My Birth Story

We went into the hospital at 0600 Wednesday morning. I had two doses of cytotec. The doses didn't really work, and my platelet count was 73K so my doctor wanted to get the baby out. They started me on IV pitocin around noon that day. But, by 11pm I had made little progress. I was only dilated to 2, and the doctor couldn't break my water yet. Because of the pitocin I was definitely feeling the contractions, but I could tolerate them. They turned the pitocin off from 11pm to 4am to let me and my uterus rest. It went back on at 4am, and finally at 12:30 on Thursday they were able to break my water. That morning my platelets were 71k. 

The anesthesiologist came in and talked with my about the possibility of an epidural in case I needed it. The nurses said it would be tough to manage labor with IV pitocin going on top of my natural hormones. By about an hour after he broke my water, shit got real. I have never been in so much pain, no, I've never IMAGINED that kind of pain existed. Anyway, anesthesia had said an epidural would be pretty safe and they would monitor me close when it came out for complications. So, at about 3pm Thursday I got the epidural. I labored into the night, still feeling contractions but they weren't so intense. 

At about midnight (friday AM) I stopped progressing at 6cm. The nurse called the doctor and he said if I didn't progress in the next few hours I would have to go to surgery for a c-section because the baby was starting to have some heart beat accelerations showing us she was getting tired. I lost it. I had been laboring for so long and couldn't imagine it ending in surgery. So, my nurse had me (and my numb thighs) sit up and labor upright for a couple hours. The epidural didnt really help at this point because it was mostly pressure. I felt everything in my pelvis. It hurt but I just breathed through it. 

By 3am I was an 8cm, so that meant I was avoiding the c-section. Finally at 5am Valentines morning (Friday) I was almost to 10cm and started pushing. At 6am my doctor got there, and at 6:33 she was born :) The pushing was so tough. Hardest work Ive ever done and by that point honestly I was so tired I just felt like I couldn't do it. The last couple hours were full of tearful moments but I made it. When I did that final push and then she slid of out of my body there was the greatest most overwhelming feeling of joy and relief. I did it! They put her on my chest and my husband and I were in awe of this little Valentines baby. She was finally here!

48.5 hours from admit to delivery. I wouldn't recommend to anyone to be induced, unless (like me) there is a medical reason. It took a long time because my body wasn't ready for labor. I was disappointed that I got the epidural because I had spent so much time in the past weeks preparing to endure labor without one. But, because we augmented with IV pitocin it became unbearable, and due to the longevity of the labor I was simply too tired to endure the pain without some help. I did not have any complications from the epidural, other than that when they first put it in and started the medication my blood pressure dropped, and so the baby's heart rate dropped and they had to give me some ephedrine to get things back to normal. So, there I was, not feeling a lot of pain but feeling like I'd had 10 cups of coffee. 

When I write and read the story back, I realize it sounds horrific. But, it really wasn't. It was the work I had to do to meet my baby girl, and as she sleeps peacefully beside me while I write this, I know I would do it all again to meet her. There is no moment in my life that I can compare that moment to. It was, quite simply, the best day of my life. 

A Week To Go...

Yep, you read it right. I met with my doctor yesterday and I will be induced on next Wednesday February 12th at 6am. No. this was not a choice I made if you are wondering, that seems to be the million dollar question from the few people I've told. Because the platelets are low, my blood pressure is up a bit, and my placenta is starting to degenerate (not unsafe, but associated with a full term pregnancy) he thinks its best to go ahead to get things started since I will be 39 weeks. My cervix is already almost thinned out and I'm starting to dilate, so I should respond to an induction treatment called "cervical ripening."

Basically, they take a medication and insert it into the vagina near the cervix and monitor you for an hour. Then, once your hour is up, the have you start walking. After three hours, hopefully some regular contractions are starting. If they don't, they repeat the process with a second dose. Hopefully this will kick start you into labor. For me, I really don't want IV pitocin. I think it would make labor too intense and I am going to try and do this without pain medication. (See prior post about epidural and low platelets). So, if the cervical ripening doesn't work, I will just go home and give myself some more time.

Part of me hopes that my some miracle I go into labor between now and next Wednesday. I want this baby to come in her own time. But, the bleeding risk remains and if the platelets fall further I am putting us at risk for bleeding after delivery. I don't want that either. We did an ultrasound yesterday and she looks great. She measured 6 pounds 11 ounces. At 39 weeks she will be considered a full term baby.

I have been doing a lot of reading, and talking with some friends regarding natural child birth, and the more I learn the more passionate I am to go through the labor process without medication. One thing that I have been told and read over and over again is: "trust your body. Let go, give into the pain and let your body do what it knows to do." That is the truth isn't it? I mean, we were MADE to do this. Women have been giving birth for years and years. But, I started really thinking about this idea of "trusting my body" like if my body were a friend or family member. Like it was a relationship that I had with someone. Me and my body, are we BFF's? Has she let me down?

The short answer is no, she hasn't.

My body stood by me when I was born into this world. All my tiny little parts worked together to make my existence happen. She was there when I took my first steps, and fell down, and ran into a sliding glass door to give myself a black eye growing up. She fought every cold, flu, strep throat, ear infection and who knows what else I exposed her to as the years pressed on. When I tried marijuana, alcohol, and even <cringe> ecstasy in my teen years she did not fail me. She got nauseous but she did not fall apart. My body carried me across the stage at my high school graduation, she kept me awake, alert and healthy through college. She gave me butterflies through my first love to my true love, she protected my heart as it healed after relationships that didn't work out. My body continued to thrive as my first pregnancy failed, and she stayed stable through my surgery. My body kept my heart beating, my lungs breathing, and my consciousness intact as I layed eyes on my deceased sister for the first time. She kept me afloat as I somehow gathered up the strength to speak at my sisters funeral. She kept me cool and calm when I met my daughters and brought them home. She has been abundant in carrying this pregnancy for me.

My body has never failed me yet. Why wouldn't I trust her? Why would I doubt her ability to do one more thing that she was made to do.

I am not going to. I can do this.

I know how to be humbled, and I know also how to abound. In everything and in all things I have learned the secret both to be filled and to be hungry, both to abound and to be in need. I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me.
Philippians 4:12-13

It's February!

Wow, February 1st. I cannot believe it. Our daughter is due THIS MONTH. 19 days until her date to be exact, not that I am counting on it, I recently read only 3% of babies are born on their due date. So she will be here sometime this month, I'm sure. Who knows exactly when.

If my platelet recheck had dropped yesterday she was going to come out today. But, luckily, they are not changing. They are still low, but they haven't fallen further. I am currently full of 81,000 platelets. The epidural is still questionable, but I have had some great support given to me by good friends and am feeling more empowered to experience birth naturally. I. Can. Do. It.

We just got home from a picnic at the park thanks to this weird 60-70 degree northern California weather. I have never had a picnic on February 1st before and it was quite a treat. I definitely feel like I'm "nesting" as I turned "doing the dishes" into removing everything from the kitchen counters and scrubbing them. I plan to clean the fridge later today too. All in good time between playing with the girls and getting my feet up. It is amazing how tired I get after one little task.

In the midst of platelet worries I got to spend some time with friends last week. One day a pedicure and lunch with two great girls, and lunch with another the next day. It was a delight and I felt spoiled. Baby girl is still getting gifts so there is always something to wash and get put away in anticipation of her arrival.

Contractions are happening all the time now. Some are painful but most are not. I am 75% effaced, which means my cervix is almost all the way "thinned out" and Dr expects I will start dilating soon. My hope for the end of this pregnancy is that labor begins when my body is ready. I hope the platelets continue to hold (we're checking them weekly) so that she can grow until she's ready to come out.

Other than that, I'm just trying to enjoy every moment of her moving and hiccuping inside me. I definitely think I will miss being pregnant. I have enjoyed it, even with its odd symptoms and bumps along the way. Creating a human is truly an amazing thing and I am so blessed to of gotten the opportunity. A few friends have announced their pregnancies recently and I find myself both relieved that I am almost done but envious at the journey ahead of them, it is… oh so special.

A friend sent this to me in light of my very near journey into mothering a newborn, and I love it. Click hear to read.

Yep, just used the wrong form of here but the kids are yelling at each other down stairs so I'm just going to publish… haha.

Platelet Problems

I am sad to say that last week got crazier as the days passed. Earlier on in my pregnancy I had posted about my platelets being somewhat low. Again, platelets help your blood to clot and therefore prevent you from bleeding too much. Well, in my 28th (ish) week they were at 116K which is just below the pregnancy normal low of 120K (normal person range is 150K-450K). So, at 36 weeks (last Thursday) I had to have them redrawn before delivery. They were down to 80K. My doctor called me himself that afternoon, and the minute I answered the phone I knew something with my labs was pretty off. I mean, usually he has his nurse call, but this time it was him. This call was legit. The scariest part was the seriousness and concern in his voice. I would have to go to labor and delivery on Friday for a full work up and a non-stress test.

What does it mean? Platelets are below 100K= no epidural. Or pretty much, no epidural. Some anesthesiologists will still do one down to 50K but there is risk. The risk is that you could bleed into your spinal canal and become paralyzed. Or, just bleed, and bleed, and since epidural medication makes your blood pressure low anyway, you can become very sick very fast, and not have enough blood volume pumping through your body. This is never good, but its especially not good when you are exerting yourself trying to give birth.

Why are the platelets low? There are several dangerous reasons, like pre-eclampsia or HELLP syndrome which can both be VERY dangerous and occur in pregnancy. I tested negative (thank God) for these things. It can also be an autoimmune disorder, such as lupus, that the pregnancy makes more noticeable. I also tested negative for this. My doctor contacted a hematologist (doctor that specializes in blood disorders) and because there is no good reason, they've named it "gestational thrombocytopenia." This is a fancy term for low platelets in pregnancy. It happens, not super common but it happens, and there is no good reason why. Apparently because your blood volume doubles this can make the number lower and platelets get destroyed more readily in pregnancy. These play factors.

So here we are. What are we going to do? It sounds like we are going to check the platelets weekly and if they fall to 50K or below, I will be induced and have this baby. The reason is, the lower they get the more the risk of bleeding. On Thursday my level was 80K, on Friday, it was 71K. I am not heading in the right direction. I am also doing NST's twice a week. "NST" stands for non-stress test and basically they hook me up to the fetal monitor and make sure that baby moves and when she moves, her heart rate increases at least 15 points above her usual rate. This shows that she is getting enough oxygen and tolerating being inside me for a while longer. So far, she has looked amazing.

I'm just sitting tight until my appointment tomorrow. Hopefully I will gain some more insight for what the plan will actually be. I am scared to give birth period. And now knowing that an epidural, which was my "safety net" may not be possible I am even more anxious. An epidural was certainly not my "plan" but it was something I really wanted waiting in the wings if I needed it.

We took a childbirth class this weekend which showed us the different methods of breathing, and also educated us on a few other options for pain relief, and it was really helpful. I feel more empowered to conquer this labor with no epidural. I realize it could mean nothing, and I could end up traumatized or with a c-section but for now I am more comfortable with not having the epidural option rather than just feeling terrified when I think of it. I have no idea what I'm in for. But, there have been many times in my life that I've had no idea what I'm in for, and I've made it through those things. Instead of being fearful I am going to validate the fear and jump over it. Instead of worrying I'm going to pray. God will get me through this. As long as the baby is OK and I don't bleed to death, we will have done well. Childbirth is pain with a purpose, and it has a time limit with a great prize at the end. I am going to try and focus on that, rather than the pain. I have waited too long for this to let it break me.

29 days!

Holy balls. I'm due to have this baby in 29 days. 29. It seems unreal. With holidays and birthdays and baby showers time has flown by over the past couple months.

It's been an eventful 35th week. On Monday, after a great weekend of a baby shower and catching up with a great friend (Hi L, I know you read this and I love that you came to stay with me) we were out running couple errands and took the kids out to lunch. When we got home I went into the bathroom and had some bleeding. Needless to say I flipped the eff out. I called my doctor, for those of you that may want to know, ****TMI ALERT*** it was a few quarter sized amounts of frank red blood. Anyway, he told me to go to labor and delivery at the hospital and he would call them to tell them I was on my way. When I got there I hadn't had anymore bleeding, so they hooked me up to the monitor and watched me for about 30 minutes to make sure baby was doing ok. She was moving all around, her heart rate was fine, and I was having contractions, but they remained painless.

After I got all checked out, he sent me home and scheduled me an appointment for the following day (yesterday). At my appointment he tried to figure out what caused the bleeding. We did an ultrasound and everything looked fine. He even amused me and printed some 3D shots of the baby's face which was so cool. What it looked like happened was that up until this day the baby had not been head down. She had been "transverse" which means she was laying horizontally across my belly. If she would have stayed here I would have likely had to have a c-section. But, as of yesterday she was head down. And she is very head down, her head is already engaged in my pelvis. So, he thinks that when she turned it irritated my cervix and caused the bleeding. My cervix has barely begun the thinning out process (called effacement) that happens before you start dilating. So, I'm not going into labor at this point. But, if I did, he would not stop me. I'm 36 weeks tomorrow so I am close enough.

Of course, I don't want her to come out yet. Last year, the standard for "full term" changed from 37 weeks to 39 weeks. It used to be that doctors allowed for scheduled c-sections and inducements anytime between 37-42 weeks. That five week block was considered "full term." Now, because they've discovered that fetal outcomes are improved if they "cook" til 39 weeks, 39-41 weeks is considered "full term," 37-39 weeks is "early term" and 41-42 weeks is "late term." They no longer will schedule a c-section or a labor induction until 39 weeks unless there is a risk to the mom or baby (for example high blood pressure, etc).

So, she can just hold tight. My doctor told me that the only "bad news" is that I am going to be pretty uncomfortable now that she is head down in my pelvis. And he is right. I get pelvic pain a lot, it's tough to get comfortable at this point anyway. But, I'm OK with it. As long as she is growing healthy I can deal with a little discomfort. Just like as long as she is content once she's born I'll deal with the fact that my arm is numb because she is resting on it, or that I'm so exhausted I cannot see straight because she kept me awake all night. This is motherhood. It is uncomfortable at times. Especially when the little nugget is crowning and I'm trying to push her out! Ha :)

34 week milestone

At 34 weeks my baby is 4 3/4 lbs and is about 18 inches long. Her main goal from this point forward is to continue developing her lungs, and gaining weight. Most of the work is done. The milestone of 34 weeks is that most babies born between 34-37 weeks have a fairly easy time and are healthy. They will only require a short stay (if any) in a NICU. I wanted to make it to this point because at 34 weeks she can be born at my hospital with my Dr delivering her.

As of yesterday I am officially on maternity leave. My original goal was to make it to 36 weeks. However, my job is busy and I am on my feet a lot, so I started having contractions during work at 32 weeks and they got more persistent, so Dr told me to be done. I didn't argue. It was getting tough hopping around our unit with this big belly. Its funny though, I feel huge but everyone else keeps telling me how little I look. Who knows. The weight gain (almost 50 lbs) suggests hugeness, and since I'm supposed to gain a pound a week from this point forward and have usually gone over, I'll likely hit a 60lb gain before I deliver her. Super. Bring on the pilates.

She is still VERY active in my belly, after dinner and 2-4am are her favorite times. I can tell she is continuing to get big. If I turn to one side, and she wants to be on the other side she definitely lets me know. This and next weekend are my baby showers. I am very excited to celebrate this little one, and start putting together her nursery. In fact, that will likely start today.

The main "symptom" is fatigue. I'm just sleepy all the time. I alternate doing things I need to do with putting my feet up. Oh, and the feet, they look like sausage links at the end of the day. I HAVE CANKLES. Holy swelling. I hear the final month the swelling really gets serious….can't wait.

I took advice from a fellow mom and bought a few items from the Earth Mama Website for my post partum healing. It's mainly like ….um…. spray to relieve your vag after the baby comes out. I got some nipple salve for breastfeeding too. I like that the products are all natural, and I really want to avoid taking any pain medication after the delivery.

I don't know why, but I feel rushed to get all of these things done because since I was about 18 weeks I have always felt like this baby will be early. I have no reason to believe she actually will be, my OB thinks I'm just impatient I'm sure, but I just have this FEEEEEEELING. She is carrying really low, so I think as she puts on weight she's just going to cause me to go into labor. Granted, scientifically I have no idea that this would even matter, but the thought is there.

Here is what I hope to get accomplished:
1. baby's room and gear washed, assembled, and ready for action
2. 6-7 meals in the freezer so that our first week or so home we can just throw stuff in the oven
3. clean out girls toys
4. organize my office and get taxes done
5. organize hall closets
6. have a few lunch dates with friends since I will be on breast arrest for a while after delivery
7. Finish reading "Nursing mothers companion" and "baby wise" books  so I know what the hell I'm doing (ha)
8. continue to walk and stretch 3-5 times a week

We shall see how it goes :)

8 weeks to go

Countdown to Due Date: 55 days

I am officially (as of yesterday) 32 weeks pregnant. I'm in the 8th month. I cannot believe it. Everyone told me to enjoy the 2nd trimester (which ended at 27 weeks) because the third would likely kick my ass. They were right. I don't think I ever understood the word tired until now. I know those of you that have had babies are giggling to yourselves right now thinking "she has no idea." And, you're right. I am sure this level of tired is minimal compared to what I am going to experience when this baby actually comes out. But, for now, this level of tired is the most I have ever known, and it's legit.

I am normally a shop-it-up kinda girl. If we go out to hit Costco, I like to do Target, maybe browse some stuff at Best Buy, grab a little lunch, maybe cruise through the mall. Yesterday my husband got grandma to watch the girls so we could do the above without kids and enjoy a good lunch. I made it through one store at the mall, then had to eat cause I was starving. After lunch we hit Costco, and then I had to come home and put my feet up.

Other than that, some indigestion, stress incontinence, and 2-4am insomnia things are going quite well. We cannot wait to meet this little girl. Her nursery is coming along. My husband painted her room, cleaned the carpet, and assembled the crib. I know, he's a good man once he puts his mind to it. There is a lot to do, but my maternity leave is on the horizon and I am planning to get her room together once I'm off work.

For now, I'm just enjoying some lazy days on the couch feeling her move, which is now more like a wave across my entire belly. I will feel little jabs on the left of my belly button at the same time as kicks on the right side near my ribs, so she is getting big. Almost 4 pounds now! Two surgeons I work with have told me that there is no way I'll make it to my due date because she is sitting so low. They are not OB's so I'm hoping they're wrong, but plan to ask my doctor when I see him next week.

I have begun to get a lot of little tidbits of advice from other moms (which I love) and my favorite so far has been: "if it's been three days, you haven't showered, cannot remember if you brushed your teeth, and have spit up all over your shirt, you are normal. We've all been there." I totally love this. It's likely very true and something I'll remember in my dark moments as a mom to a newborn. I think I am going to start writing these things down.

Time Heals All Wounds

I just finished up a three day stay cation with my family. They flew in from the midwest to be with us for an early Christmas. My grandparents are in their 80's, my mom, my aunt and uncle, and then the four (and a half) of us. Usually we always go to "gram and pops" house but my OB grounded me, apparently you cannot fly in your third trimester. It was fun. I cooked, we opened presents, we laughed,  played cards, watched movies. My heart is full. I love my family.

During their stay December 13th came and went without a thought for the first time since 12/13/09 happened. For those of you that haven't followed this blog from the beginning, 12/13/09 was the day I lost my first pregnancy. I had surgery that day for an ectopic pregnancy. Up until that day I was happily though wearily pregnant (I just had the feeling something wasn't right). On that day, my life fell apart. A lot. And it took me a long time to move past that day, to overcome infertility, and make peace with my path to motherhood.

It's been four years. I can honestly say that I am at peace with my journey. For had it not began with such a loss, I would not have realized how much I truly wanted to be a mother. I would not have tried so hard to become one. I would not have opened my heart to the idea of adoption. I would not have my daughters. As I'm writing this, daughter #3 is moving around in my belly, and 1 and 2 are downstairs giggling and coloring. My heart is full. I am a mother.

In reflection over the past few years I realize that things got really bad for me before they started to get good again. I lost my sister in a car accident in September of 2010. For the first time this Christmas, we talked about her without it feeling awkward and empty. I brought up memories without getting that sick feeling in my gut that someone was going to get upset over it. As a family I think we're beginning to realize that her life and its sudden end is a part of us forever. We have an obligation to keep her memories alive by talking about her short, amazing life, even though it tears at our heart strings a little.

One of my daughters (ironically the one who's middle name is after my sisters) reminds me a lot of my sister at her four year-old age. Her facial expressions, the words she uses, the way she says things with her little attitude. I love this. It's made me realize two things: 1) she's likely picking up her mannerisms from me which means that my sister and I were a lot more alike than I realized, and 2) my sister is around me. She is my angel and she lights my way even in the most trivial of moments. For this, I am grateful.

Over the past four years I have learned a lot about myself, and life in general. I have learned to be selfless, humble, and I can say for certain that I believe in God, and miracles. My husband and I were watching some show a few months back and we came across this quote, I think I've written it here before, but here it is again, as I say it to myself so many times when I begin to fret about something:

"I lost the worry along the way, and God was good to me everyday."

As for the baby, she is getting bigger, I can tell because she actually moves my entire belly. She still enjoys her 4am tae bo sessions which are always followed by my scavenging downstairs for a snack. My blood sugars haven't been great but I've been off on my eating schedule because of family here. I have gotten back on track today. My aunt took some maternity photo's while she was here, and I'm glad she did. They turned out good and it will be a nice keepsake for me to have.

We have 66 days until our due date. Holy Shit.

29 weeks

Countdown to due date: 76 days.

Belly Button: Out

Wedding ring: Off (fingers too fat)

Work Clogs: stored away due to swollen feet.

Weight gain: sigh. 35 pounds. I'm just gonna be honest people.

Blood sugars: doing fine 90% of the time. I have given up bagels and cream cheese, and have switched up almost all my snacking to include a protein. I have to get the most bang for my buck. Until we bake sugar cookies and fudge, then I am screwed. I am starving all the time though. I just ate a leftover hamburger from last night (hubby bought me dinner cause he forgot I was going out with a friend) at 1030am. Don't judge.

Brain cells: minimal. I forget everything. It's honestly getting embarrassing. I was in the elevator leaving work after a crazy day yesterday and I stepped into it, and then stood there for a good minute. Then, I began to panic because it wasn't moving. Well, preggo brain, you need to select a floor. Yep, that. Actually. Happened.

Baby Name: I have decided we aren't going to decide until we see her. It's just too hard. It's too much pressure. We have a short list of possibles but will not choose until she's here….I don't think.

What else?

I have decided that I need to stop obsessively looking at baby gear on the internet. I have researched the crap out of everything, and have changed my registry a few times already. The baby will have what she needs I am sure, and more, knowing me.

I have the craziest labor dreams. I can't get her out, she gets stuck, my heart stops, on and on. I actually asked my Dr. this past week at my appointment if he thinks I can physically get her out. He looked at me like I was nuts. He was very sweet and reassuring. But, I still worry. Last night in my dream she was kicking me so hard that she kicked though my uterus and stomach and her leg was just sticking out, so she had to be delivered. She was fine, and she was beautiful. Dreams are so weird.

I do have to make one more trip to the lab because my platelets (sticky part of your blood that helps you not bleed to death) are a little low. Of course, I'm right on the line of concern, the "concern" mark is 120, mine were 116. So that will get re-checked before I deliver to make sure they don't fall more. Why do we care? If they get too low and I want an epidural I cannot have one. Also, I will have a lot more bleeding during and post delivery. What's the solution? Give me platelets, which I would be ok with if necessary. I guess thrombocytopenia (low platelets) can happen in pregnancy and just have to be monitored.

I think that's all for now. Family gets here in 5 days for an early Christmas, and I have a million things to do! Fun, fun.

Finger Prick

Well, I failed the effing glucose tolerance test…by 28 points. Dammit. They gave me two options, try to pass the 4 hour test, or start checking my glucose levels 4 times a day. I knew I would not be able to survive the 4 hour test. I know that sounds dramatic, but I wasn't feel so red hot at the two hour mark, and I really, really don't want to be the girl that passes out and goes to the ER, so I opted for my very own accucheck machine. I check my sugars 4x a day: when I first wake up (this has to be a fasting sugar meaning no food for at least 6 hours before), and one hour after breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

The early morning check ruined my 2-3am snack. As I usually wake up pretty hungry about that time and either eat peanut butter and crackers that I leave by my bed, or a bowl of cereal. The after breakfast check is always higher than it's supposed to be because my go to breakfast has been a bagel and cream cheese, and chai tea with soy milk, which totals about 80gm of carbs, when I am now only allotted 30gms. The rest of the day has been fine. So I am likely right on the cusp of having "Gestational Diabetes." Super.

Gestational diabetes is one of the more common side effects of pregnancy. Basically, the placenta makes cells in the mothers body more resistant to insulin, so therefore glucose cannot get into the cells (you need insulin to get glucose in, its the gatekeeper) and your blood concentration of glucose goes up =hyperglycemia = gestational diabetes. Why do we care? Uncontrolled gestational diabetes leads to big babies, lots of sugar, lots of fat on baby, big baby to get out. It also leads to high blood pressure in mom, excessive weight gain, and can then progress to pre eclampsia where mom spills protein in the urine and it becomes dangerous for mom and baby if pregnancy continues. Sigh. So, the goal: keep the fasting glucose level (early morning one) less than 90, and the after meals glucose less than 130. I am 5 days in, and have only had 4 out of range levels. That's not bad considering I haven't completely changed my diet yet, first I wanted to experiment to see how what I was currently eating was effecting my glucose. I see my doctor Tuesday, he will review my data and from there we will see what's in store.

In other news, yesterday we spent the afternoon putting up Christmas decorations. I got my bellyuptous self up and down the step stool a couple times, and did clean the hardwood floor and do some other chores around the house. Never again. Holy mother I am in so much pain today. My low back and hips are throbbing. I barely slept last night. I also took a 20min walk yesterday, something super important now that I'm worried about blood sugars, and that didn't help the situation. Thank goodness I got the day off work today (not many patients in my unit gave me a requested low census day) because I wouldn't of made it running around at work. Today I am a couch potato. I have a feeling these next weeks are going to get very interesting in the discomfort department. Thank goodness for prenatal massages, which I get monthly, and have one tomorrow. Bless my massage therapist.

Glucose, Citrus, and a Whole Lot of Thankfulness

Countdown to due date: 86 days

I have officially reached the third trimester. (Picture me fist bumping and shaking my booty here-I'd say jumping up and down but that would cause incontinence so I skipped it). I cannot believe in less than three months my little miss will be here. Time is flying by.

First I have to reflect that this time four years ago I was pregnant. I had found out just days ago, and was elated but scared. I was such a different person then than I am now. And even though it took quite a storm for me to be where I am today, I am thankful that I went through all that I did. Everything I went through lead me to this moment, where I am happily married with two beautiful daughters and another kicking around in my tummy. I never would have imagined I'd be in this place. I am so very humbled. This thanksgiving, when we gather around for our family prayer before we eat our meal, my heart will be bursting with thanks. I almost can't even describe the wholeness I feel right now.

I survived the dreaded "Glucose Tolerance Test" yesterday. This test can be done a few different ways and all pregnant women do it. But, the basic outline is: you have to fast (no food or drink for at least 8hrs), go to the lab in the morning, STARVING, and then get your fasting glucose level checked. After they confirm your hypoglycemic state, they give you this drink called "Glucola" which has either 50, 75, or 100 grams of glucose in it. Straight sugar liquid. I thought it tasted like sugary tang. You have to drink this drink (it's about two 8 ounce glasses) in 5 minutes. Then that sugary goodness hits your empty stomach and you feel like crap. You have to then sit in the lab (so they make sure you don't pass out) for an hour, and then they check your blood sugar again to make sure you tolerated the glucose. Some people then have to sit for ANOTHER hour and get a second check. I got the "low risk" version of the test so I only had to do 1 hour- thank God! I was starving. The only caveat is if I fail the short test I have to go back and do the long one. I didn't really get sick to my stomach, and a friend who works at the hospital sat and entertained me for the hour I had to sit there, so it wasn't horrible. But I was spaced out and starving by the end so I booked it to the coffee shop across the street and got breakfast. I then had a monster head ache so I headed home and took a nap. All in all it was pretty uneventful. And I will find out my result at my appointment next week.

Why they hell does the title of this say citrus? I feel like people are always asking me what I'm eating. what I'm craving. And for the past month its been anything citrus. I have been eating entire grapefruits for a snack, mandarins, drinking orange juice. It is all very good. My mouth gets sore though. Other than that I am addicted to anything pumpkin. This isn't that uncommon for me this time of year. I love pumpkin chai lattes from Starbucks, pumpkin pie, pumpkin creamer in my tea. Mmmm. Other than a significant want for nachos the other day that's been it. And yes, I held back on the nachos. You can't have everything.

As for baby girls room, haven't done a darn thing. I have bought a few items for it, but it needs painted, carpet cleaned, crib put together, etc. We will get there, I have faith. I have family flying in two weeks from now for an early Christmas, perhaps after that I'll have time to get going on it. It's not like she's going to come home from the hospital and demand to see her suite, after all.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Baby Registry Etiquette

Countdown to due date: 102 days

Now that I'm in the 25th week baby shower talk has begun. I am very lucky that I have people who have wanted to throw my shower since day one, and now that thought has materialized into needing a guest list, picking a venue, etc. It's very exciting. At the same time, it was just shy of two years ago when friends came together and threw me a "Shower for Sisters" when the girls came home. There were probably 35 people in attendance and the girls (and I) got tons of nice things from room decor, to toys, clothes and dishes to welcome them home. With this in mind, I initially declined a shower saying that I had already had my day in the spotlight. Some good friends who know how many things a tiny baby requires insisted I have a baby shower for this little miss.

Since about 12 weeks I have researched countless baby items to find the safest, most practical, and well reviewed baby gear so that when this time came I could make the best selections. This past week, armed with my research, a list, and a dear friend who has had two baby's we created the beginnings of my baby registry. It is a daunting task. I really tried to stick to things that I needed for the baby's first year. I didn't want to put too many things on the registry, but didn't want to skimp either. The hardest thing for me was registering for things that I know I'll need, but that are also expensive. Let me tell you, I am a bargain shopper, but there aren't many bargains with baby stuff.

So what do I do? Load up my registry with expensive items and hope for the best? I am finally realizing why in my years (and years) of going to baby showers people always end up with a mother load of blankets, towels, bath stuff, and clothes. This is the less expensive faire that everyone buys. I know that people cannot throw down 50-100 bucks on baby stuff for me. People have their own bills to pay and kids to clothe. The baby gear business is ridiculous. And they are making a killing.

Nonetheless I registered. I registered for all the things I feel like I need to have for baby girl. And I realize, that I will likely foot the bill for many of these items once the showers have finished and I am at home, off work, nesting and online shopping like crazy while I wait for her big debut. Again, I am very fortunate to have the people in my life that I do, and I know she will get plenty of what she needs from them and their generous hearts. I am just shocked at how pricey some items are. For example, I am very passionate about breast feeding. Because I will be returning to work when she is three months old, and only get three 10 minute breaks and one 30 minute break in my 12 hour day I need a good breast pump to drain the ol knockers at work. That pump, the one that seemed most practical, and came most highly recommended, is about 300.00 bucks. And that is not including the accessory pack I am going to need.

The car seat and stroller saga was another big fish to swallow. I wanted the infant car seat that would snap into a stroller so I could let her stay in her seat and sleep while I run errands, or cart her sisters around to t-ball or dance this spring. I really liked the BOB but was astonished by its almost 500.00 price tag just for the stroller. Britax makes a combo system for a bit cheaper that still felt easy to move and has very high safety ratings. I found it cheapest on amazon.com for 299.00. I did put it on my registry and its about 350.00. These are the types of things that either my family, or myself will have to buy.

I did find the famous bumbo seat on this online yard sale site I use for the girls clothes and other things for 10.00. This awesome seat sells for 50.00 usually, but I got it, cleaned it, and its good to go for little girl. This is how I plan to acquire some items. There is nothing wrong with pre-used in good condition so long as the item(s) can be cleaned.

As for the etiquette….I didn't really find any. Everything says to go ahead and register for what you want as long as you'll use it in the baby's 1st year of life. I don't know who these writers are, but they must have some rich friends. I still blush when I review my registry and look at the prices on some of those baby items. Oh well. I figure all she really needs initially is jammies, diapers, wipes, my boob, and some baby wash. The rest is just frosting.

Oxymoron: Viability on the Day of Ghouls and Dead

I am posting two days early knowing that I have two children who both have Halloween parties at school Thursday, then I plan to come home, nap, and then get them ready for a night of trick-o-treating. We will likely get home from trick-o-treating and watch a Halloween movie (last year was Hocus Pocus) while the girls wind down. Kindergarten is off on Friday (smart teachers) and my preschooler always stays home with me on Fridays so they can stay up late, get cracked out on candy, and then (let mommy) sleep in Friday morning. Whew. Now you see why I am posting early.

I always thought it would be fun to dress up my bump if I were lucky enough to be pregnant, and far enough along to have a bump on Halloween. I actually planned to dress up, I had bought a doll and small pumpkin from a yard sale and was going to make this (without the the blood) on a black maternity t-shirt:

But, it's now the evening of the 29th, and I work tomorrow, so I don't think my costume is going to happen after all. I lack energy these days, majorly lack it. 

One of my favorite blogs, "The Pregnant Chicken" posted some hilarious maternity costume ideas. I seriously think the boob is my favorite. Check them out here: Pregnancy Halloween Costumes

Have a safe and happy Halloween!

Muahahaha

23 weeks (1 more week til viability)

I get that the title of this post is a little bit morbid. But, when you try, and try to have a baby, and your only prior experience with pregnancy is loss, you do pay attention to dates, and at what dates your baby could actually come out and survive. 24 weeks is the mark of viability for a fetus (fetus= baby in your uterus). If baby girl comes out a week from today, God forbid, she has a 50/50 chance of surviving. This is because in the 23rd week lungs start the beginnings of being able to function. 24 weeks has been a secret goal of mine because of that. Granted, I have no reason for concern, my cervix is long and closed according to my doc at my last appointment, and I have not had any contractions to speak of (knock on wood). I hope she stays in there and cooks quite a while longer!

At 23 weeks I am visibly pregnant. I am over 20 pounds heavier than my pre-pregnancy weight. I am done weighing myself. So, we are just going to stay with "over 20 lbs." LOL. There are some not so sexy or exciting things that go on when you are pregnant that I would like to post here. I am doing this because no one told me, and I wish someone would have. It would have saved some terrified googling, and reading my "mayo clinic pregnancy guide book" under pressure. So, if you don't know me and my TMI abilities, read on with caution.

1. You will be constipated. And I'm talking not going every day, pushing til you think you will deliver your baby constipated. Take the damn stool softener every day. Don't forget. I eat plenty of fiber and drink plenty of water, or at least plenty of fluid and it still wasn't enough. Colace is my life saver. Use it.

2. Constipation = hemorrhoids. I'm not going to say more. Just know that one thing leads to another.

3. Buy stock in pantyliners. Your reproductive parts are busy growing a human. And part of that is protecting said human by making acidic discharge that will come out of you. Plentifully. Also, you will start to(in about the 5th month) leak urine. Maybe you'll laugh too hard, maybe you will wipe to get on with life after peeing for the 100th time that day and you weren't quite done. Buy pantyliners.

4. Your nipples will get bigger, darker and puffy. The word bigger is not a word I would use to describe what your boobs will do. Your boobs will take over your chest. I have a friend who literally stares at my boobs and comments on them every time I see her. She has had a BOOB JOB and they look big to her. Another friend who has had two kids calls hers "national geographic boobs" and I get it.

5. Do not, for any reason, look at your southerns with a mirror. There is a lot of blood flow happening down there and things will get swollen and change colors. This may scare you and make you think you have labial cancer. You don't, but just don't look. No one needs to see that. Except your OB, s/he gets paid for this stuff.

I am going to stop there because some of you don't have kids yet and I don't want to be the reason you reached for that second bottle of wine, or whisky tonight. Just know that I am here, I am honest, and I am willing to answer all your questions when your time comes. And I will warn you about this not so pleasant stuff so you don't get the crap scared out of you too.

Hands down, my favorite thing is still feeling her move :) And I actually really like it that friends and people at work rub my belly. I feel so special and loved....and blessed, always blessed.

22 Weeks Tomorrow!

I can finally say that time is starting to fly by in regard to this pregnancy. Let's face it, in regard to life.

Saturday, the 19th marks a year since we finalized the girls' adoption. My four and a half year old who came to me not being able to talk (all the kid did was babble) is now not only a talker, but quite smart and complete with her sentences. My five and a half year old is striving in kindergarten, and actually read me her 1st book last night. Granted the book only had two words in it (I see) followed by a picture but she got the concept of reading and did well. I am so proud of my girls!

Little miss is apparently as big as a spaghetti squash now. I am done with those fruit and vegetable measurements though, honestly. It told me 20 weeks was a banana and 21 weeks was a carrot. I have to disagree with this progression. A carrot is smaller than a banana. I mean, c'mon. Nonetheless, she is moving around like crazy. This morning my husband actually felt like she karate chopped him. He has made a habit out of putting his hand on my belly in the morning before he gets up, today she was like, "good morning pops here's a kick to the hand." Her movements are so strong now. The girls have felt her move too and they think its both the coolest and weirdest thing ever.

I am starting to think about what I am going to buy for this baby, or register for as the case may be. It's a tough decision. I started with reading the ever popular "Baby Bargains" book which reviews brands and price points, and narrowed things down there. Now I'm looking to make the choice for a carseat/stroller combo, and have chosen the pack and play I want. Jury is still out on the following, so if any moms are reading and want to give me an opinion I'm all ears:

1. High chair- I'm thinking the Graco slim fit one because our dining room is small and it folds up.
2. Moby wrap or Ergo? For those of you who are going "wtf" right now, these are baby carriers. The Moby is the popular one but I don't know that I'm skilled enough to wrap it right so the baby will stay in.
3. Swing vs. Bouncer. I'm coming to the conclusion that I'll need both. But what swing is best? Or do I want one of those glider things?

So. Many. Decisions.

So I keep researching. I am going to to make my registry at BabiesRUs by November 15th because if I do that then I get 10% back in a gift card for what my registry purchases total 2 months after the baby is born. Can you say, free money for diapers?? I can! So even though it'll be a little early I want to get it done for the deal! Plus its fun :)

In the grand scheme of things the rest of this pregnancy is going to fly, we've got Halloween, then I am taking a class for work that I have to study for the first couple weeks of November, the class is the 14-15th of November, then Thanksgiving, my family is coming out for an early Christmas visit December 11th, so my shopping will need to be done early, then of course actual Christmas, New Years, both girls birthdays, my husbands birthday and our birthing class in January....and boom February is here.

Holy crap I think I just had a heart palpitation. LOL.

Life

Here I am, the evening of my 19th week, 5th day of being pregnant. Less than 48 hours away from 1/2 way. I cannot believe this experience is half over.

I know from seeing it first hand that birth is one of the most amazing, precious experiences in this lifetime. I also know that death is much the same. I work in an ICU and have watched many people pass on. It too is a beautiful experience. My current hormonal state makes me ponder life a lot. I think about my life, my kids lives, the lives of people I love, and how they twist and turn endlessly.

The other day someone shared this video with us at work, and I was so moved by it that I wanted to post it here. Please watch, I hope you enjoy it as much as I did. It even made Simon Cowell cry....

Shit just got real, pregnancy edition

(this is a sweet potato, not some hairy piece of nastiness)

When your husband looks at you undressing to get into the shower one night he is looking both terrified and amazed. He blurts out "babe you are getting f***ing huuuuge."

Shit just got real.

When you go to buy ANOTHER bra because your chesticles are growing at an unnatural pace and you find yourself SQUEEZING into an E cup in the dressing room, and then buy it because anything involving boobs and the letter "F" is too much to bear.

Shit just got real.

When you're walking through the mall after a 30 min drive to said mall desperate to pee and the bathroom is at least 400 yards away so you are waddling toward it while trying to keep your legs together so you don't pee everywhere, and then you have a bladder spasm and lean sideways trying to hold it in....

Shit just got real.

When you fart at the dinner table and it's not quiet and you don't care because holding it in would mean terrible pain.....

Shit just got real.

When your husband (yea he is batting a hundred) puts on a shirt that you likely took too long to fold up and comments on the wrinkles in a sarcastic way and you tell him with a straight face to shove it up his ass, and then burst into tears.

Shit just got real.

But best of all, when you are lying in bed and cannot fall asleep because you can finally feel your little girl moving around inside of you and you wouldn't miss this for anything (even sleep).

Shit. Just. Got. Real.
And it's amazing.

Week 17... and we have a...

A Girl! We had an elective ultrasound yesterday because my mom was in town, the girls were allowed to come, and most of all, because I am damn impatient and I wanted to know! Ha. It was an amazing experience. We got some great pictures of her in 2D and 4D. The 4D's were a little creepy because little miss doesn't have any fat yet, it's still really early, but over all she really did look quite feminine and cute. She had a little attitude, putting her hand in front of her face, and shying away when the ultrasound tech tapped my belly to make her move. Already she is a stubborn one! Like mother like daughter.

In other news the scale is now in the 140 range. That's 15 pounds up. It's really all belly at this point. The rest of me still looks, well, like me, but I do have quite an impressive baby bump for a 17 week first timer. I'm good with it though. I'd rather look pregnant than oddly fat. I am trying to eat well, because I eat often. Lately fruits and cereal are favorites. I'm trying to limit my fro-yo consumption to once or twice a week. I am also walking 30 minutes 3-4 times a week. I'm doing the best I can.

I am really tired a lot though. I almost feel like my midday nap does more harm than damage, I just cannot come out of it. So, I've taken to putting my feet up in the afternoon and watching an hour of TV or reading a book while the kids rest.

The biggest thing this week: I'm quite certain I am feeling her move. It's like little pops and flutters that I only ever notice if I'm laying down. When I'm resting, I try to really focus on her. I talk to her, I rub my belly, I pray for her health. Seeing my little girl yesterday was one of the most amazing experiences I've had. She is such a miracle, and I am so in love with her it makes me emotional. Having her inside me makes my love for all my girls grow. They are all mine. I don't see how anyone could think that they would love one more than the other. I feel like my heart grew to include my new little bundle. Honestly, I'm so full of love and gratitude that tears fall from my eyes when I think about the topic. I have daughters. Daughter who will grow up and be good women because of me. It's so much responsibility, but moreover, it's such a privilege.

I realize the precious course that life truly is because I have lost. Monday will mark three years since I lost my 18 year old sister in a car accident. Accident. Accident. Accident. I repeat that to myself because it reminds me that it was nothing more than that: an accident. I think of her all the time (of course) but since I've become a mother the devastation I have for my own mother has increased exponentially. As mothers, we are given our children and we do everything in our power to love and protect them. My mother was no different. And she lost her baby girl. Because I lived through this, I realize how careful we must be with our lives. Our children are gifts and we never know how long they are meant to be in our lives. This week I will remember to let the small stuff go.

And I will lay still every day so I can feel those tiny little kicks. You are a miracle my little one. Thank you for coming in to my life. And to my big girls. God gave me you. He picked you for me and me for you. There isn't any more special way to be "born" into a family then that.

4 months! (16 weeks)

I am going to say it again. I really think an orange is bigger than and avocado. My husband agrees with me. But, here we are.

My 16 week appointment went well. We were just supposed to be there for a quick check and then sent on our way, since the big "anatomy scan" is done at 20 weeks. At that time, you get an in depth ultrasound of the baby and this is usually when the doctor will tell you whether you're team pink or blue. BUT, I hormonally begged my doctor to try and see what I called "the money shot" so he agreed. We got in there, started looking around and the baby was sitting Indian style in my uterus. (I think the PC term is now "criss cross applesauce). So, it's feet were covering the clear shot of its junk. That is so my kid. Make it more difficult for mommy to plan and buy things! We did get about a 4 second shot and didn't see anything between the legs, so baby looks like a girl, but we really cannot be sure. But, baby had grown so much since our last peek at 12 weeks it was amazing. Baby had visible, ribs, spinal cord, and baby was sucking their thumb. My doctor asked if I'd felt the baby move yet, I haven't (I don't think) but he said anytime. I so look forward to that.

This will not shock you....I am not waiting til the 20 week anatomy scan to find out the sex. My mom is coming into town this next week and my husband and I are taking her, and the girls with us up to an elective ultrasound place to find out next Thursday. I am so excited. I think this will be a lot of fun, and am excited to get to include the girls in finding out. They take their time pointing out parts and give you a 3D DVD and some pictures, plus there is a nice big screen to watch it on. It'll be fun. Our oldest "A" may be in for a shock because she now only refers to the baby as her brother. I kinda think she's wrong.

I am not doing a gender reveal party or anything, in my opinion it all seems like too much. I mean there's the baby shower, the birth where everyone comes to visit, sometimes a maternity photo shoot by a professional photographer near the end and now people have added a gender reveal party and pregnancy announcement professional photo shoots. It's just too much! Who honestly has the time between throwing up, eating a shit load of food, trying to poop, chasing kids around, working, feeding dogs, and going pee every five minutes? Really it's a lot to get done.

In other news I did something really stupid a little over a year ago and now it's biting me the arse big time. So, the girls came home, and we cramped into my Jetta for a few months, and by summer it got old. So, I went out in search of a new car. I bought the VW SUV that I fell in love with despite my dear husband saying "we're having more kids, I just know we are, get a van." In my defense, I didn't want an effing van. I wanted a soccer mom mobile. So I bought the Tiguan which is like a Ford Escape, or Honda CRV. It's more roomy, but when we rented a van for a road trip I knew I'd messed up. The van was so convenient and everything fit in there, on and on. Well now here I am....I am either going to have to cram a newborn car seat between the girls two booster seats in the back of my Tiguan, or I am going to take a big upside down on the Tiguan and buy a van.....that is, if the car dealer people will do that for me. I've poked around and it seems they will, but it's going to cost me. Dammit. One of the few times my husband was just outright, right.

I have been doing my research and the two best vans in my opinion are the Toyota Sienna and the Honda Oddysey. I think we'll wait til after the new year to make a purchase, but of course today I found one that I really like and its a good deal. I am going to try and hold back but you never know with me....I'm impulsive like that. LOL...I wish I could blame it on the hormones.

Week 15

Wow, 15 weeks. In the next two weeks (assuming my baby cooperates) we will learn the sex of the baby. I am really excited to find out, as I've mentioned before. The baby bump is becoming more plentiful as the days go on. Some of my more fitted scrub tops are getting kinda snug but luckily some ladies at work are lending me larger tops so that will be great.

So, my daily pregnancy update today was about weight gain. It started like this: "you've probably gained about 5 pounds (or a little more or less by now)." Eff you pregnancy update, eff you. I weighed myself two days ago, as I embarked into the fifteenth week and the result was shocking. I have decided to be honest about my weight gain in this blog. So here it is: the day I found out I was pregnant I weight 125 lbs. According to my OB I was marginally underweight so he told me I should gain about 35 pounds this pregnancy. At my 12 week appointment I had gained 5 pounds. I was also constipated and had eaten carbs constantly to ward off nausea. As of two days ago, the scale read 136 lbs. Shit.

From here on out I am supposed to gain 4 lbs a month, or 1 lb a week. Obviously this is going to be non-issue for me. If I am 136 lbs at 15 weeks and have 25 weeks to go I am going to end this at 161 lbs which is a gain of 36 lbs. Thats pretty much right on but I think we all know with the fall and winter months ahead I am going to do some eating. I mean, we all put on a 5 lb (some of us 10) winter coat, right? The thing is, I really don't care that much, it's just a lot of weight. And lets face it, I'm getting older and I am a curvy girl, the weight isn't going to come off easily. BUT- again, I'm going to eat what I want in moderation. Right now the issue is the AMOUNT of food I eat in a day. I got up at 3am last night/this morning and ate because I was starving. But, I am trying to make good choices. I try to snack on fruits and veggies, do salad with a protein at lunch, only indulge in my frozen yogurt love three times a week, etc.

I do exercise still. I walk 3-4 times a week and have been getting back into my yoga now that I am feeling better. I am really trying to trade my afternoon nap for yoga while my kids take their rest on my days off. It's tough but I always feel better after doing it. Prenatal yoga is kind of a joke compared to my usual routine, but it is enough for me. Now that I'm further along I definitely get dizzy and lightheaded much easier. So, I don't want to overdo it.

Lastly, I have to mention. I have really been struggling to sleep at night. I wake up to pee about midnight, and then again about 3am and after the 3am pee I cannot go back to sleep. It's so frustrating. These are my last months of full nights of sleep, soon there will be a newborn to feed, but I am not sleeping. I usually get up, have a snack, zone out to the TV for about 30 min and then head back to bed. Again, oh well, it is what it is I guess. As long as the baby is happy and growing I will deal.

Time to make dinner....