cannot take a woman who is desperate for a baby, throw in some hormones and then mess up the schedule.

It ended up being fine, I went in that Tuesday got my check up (they check for cysts each time you complete a cycle because that’s a risk with Clomid) and started my meds that night. My doctor assured me that taking the medication a day late would only make a day or so difference in my ovulation.

Guess what? It seemed to make a huge difference. I didn’t ovulate at all on this second cycle. That was another tailspin of emotions, I never got a positive ovulation stick, and then my progesterone on day 24 was only 2.4. What the f**k? Who doesn’t ovulate when taking meds to make them ovulate, that’d be this girl folks. Yep.

Oddly enough something became clear to me on this cycle: That maybe there had been months all along I wasn’t ovulating. I mean, before I started working with a doctor I had months where I never really had that fertile (aka egg white) cervical mucus, and never got a positive ovulation stick. Maybe this was the problem.

The whole situation spun out of control when I started my next cycle, for 13 days (yes 13);I had my period off and on. I started Clomid at 100mg on day 4 as planned, but after all the abnormal bleeding my doctor told me that this was probably not going to be my month, so he wasn’t going to monitor me. Great. Clomid 100mg was horrid! The side effects doubled and I felt like crap the whole time I took it, and a week later I was still up at night with hot flashes. I felt really frustrated that he wasn’t going to monitor me because I had put myself through those meds once again. So, I am doing what any avid TTC’er would do, I’m doing my ovulation predictor kit’s and monitoring my other fertile signs to see if I can detect ovulation anyway. Its sorta inconclusive at this point, but its also what keeps me moderately sane.

"Hurry up, and wait. So close but so far away. Everything that you've ever dreamed of close enough for you to taste, but you just can't touch." - Jordin Sparks

HPT, FRER, TWEAKING: A Lesson In Pregnancy Tests

Testing to see if you are pregnant is pretty easy. Pee on stick, let it sit for the allotted time, and then look at the results. For the non trying to conceive this seems simple. You miss a period, you take a test. But for those of us who are trying to get pregnant testing becomes an addiction. I admit I was a POASaholic(POAS= pee on a stick) at one point, but have since moved on because those damn things aren’t cheap! And, getting a negative is about the most horrible let down there is, especially if you are testing early, because it could just be that you aren’t pregnant enough yet.

Home pregnancy testing is all about options, there are several brands of pregnancy tests out there, some are even digital now and very plainly read either “pregnant” or “not pregnant.” There is a first response digitalthat says “yes” or “no.” But most of them either give you one line, or two, either side by side vertical lines or a plus sign vs. a minus result.

Different brands of tests have different sensitivities. Some pick up the pregnancy hormone (HCG) earlier than others. Here is my list after some internet research:

First Response Early Result- 6.3 mlU
Internet cheapie tests (Amazon, early-pregnancy-test.com- 10 mlU
Dollar tree and dollar store test – 25 mlU
Answer brand- 25 mlU
First Response Rapid Result- 50-100 mlU
Accuclear- 25-50mlU
Equate (Wal Mart brand) - 25-50 mlU
First response digital- 25-50

So, most women I’ve met who are trying to conceive use FRER’s or First response early result pregnancy tests because they are the most sensitive. They can give positives as early as 10 days post ovulation. These are usually very faint positives. But there’s more, you can go onto any online support for trying to conceive and get your pregnancy test tweaked turning this:

Into this:

Amazing right? Can also be damaging because tweaking a test plays with the light and color saturation, but sometimes digital pictures alone have pixel changes with tweaking which will create a non existent line….so it can be a way to give false hope.

This website gives you the low-down on tweaking: http://www.amandabears.com/heartstweaking-tests.html This site is also a great resource for all your TTC needs! This girl has done her homework. And after 17 cycles of trying she finally did conceive, and go on to deliver a healthy baby boy a few months ago.

Another interesting site is: http://www.peeonastick.com/, Yep that’s right! If you just look and Google, it’s amazing what you can find! The resources are almost damaging, they can turn the curious babymaker in to a full on baby making addict

PS: This is a NO JUDGEMENT ZONE! Be respectful. I’m just telling it like it is.

The Clomid Chronicles: Part One

Clomid is the first line of defense for ovulatory dysfunction, which to date is my infertility diagnosis. Huh? That means that I ovulate irregularly, and often late in my cycle. This is problematic because I may not be releasing strong enough eggs, and my uterine lining is older at the time when implantation would be occurring, thereby making it difficult for an embryo to implant.

So, after all the tests were done the first line of treatment was to give me Clomid. This is a medication that makes a woman ovulate in a timely manner. And, it makes for a strong, healthy ovulation. The first question my family asked me was if I was going to be like Nadia the octo-mom. The answer is no. I do have a 10% chance of having twins, but that’s it, and that’s enough.

Clomid is taken for five days at the beginning of your cycle when follicles begin to develop, and it basically increases FSH (follicular stimulating hormone) to make eggs grow faster. I take it on cycle days 4-8. In mid January I took my first round of Clomid, at its lowest dose 50mg. On cycle day 15 I got that wonderful happy face (see ovulation predictor kit post). Then a week later I got my progesterone drawn to make sure that I did in fact ovulate, and I did. But, I didn’t get pregnant.

Clomid blocks estrogen, which is just super because that means it causes many of the same side effects as menopause. This includes mood swings and hot flashes. Let me just say HOLY MOTHER OF GOD does it cause hot flashes. I felt like I was going to burst into flames sometimes. Once at work I literally ran to the sink and put a cold, wet paper towel on the back of my neck. While doing this I actually looked down to make sure that my feet were not on fire. I never knew the magnitude of hot flashes until I met clomid. So, I would like to formerly apologize to my mother and grandmother for anytime I made fun of their hot flashes.

Mood swings, ha. My poor husband. I even felt it at work, when a patient would get on my last nerve and I was literally grinding my teeth to not say something out of line. It was and still is a challenge to kep my hormonal rages to myself!

Again, the first round was unsuccessful, I was on to round 2.

Worrying

Sorry I haven't posted in a week! I've had family here from out of town, and the weather the past few days has been amazing. I have been busy working in the garden, planting lots of colorful flowers to take care of over the next few months, and hopefully get my mind of the baby train! Yeah right!

Tonight I watched Army Wives episode from last week (Season 5, episode 5). You can view it on lifetimetv.com if you are interested.

Anyway, in this episode a mother loses her son. It was really emotional to watch. I recently lost my sister in a car accident and I cannot tell you the amount of pain such a loss causes. Tonight, when the show finished I hit my knees. I prayed that I would never have to bury a child. This must be the most devastating of all losses. To grow a child in your womb, protect them inside of your body, and attempt to protect them on the outside and then lose them. My heart melts thinking of the crater that now resides in my mothers chest, "ain't even grey but she buries her baby." - The Band Perry

Teardrops aside, I have a point. Someday I will get pregnant, I know I will, I have faith I will. Then what? Worry. Right now I am worried about conceiving a baby, once I do that I will be frantic worrying about miscarriage, then once I feel the little one moving inside me I will start worrying about labor. When I finally have the baby I will worry about him or her non stop, everyday, always. As a parent I know you have to sit back and let your child find out that their heart will get broken, friends will hurt their feelings, they will at any given point feel sad, angry....like their not good enough. Is there a book on this?

Aw, I have so much to learn.

Kokopelli

Kokopelli is a fertility God. He was founded by the Native American culture in the southwest of the United States. Hopi legend says that this humpback flute player carries unborn children on his back to distribute to women. He also takes part in marriages, and supports agriculture by using his flute playing to chase away winter and bring in spring.

                                                                     (not my photo)
My sister loved the Kokopelli symbol. When she was 16 she tattooed a pink and black Kokopelli on her shoulder. The following Christmas I bought her a silver Kokopelli necklace with a turqouis stone in the middle. Unfortunately, she passed away unexpectedly this past September, but during what turned out to be our last phone conversation Kokopelli came up. My sister knew my fertility troubles, and she knew how badly I wanted a baby. She had only recently (yes, AFTER getting the tattoo) learned what Kokopelli meant. My sister said, "I don't want kids, and you really want them, so I am going to send the necklace you gave to me back to you, so you can wear it and hopefully it will bring you a baby." We laughed about it, but I was willing to try anything. Unfortunately she never got that necklace in the mail, but when I went to her room after she died it was hanging on the wall. So I put it on.

My sisters dad found a great hand painted and etched Kokopelli tile on his travels to attend my sisters funeral. He felt like it was a sign from her saying "I'm OK." Weeks later he gave me the tile, told me to put it under my bed and get to work on making that baby! Here's the tile:

It still lives underneath my bed, and I still wear the necklace from time to time. But, I am still waiting to hear the sound of that flute.....